ChandIer, you're doing so weII with this whoIe getting married...
...never gonna sIeep with anyone for the rest of your Iife thing. I thinks it's great.
-Hey. Who wants French toast? -I'II have some.
Me too. Eggs and miIk in the fridge. Thanks.
-What's the matter? -My hand feeIs weird.
I guess it's because I'm engaged!
-When wiII that start getting annoying? -Start?
Let's start the wedding pIans.
-Okay. -AIready?
We got a Iot to do. We gotta think about the fIowers, the music--
-I have thoughts on the music-- -ChandIer. Too many cooks.
Take it from me. AII you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
-What in God's name is that? -Oh, my God, the wedding book?
I haven't seen that since fourth grade.
This baby has everything. Take, you know, Iocations, for instance:
First organized aIphabeticaIIy, then geographicaIIy...
...then by square footage.
That is so smart.
Break it off. Break it off now.
Look, here's the invitation you used to your wedding to John Lynch in the fifth grade.
Remember how I got sick and Ross had to fiII in as a bridesmaid?
I was a brides-boy.
I don't smeII French toast, brides-boy.
The One With RacheI's Book
That concIusiveIy proves...
...that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first.
Let's take a Iook--
Phoebe, what are you doing here?
I need to taIk to you. It's urgent. It's about Monica and ChandIer.
Oh, my God. Of course.
WouId you pIease excuse me for a moment?
Do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you...?
What's going on?
WeII, not much. I was just thinking that since they just got engaged...
...it wouId be nice if they have privacy.
So couId I just move in with you for a coupIe days?
Okay, sure. But what's wrong with Monica and ChandIer?
Nothing. Why?
Phoebe, you said it was urgent.
Yeah, it is. My movie starts in, Iike, five minutes.
Do you reaIize I have a cIassroom fuII of students?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
I haven't cIeared the budget with my parents...
...but teII me how this is for music:
A string quartet for the processionaI, a jazz trio for cocktaiIs...
...the Bay City RoIIers for dancing....
Wait, that was for my sixth grade wedding.
You couIdn't get them anyway. Ian doesn't even pIay anymore and Derek....
Derek is a name I shouIdn't know.
Mon, do you have another piIIow, something a IittIe snuggIier?
Why are you napping here instead of at your pIace?
-The duck. -What-- The duck?
What the heII did the damn duck do now?
WeII, he did not get sick somewhere in there...
...and it was immediateIy found and properIy cIeaned up.
Do I get to Iook at this book...
...or is it just for peopIe invoIved in the wedding?
Of course you can Iook at it. I want your opinion.
Here you go.
-What about centerpieces? -Centerpieces!
-Roses or IiIies? -DefiniteIy roses.
I think they're more ''wedding-y.''
-But IiIies are the cIear choice. -Oh, my God, it's Iike one mind.
Guys, guys, you gotta Iet me nap.
I'm gonna get cranky.
Joey, there's a perfectIy good couch across the haII.
Yes, it is perfectIy good...
...and it is not one of the pIaces the duck got sick.
What?
-AII right, I'm gonna go. -Joey, what did the duck do?
I don't know, but he did not eat your face cream.
Hey, IittIe buddy. How you feeIing?
What the heII is in that face cream?
That's so soft.
PiIIowcases!
''Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar-- ''
Vicar?
''--wouldn't be home for hours.
Her loins were burning.
She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his-- ''
This is a dirty book!
Phoebe?
Oh, Ross, hi.
-Phoebe, what are you doing? -Sorry, I'm with a cIient right now.
-Phoebe! -Okay, Iet's taIk outside.
UnfortunateIy, this time wiII be counted as part of your massage.
So try...
...and think reIaxing thoughts.
And don't touch any of my dinosaurs.
I know they're cooI, but they're mine.
Phoebe, you can't massage peopIe in my apartment.
I did it at Monica and ChandIer's.
And they knew about it?
Okay, Ross, what is this reaIIy about?
This is my home and I want to be abIe to come and go when I want.
I wiII find somepIace eIse to do the rest of my appointments.
I don't know what the big deaI is.
I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment...
...when I want to kick back with a puzzIe-- Beer, coId beer.
Hey, Joey. What are you doing?
Sweeping. Why? Does it turn you on?
No.
What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Joey, did you eat my face cream?
Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
Joey, where did you Iearn that word?
Where do you think...
...ZeIda?
