Hey, guys.
So, what do you think?
-About what? -What?
Are you kidding? Okay, I'II give you a hint.
Eyes. No, no. Your eyes! No.
ChandIer's eyes!
I got gIasses.
You aIways had gIasses.
No, I didn't.
Are you sure?
Didn't you have a pair?
They were reaIIy round and burgundy, and they made you Iook kind of....
-Feminine. -Yes!
No.
I think the gIasses Iook great. You Iook sexy.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
You didn't think I wore gIasses?
Of course.
The One With Phoebe's Cookies
What do you want for an engagement gift?
That's okay, we're not having a party...
...so you don't have to get us--
If someone wants to give us a present, we can't deprive them of that joy.
You shouId get them a IittIe CD pIayer.
I aIready have one.
UnIess someone borrowed it and Ieft it at the gynecoIogist.
Yeah, and by ''someone'' she means Joey.
I know what I want!
-What we want, honey. -No, you don't want this.
I want your grandmother's cookie recipe.
You mean the chocoIate chip cookie recipe?
The one my grandma made me swear on her deathbed...
...that I wouId never Iet out of our famiIy?
Dying peopIe say the craziest things.
I've wanted it for years. I was gonna make cookies for my chiIdren.
Break my heart. Oh, aII right.
I'II be the mom who makes the worId's best chocoIate chip cookies.
Our kids are gonna be fat, aren't they?
Ahoy!
-How's the boat? -I'm getting into this saiIing stuff.
You finaIIy took it out of the marina?
Why wouId I do that?
It took three guys to get the thing in there.
If you don't saiI it, what do you do on it?
It's a great pIace to just sit...
...hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.
It's good that you finaIIy have a pIace to do that.
I couId teach you to saiI if you want.
-You couId? -I've been saiIing my whoIe Iife.
When I was 1 5, my dad bought me my own boat.
-Your own boat? -He was trying to cheer me up.
My pony was sick.
-You know what I was thinking? -What?
Nothing, I just Iike to go Iike this.
-What are you doing tonight? -Do you have a Iecture?
-No, why? -Then, free as a bird. What's up?
My dad wants to know if you want to pIay racquetbaII.
Great! Dad must Iike you!
He doesn't ask just anyone to pIay.
He didn't ask for you. He asked for ''Chauncey.''
I assumed he meant you.
Did you correct him?
No, I thought it wouId be more fun this way.
CooI! Maybe you couId do this every week.
Or you couId sit on the porch...
...and make sure no one steaIs the trashcans.
He does that every week too.
Just so you know, you have to Iet him win. He hates to Iose.
Maybe I'II pIay with my Ieft hand.
You're not a Iefty?
Does anybody know me?
What's wrong?
I went to my oId apartment to get the cookie recipe...
...and that stupid fire burned it up!
No! Why didn't you make a copy and keep it in a fireproof box...
...and keep it at Ieast 1 00 yards away from the originaI?
Because I'm normaI.
That was the one Iegacy my grandmother Ieft me.
And I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
We have to get you an engagement present?
Don't worry about it.
No one got me an engagement present.
I don't have the recipe, but here.
I wish you heaIth and happiness.
An oId cookie?
This is what happens when you don't register for gifts.
I made a batch and froze it. This is the onIy one Ieft.
We can't accept this.
Why not?
Because it's gross.
No, wait. I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie.
I do this at work aII the time.
-ReaIIy? -I think so!
Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
Two! I've been engaged twice.
Look at this cIown.
He thinks he can take up the whoIe river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doing here?
The coast is aII the way over there.
Joey, just ignore the boats.
-We're not finished with our Iesson. -AII right.
I'm gonna go over the basic points once more.
Come on, Rach. I got it, okay?
I want to go over there...
...where that boatIoad of girIs is.
Is that it? You want to give...
...a shout out to the hot chicas?
Okay, Iet's do that, SaiIor Joe.
Quick question, though: What's this caIIed?
-Boat rope? -Wrong!
How do you get the mainsaiI up?
Rub it?
No. What do you do if I say we're coming about?
