"We've got 3 minutes till it blows. We won't make it!"
"You've got to get out of here! Save yourself!"
"I won't leave you."
"Don't worry about me. I'm a robot. I'm just a machine!"
-"No, you're not. Not to me." -Oh, my God.
-What? -I am extremely talented.
-Yeah. You're great. -Yeah.
-Okay, let's take it from.. -No, I mean, I was really acting my ass off.
I thought I was pretty good, too.
Yeah, you're solid. You're just no me.
You know what? I think that's enough for now.
I don't want to be over-rehearsed.
Fine. I'll do it without you!
I don't need you or anybody else!
I'm gonna make it on my own!
You'll see! You'll all see!
The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
So what are you auditioning for?
It's a new TV show.
I'm up for the part of Mac, Machiavelli, or "Mac"!
I'm a detective and I solve crimes with my robot partner.
He's a computerized humanoid...
electronically enhanced secret enforcer.
Or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
-So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.? -That's the title!
They lucked out that the initials spell "cheese."
That is lucky.
So Joey, if you get this, you're gonna be, like...
the star of your own TV show.
I mean, you'll be like the "Big Cheese" or the "Big Mac." Hey, you love those!
Don't get your hopes up. It probably won't happen.
Why would you say that?
Well, I mean, come on, guys. My own TV show?
-I don't know if I'm good enough. -I am.
What are you talking about? You're a terrific actor.
-You really think so? -How can you even ask that question?
-She's pretty. -Yeah. And she's really nice too.
She taught me all about how to work with cameras...
and "smell the fart" acting.
-I'm sorry. What? -Excuse me?
It's like you got so many lines to learn so fast...
sometimes you need time to remember your next one.
So while you're thinking of it, you take this pause where you look intense.
You know, like this:
Okay.
Here's my scene! Here's my scene!
Mrs. Wallace? I'm Dr. Drake Ramorey, your sister's surgeon.
You sister is suffering from a...
Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here.
And I would have to say your problem is quite clear.
All you want is a tinkle
What you envy's a schwang
A thing through which you can tinkle
Or play with or simply let hang
I play Al Pacino's butt.
All right?
He goes into the shower and then, I'm his butt.
-Oh, my God. -Come on, you guys.
This is a movie and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
It's terrific. You deserve this. After years of struggling...
you've finally cracked your way into show business.
Okay, fine, make jokes. I don't care. This is a big break for me.
-No, you're right, it is. -Yeah.
So, you gonna invite us to the big opening?
All right, I'm out of here. Wish me luck.
Good luck, good luck We all wish you good luck
Yeah, whatever.
Wow, if I could dance, I'd be a triple threat.
It's your turn.
Oh, are we playing this?
How'd the audition go?
Terrible. I messed up every word. I shouldn't even be an actor.
Wait. Are you pretending it didn't go well, but it really did go well?
-Yeah, did I fool you? -Totally!
-So it did go well? -Amazingly well!
-Great! -It's down to me and two other guys.
And they're really good.
One's from those allergy commercials who's chased by flowers.
Oh, I love that guy!
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm so nervous, you know? The callback is tomorrow at 5:00.
-I feel like my head's gonna explode. -Well, it is overdue.
-Don't worry. You'll be fine. -But it's so much pressure.
What you guys do is different. I don't know if you'd understand.
Yeah, we don't have pressure at our jobs.
I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the wee-ness and I'm not happy.
Well, I'm tearing the lettuce.
-Is it dirty? -Don't worry, I'll wash it.
Don't. I like it dirty.
That's your call.
So what are you going to do next?
I thought I'd cut up the tomatoes.
Are they firm?
-They're all right. -You sure they haven't gone bad?
You sure they're not very, very bad?
-No, really. They're okay. -You gonna slice them real nice?
Actually, I was gonna do them julienne.
I'm out of here.
I'm quitting. I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong...
and she didn't even buy it.
I'm quitting. That's it. I'm talking to my boss right now.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
Bye. Call me when you get this message.
Well, what happened?
Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until...
Oh, my God.
And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.
-Was it? -Boy Scouts could've camped under there.
You ate my sandwich?
It was a mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Really?
Now calm down.
Come look in my office. Some of it may still be in the trash.
-What? -Well, it was quite large.
I had to throw most of it away.
You threw my sandwich away?
My sandwich?
My sandwich!
It's just, I want this part so much.
If I don't get this part, I'm never gonna eat macaroni and cheese again.
I didn't say that. That doesn't count.
Come on, guys. It's not like I moved to Europe.
I just moved across the hall.
And we would have you over all the time...
if it weren't for Monica's allergies.
You're right, I could never lie to you.
She hates you.
Should I get that?
Hello? No, Joey's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Yeah, okay. So the audition's been moved from 5:00 to 2:30?
Okay, great. Bye.
-Aren't you dressed yet? -Am I naked again?
We're meeting my parents in 15 minutes.
I was just talking to the guys. Look at them.
Is it okay if they come visit?
What about my allergies?
Right. Your allergies.
All her. She hates you.
Yes! All right.
How cool would it be if you could watch a life-size version of this?
-I mean, how crazy would that be? -As crazy as soccer?
Hello?
What are you talking about? The audition's at 5.
Well, nobody told me.
Who'd you talk to?
Never mind.
You mean you didn't get it from this?
-The allergy guy got the part. Thanks. -Maybe we can fix it.