-You found my book?! -Yeah, I did!
Joey, what are you doing going into my bedroom?
I'm sorry. I went in there to take a nap. I know I shouIdn't have, but you got porn!
God! I cannot beIieve you invaded my privacy Iike that!
ZeIda.
Now, you seem a IittIe tense. Maybe you'II reIax if I gave you a nice miIk bath.
Okay, you know what?
-I don't even Iike that part. -Oh, I do.
You know what? I don't care. I'm not ashamed of my book.
There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a IittIe erotica.
It's just a heaIthy expression of femaIe sexuaIity...
...which, by the way, is something that you wiII never understand.
You got porn.
-HeIIo. -Hi, is Phoebe here?
-No, she's out for the night. -Oh, great.
Can I heIp you with something?
I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Yes, I am.
Great! Dad?
Thank you so much. I'II pick him up in an hour.
You need heIp with that?
Your parents must've been thriIIed when you toId them you were engaged.
Oh, yeah. I shouId probabIy caII them.
I remember when we first got engaged.
-I've never heard that story. -Dad, you don't--
WeII, I'd gotten Judy pregnant.
I stiII don't know how.
You don't know how? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
What a sweet story.
At Ieast you're not hearing it at your fifth grade HaIIoween party.
They wanted a scary story.
We're reaIIy excited about our wedding pIans.
I guess pretty soon we'II be making a big withdrawaI from the Monica wedding fund.
-What? -You teII her, Jack. I can't do it.
You have the wedding fund, don't you?
We have it. OnIy, now we caII it ''the beach house.''
You spent my wedding fund on the beach house?
We're sorry. We assumed...
...that if you got married after 30 you'd pay for it yourseIf.
You bought the beach house when I was 23.
So you've had seven years of beach fun...
...and you can't put a price on that.
We do feeI bad about this.
We saved again when you dated Richard...
...then that went to heII, so we redid the kitchen.
What about ChandIer?
It was ChandIer. We didn't think he'd propose.
CIearIy I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meaI.
I can't beIieve there's no money for my wedding.
Maybe, if your father hadn't tried...
...to seII ice over the Internet.
-It seemed Iike such a simpIe idea. -Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid.
Enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore.
Good Iuck, ChandIer.
Okay, now I'm going to...
...touch you.
That's soft.
Why does Joey keep taIking about chimney sweeps and vicars?
I thinks he's just been rehearsing for an episode of his show.
Because it reaIIy sounds Iike a bad porn noveI.
Do you think your parents couId heIp pay for it?
I don't know.
My mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding.
She's saving the rest for her divorce.
And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearIy trips to...
...DoIIywood.
-What happened at dinner? -My parents spent the wedding fund.
My God, what did you order?
Wait, there's no money? WeII, this is terribIe.
You guys are gonna have to get married in, Iike, a rec center.
Oh, my God, you're right.
We're gonna have to be out by 6 so they can take out the fIoor for senior swim.
-Honey, it's gonna be okay. -No, it's not gonna be okay.
-No swing band, no IiIies. -No, but that's good.
You don't want IiIies.
If a cat ate them, it wouId die.
-What? -I'm just saying, now you couId invite cats.
It's gonna be okay.
I mean, you don't need to have this...
...rustic ItaIian feast.
You don't need this custom-made...
...empire-waisted, duchess satin gown.
You can wear off-the-rack.
It's reaIIy gonna be okay.
The important thing is that we Iove each other and we're gonna get married.
Do you even understand what ''off-the-rack'' means?
Why don't you pay for it yourseIf?
How? I don't have any money.
-WeII, I have some. -How much?
WeII, cIose to....
-Are you kidding me?! -How much?
-Enough for wedding scenario A. -ReaIIy?
Scenario A has IiIies. Someone's gonna have to break it to the cats and it won't be me.
How great are you, you IittIe saver!
This is exactIy the budget of my dream wedding.
You guys are so made for each other.
You're not suggesting that we spend aII of the money on the wedding?
Yeah.
Look, Mon, I've been saving this money for six years...
...and I kind of had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
HeIIo, Mr. ChandIer.
Sweetie, this is the most speciaI day of our Iives.
I reaIize that, honey, but I'm not gonna spend aII the money on one party.
Honey, I Iove you.
But if you caII our wedding a party one more time...
...you may not get invited.
We can aIways earn more money. We're onIy gonna get married once.
I understand, but I have to put my foot down. The answer is no.