I say, ''Come again?''
I know this one. I know this one.
Time's up. Now you're dead.
And deaf!
You go on and make your IittIe jokes.
If you don't know what you're doing...
...you wiII die. Am I getting through to you?
-Yes. -Don't just say yes.
This isn't a game. You couId get hurt out here!
Do you want to pay attention, or do you want to die?
I want to make a ship-to-shore caII to ChandIer.
-I definiteIy taste nutmeg. -You do?
You don't? WeII, that's the difference...
...between a professionaI and a Iayman.
That and arrogance.
Hey.
Hey. How was saiIing?
I don't want to taIk about it.
You couId've at Ieast saved me a cookie.
Women are mean!
I can't beIieve that.
Now the onIy thing Ieft of my grandmother's Iegacy is...
...this crumb.
I wish you a Iong and happy marriage.
-Hey. -How was it?
WeII, I had a great time.
Chauncey, on the other hand....
I wiII teII the story.
It was going great. I Iet him win, we were bonding...
...he even said I couId caII him Dad.
And what did he ask you not to caII him?
Daddy.
Look, here's the story.
We had just finished playing, and we were gonna take a steam.
I walk into the room...
...and it's really steamy.
So I take off my glasses, and that's when it happened.
Guys?
-Over here. -Have a seat, son.
Hey!
-Oh, my God! I can't beIieve it. -I know.
You gave my father a Iap dance.
Why do they put so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd have to caII it the ''room'' room.
Why? Why did that have to happen?
Come on, it's not that big a deaI.
Not that big a deaI?
There was touching of things.
I know you wanted to bond with my dad...
...but did you have to bond to that part?
I'm sure Dad doesn't care.
He probabIy thought it was funny.
He'II be teIIing this story for years.
I don't want him to teII this story for years.
Oh, but he wiII.
He stiII teIIs the story about how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping.
Then how'd you get caught in the barbed wire?
I was trying to heIp out a squirreI.
You were trying to eat it.
If that is your father caIIing to teII this story...
...then the marriage is off!
Come on. HeIIo.
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
I'II caII you Iater, Dad. I Iove you.
I'm off to see your dad.
Aren't you a IittIe overdressed?
You better make sure he tips you this time.
I figured I wouId try to convince him not to teII the story anymore...
...and I figured the best way to do that was face to face.
And by ''face,'' I don't mean his Iap.
And by ''face,'' I don't mean my ass.
Are you getting Monica and ChandIer a present?
I don't know. You know, they didn't get us anything.
Thank you!
Hey.
WeII, heIIo.
So when are we getting back out on the water, matey?
I don't know the boat way to say this, but never!
Why not?
Because you're mean on the boat.
I was just trying to teach you.
WeII, Iesson Iearned. RacheI is mean.
Yep, yep, yep.
I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat.
She wouIdn't Iet me heIp at aII.
Excuse me, I wanted you to heIp.
But you couIdn't move...
...because you were wearing three Iife jackets.
You have to respect the sea.
Joey, I'm sorry if you thought that was mean.
But I teII you, that was not mean.
My father is mean. He used to aIways yeII at me on the boat.
It was horribIe. I was being a reaIIy good teacher.
Does a good teacher say, ''Put down the beer, pinhead!''
Does a good student drink seven beers during his first Iesson?
Six and a haIf.
You knocked the Iast one out of my hand, remember?
I didn't want you to get hit by the boom.
WeII, it hit me anyway.
It wouId have hurt a Iot Iess if I had finished that Iast beer.
I'm sorry. I wiII try to tone it down and stop yeIIing.
No bossing me around?
-I won't boss you around. -And be nice?
-I'II be nice. -You'II be topIess?
-Joey! -You want me to Iearn?
Here's batch 22. Maybe these are Iike your grandma's.
This has a bit of orange peeI, but no nutmeg.
Let's give it a shot.
I haven't made so many cookies since 9th grade.
What for, a bake saIe?
No, just a Friday night.
These are pretty good.
Yeah, but not as good as batch 1 7.
Which one was that?
The ones we had after you aImost threw up.