Maybe we can send him some big flowers and scare him!
How could you do this? This could've turned my career around.
I messed up, okay? I'm sorry. I really messed up.
Why'd you answer my phone?
-I have a machine! -Which I bought for you.
Taught you how to use it. You thought it was a copier.
If there was anything I could do, I'd do it.
Everybody's allowed one mistake, right?
He could have gotten me a VCR or golf clubs.
But no, he has to get me the "Woman Repeller."
The eyesore from the "Liberace House of Crap!"
-It's not that bad. -Easy for you to say.
You don't have to sport a reject from the "Mr. T" collection.
I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do! I do!
I pity the fool that...
When you were late last night, Kathy and I were talking and...
one thing led to another and....
And what? Did you sleep with her?
-No! No, I just kissed her. -What? That's even worse!
-How? -I don't know! But it's the same!
I have no excuses. I was over the line.
Over the line?
You're so far past the line you can't even see it!
The line is a dot to you!
I'm not saying you should magically forgive me.
But you're not perfect. You've made errors in judgment.
Name one!
What happened?
Man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!
How were you locked in? And where the hell's all of our stuff?
This guy came to look at the unit...
and he didn't think it was big enough to fit a man.
So you got in voluntarily?
I was trying to make a sale!
If I ever run into him again, know what I'll do?
Bend over?
There's Lori.
Remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
-Hi, Joey. -Hey.
Well, well. Look what you brought.
And what did you bring?
She's checking her coat.
Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands.
Will you get me a white Zinfandel and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice?
Oh, my God!
Joey's tailor took advantage of me.
What?
No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
You said he'd do my inseam...
then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was...
What?
Cupping.
That's how they do pants!
-Isn't that how a tailor measures? -Yes, yes, it is. In prison!
I said name one!
-I can't believe I did this. -Stop beating yourself up.
People make mistakes. These things happen.
There aren't any messages you've forgotten to give me?
Apparently, you're not very good at it.
-Do you think he'll forgive me? -Of course.
The important thing is that you forgive yourself.
-You know what, I kind of have. -Already?
That was pretty bad what you did.
He will forgive you.
I like to bring a pad with me when I answer the phone, okay?
-You didn't see how mad he was. -I'm sure he'll forgive you.
We've all been there. You fight, you make up. That's how it works.
It took two people to break up this relationship!
Yeah! You and that copy girl...
which yesterday you took responsibility for!
I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for.
-I didn't finish the letter. -What?
-I fell asleep. -You fell asleep?
It was 5:30 in the morning.
And you had rambled on for 18 pages.
Front and back!
And by the way? Y-O-U, apostrophe R-E means, "you are."
Y-O-U-R means "your."
I can't believe I thought of getting back together with you.
We are so over!
Fine by me!
And just so you know, it's not that common...
it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!
I knew it!
-You had no right to go out with him. -That's ridiculous..
-You sold me out! -I did not!
-You did! You sold me.. -Would you let me talk?
Did you just flick me?
Well, you wouldn't let me finish and..
Stop it!
-Stop. -Stop.
-All right. No, let's not do this. -No!
-Happy thoughts. -No!
Okay, now I'm gonna kick some ass!
All right. Now, I will let go if you both stop.
-Fine. -Fine.
There we go.
You know what? If we were in prison, you guys would be my bitches.
Okay, buddy boy, here it is.
You hide my clothes? I'm wearing everything you own.
Oh, my God!
Look at me, I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?
Maybe if I wasn't going commando.
I tell you, it's hot with all this on. I'd better not do any lunges.
Joey?
Got you the Joey special! Two pizzas!
Hello? Damn it!
Hello?
No, Joey's not here right now, but I can take a message. I think.
He's still got a chance for the part? That's great news!
Well, no, obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog.
That's great. I'll give Joey the message.
Yes!
Okay.
Mac...
audition...
at 2:00.
Allergy...
actor...
attacked.
By dog...
not...
flowers.
-Tell me you got the message. -What message?
The actor playing Mac couldn't do it. They needed you at 2.
What? It's 6:00!
Look! I wrote it on the board!
I wrote it down, then went looking for you!
I went to Ross's, the coffee house...
I went to any place they make sandwiches!
-I can't believe this, Chandler! -I'm sorry.
-I don't know what to say! -You might say congratulations!
I saw the board, I went to the audition, I got the part!
Was that funny? I was worried.
-I'm sorry. -That fake-out thing is just mean.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
Well, that's good.
Because you didn't! And I'm incredibly happy for you!
That's mean!
-You had me going! -We could do this all day.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's talk about what a huge star I'm gonna be.
You're gonna be huge! I'm gonna hug you!
-You hug me! -All right.
-Do we do this too much? -I think so.
-Yeah. Get off me. -Yeah.
"C.H.E.E.S.E., I'm not leaving without you.
Route your backup power source through your CPU."
"l can't! My circuits are fried! They're fried, I tell you!"
"Then I'll carry you!"
"That'll be a neat trick..."
"when you're dead!"
You don't have to yell.
There was just an explosion. My hearing would be impaired.
I thought you were great.
For a minute, I was like, "Where'd Ross go?"
Thank you. And that first scene where you meet Mac...
-Yeah? -Oh, my God. I mean...
And you know what?
That's enough for today. Thanks for your help.
-Holding us back. -Totally.