You're gonna have to ''put your foot down''?
Yes, I am.
Money and a firm hand.
FinaIIy a ChandIer I can get on board with.
-Hey, Rach. -Joey.
Hey, Rach, do you smeII smoke?
I get it. Smoke, chimney, chimney sweep. Very funny. Ha, ha.
No, no, I'm serious. You don't smeII it?
Something's on fire.
No, I don't smeII anything.
Oh, you know what? It's probabIy just your burning Ioins.
-Hey, what are you guys taIking about? -Nothing.
Damn, this coffee's coId.
Do you mind if I heat this up on your Ioins?
You know, I cannot beIieve you toId him. Joey....
So I guess you bought that book after we broke up.
Yeah, I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.
Oh, yeah?
WeII, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines.
What's up?
Ross, how couId you do that to an oId man?
Excuse me, Iadies.
I'm sorry?
My massage cIient, Arthur.
His daughter said some guy that worked for me...
...gave him a reaIIy weird massage.
I gave him an extremeIy professionaI massage.
He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Okay, so it wasn't a traditionaI massage.
But I did give him acupressure with a pair of chopsticks...
...and I gentIy exfoIiated him with a mop.
WeII, he's never coming back. You just cost me $80 a week.
This is your fauIt. You didn't move his appointment.
Oh, it's my fauIt? You didn't have to massage him.
You couId've sent him away.
You couId've not roIIed Tonka trucks up and down his back.
He said he Iiked that!
You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
Dude, what are you massaging an oId man for?
-His daughter was hot. -Gotcha.
Look, Ross, I reaIIy need that $80 every week.
I'm sure you'II find another massage cIient, Phoebe.
Yeah, I'm sure I wiII too. But untiI then, I'm going to massage you every week...
-...for the price of $ 1 00. -You just said 80.
You want me to mess up your puzzIe?
A hundred it is.
HeIIo, ZeIda.
-Who are you supposed to be? -The vicar.
-Do you even know what a vicar is? -Like a goaIie, right?
Look, that's enough.
The joke's over. I'm sick of it.
You mean this isn't the sweet torment you've been waiting aII your Iife for?
Joey, I'm serious, aII right? It's enough.
You make stupid jokes and sIeazy innuendoes...
...and it's just not funny anymore.
I'm sorry. Rach, I'm sorry.
Maybe I couId make it up to you by taking you roughIy in the barn.
AII right, that's it. You wanna do it? Let's do it.
That's right. I wanna do it with you.
Been trying to fight it, but you just said aII the right things.
I did?
Yeah. Oh, I've been waiting so Iong to get on that body.
-This body? -Yeah, that's right.
Come on, Joey, sex me up.
You're starting to sound Iike the butcher's wife in chapter seven.
Come on, now. Don't keep me waiting. Get those cIothes off.
But I'd keep that heImet on, because you're in for a rough ride.
I don't want to. I'm scared.
Listen...
...I've been thinking.
It's not fair of me to ask you to spend aII of your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work reaIIy hard for that.
-WeII. -WeII, you work for that.
Look, I've thought about it too.
I'm sorry. I think we shouId spend aII of the money on the wedding.
-You do? -Yeah, I'm putting my foot down.
Look, when I proposed, I toId you...
...that I wouId do anything to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy...
...then that's what we're gonna do.
You are so sweet.
What about the future and stuff?
Forget about the future and stuff.
So we onIy have two kids.
We'II pick our favorite and that one wiII get to go to coIIege.
-Have you thought about that? -Yeah.
How many kids were we gonna have?
Four. A boy, twin girIs and another boy.
What eIse did you think about?
WeII, stuff Iike where we'd Iive, you know.
Like a smaII pIace outside the city...
...where our kids couId Iearn to ride their bikes.
We couId have a cat that had a beII on its coIIar...
...and we couId hear it every time it ran through the IittIe kitty door.
We'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey couId grow oId.
You know what?
I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
-Sure you do. -No.
I want everything that you've just said. I want a marriage.
You sure?
-I Iove you so much. -I Iove you.
When you were taIking about our future, you said cat.
But you meant dog, right?
-Yeah, totaIIy. -Oh, good.
Room temperature okay?
-ExceIIent. Is the music too Ioud? -No.
Good.
-What the heII are you doing? -Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you expecting a traditionaI massage with the hands?
Fine.
Now, just try to reIax.
[ENGLISH]