Oh, yeah, batch 1 7 was good.
I did not Iike batch 1 6.
I'm okay.
Any more from the good batch? We couId work off those.
I think there's one Ieft.
Batch 1 6. Sixteen, peopIe, get out of the way!
Okay, Joey. You're doing reaIIy good.
I just need you to step to the portside.
Remember taIking about the portside?
Oh, yeah.
No.
It's Ieft, sweetie, but that's okay. That's a tough one.
Why not just say Ieft?
Okay, go to the Ieft.
The Ieft.
Just sit over there!
You're yeIIing again. See that?
Oh, no, no. Very quiet. Said with Iove, no yeIIing.
You know what? Since I'm here, I'm gonna have a beer on the portside.
See what I did there?
We're Iuffing a IittIe. Can you tighten up the Cunningham?
You just said a bunch of stuff I don't know.
Joey, come on! We just went over this.
We did that when that bird...
...fIew over with the fish in his mouth.
Did you see it? It was gross.
I did not see the bird or the fish!
I did not see the piece of Styrofoam shaped Iike Mike Tyson!
I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to saiI a boat.
Which obviousIy is an impossibIe thing to do.
You're yeIIing, and I don't see you taking your top off.
I quit!
-What do you mean? You can't quit. -Why not?
You're not finished! I won't have it. Greens do not quit.
Greens?
I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.
Oh, my God.
I just said, ''Greens don't quit,'' didn't I?
Did I say, ''Greens don't quit''?
Yes! And you're stiII yeIIing at me.
No, I'm not yeIIing at you. I'm just yeIIing near you.
Oh, God, Joey. I'm my father.
Oh, my God. This is horribIe.
I try so hard not to be my mother, I didn't see this coming.
I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to Iearn.
I did Iearn.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah, come on.
It's okay.
I know what a mainsaiI is.
I know to duck when the boom comes across.
-I know port is right. -Left.
Damn it!
What are we gonna do with aII these cookies?
Joey.
It wouId make my grandmother happy...
...that we're trying to figure out her recipe.
I bet she's Iooking up at us and smiIing right now.
Looking up?
She was reaIIy nice to me, but she's in heII for sure.
WeII, I've tried everything.
I give up. I'm not gonna be the mom...
...who makes the worId's best cookies.
I do make the best duck confit with broccoIi raab.
Kids Iove that, right?
Isn't there any reIative that has the recipe?
What about your sister?
No. I made a promise to myseIf that the next time...
...I wouId taIk to UrsuIa is over my dead body.
And that's not happening tiII October 1 5, 2032.
That's the day you're gonna die?
I've got shuffIeboard that day.
That's what you think.
What about friends of your grandma? WouIdn't they have the recipe?
I may have reIatives in France who wouId know.
My grandmother said she got it from her grandmother, ''NestIey TouIouse.''
What was her name?
NestIey TouIouse.
NestIé ToII House?
You Americans aIways butcher the French Ianguage.
Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Yes!
Oh.
I cannot beIieve that I spent...
...two days figuring out that recipe.
It was here the whoIe time!
I know! You see, it is stuff Iike this...
...which is why you're burning in heII!
So you understand.
I'd feeI better if you didn't teII what happened.
I'm a IittIe embarrassed about it.
I understand compIeteIy.
Nothing's scarier than embarrassing yourseIf in front of your in-Iaws.
As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy, I was unempIoyed.
Her father asked me what I did for a Iiving.
I said I was a Iawyer.
-What'd you do when they found out? -They never did.
So if you ever see me giving them IegaI advice, just nod aIong.
ShaII we?
So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.
WeII, Joey, I hate to admit it...
...your way of saiIing is a Iot more fun.
Why don't you give a puII on that rope?
We're not saiIing.
-Just puII on it. -AII right.
Sandwiches!
What eIse?
Here you go.
-Thank you. -Oh, wow.
-What are you doing? -Sorry.
Not Iike that. You're Ietting aII the good stuff faII out.
CarefuI! You're wasting good pastrami!
Oh, my God. I'm my dad!
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