Remember when I had a monkey?
What was I thinking?
Hey, so, what's with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?
20 percent is a pretty generous tip.
You know what's more generous? 50 percent!
-You know what's even more generous? -I see where you're going.
What's up with the greed?
I'm sorry.
I have to get new headshots made, and they're really expensive.
I'm down to, like, three.
Actually, two, because one of them I blackened some teeth.
Why'd I do that?
Isn't there something you can do to earn extra money?
Can't you pick up an extra shift here?
Or, you know, I used to beg for money.
It helps if you've got a little of this going on.
Wow! I still have it.
Don't you have an audition today? Maybe you'll get that job.
Wait a minute.
I used to get medical experiments done on me.
Finally, an explanation.
I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff.
Let's see... Well, I don't want to donate sperm again.
I really prefer doing that at the home office.
Maybe they want some of my blood or spit or something, huh?
-Joey? -Yeah.
What did I tell you about talking while working?
Do it?
That guy's been waiting 10 minutes. He's complained about you three times.
Now, where was l?
The One With Unagi
What are you up to?
We went to a self-defense class today.
Kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of you.
Takes it out of you?
Now we can kick anybody's ass.
After one class? I don't think so.
You want to see me self-defend myself?
Pretend you're a predator.
Go on, I dare you!
Of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming.
That's not enough.
Look, I studied karate for a long time.
And there's a concept you should be familiar with.
It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Isn't that a kind of sushi?
No, it's a concept.
Yeah, it is. It's freshwater eel.
Maybe it means that too.
I would kill for a salmon-skin roll right now.
Fine, get attacked. I don't even care.
Come on, Ross, we're sorry. Please tell us what it is.
Unagi is a state of total awareness.
Only by achieving true unagi...
can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
In case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat...
or your kettle of fish?
It's one thing being prepared for an attack against each other.
Whole other story being prepared for an attack. I don't know.. Surprise!
You knew that was coming...
but that doesn't mean you have unagi.
If we made reservations, we could have unagi in a half-hour.
-Is Monica here? -No.
I need help. I don't know what to get for Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day was two weeks ago, so I wouldn't get her a calendar.
She was working, so we're celebrating tonight.
Why don't you book a day for both of you at those romantic spas?
That's actually a good idea.
And, of course, crotchless panties.
As appealing as that sounds to her boyfriend...
and her brother...
We promised to make each other gifts this year.
-I love that. -You guys!
You can't make crotchless panties?
You take scissors and cut..
Okay, okay, okay.
Making things sounds so much fun.
I thought so too, until I papier-mached one of my eyes shut.
I love papier-mache! What did you make?
I made a flar-lar-lar.
-What is that? -Nothing!
So, what are you gonna do?
Have you made anything I can take credit for?
I have, I have! I started making little sock bunnies!
Oh, for crying out loud!
Wait a minute. That is my sock!
Now it's your little bunny friend.
Okay...
This actually is a flar-lar-lar.
Can I ask about the Valentine's Day gifts?
-Yeah. -Do we have to make the entire thing?
Yes. Did you forget to make yours?
Of course not.
I just have to go to the place where I made it and pick it up.
I can't wait. It'll be the best Valentine's Day ever!
I can't believe it! Make the presents!
-What? -Just so excited to make the presents!
Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani.
With all due respect, I'd like to donate some fluids.
We're at the end of a research cycle and not looking for applicants now.
That's too bad. I've been saving up.
You sure there's no studies I can participate in?
-Here's a schedule. -Thanks.
This one starts now.
Only identical twins are eligible. It's a twin study.
But it's $2000!
Sorry.
And this?
"Testing the Effects of Joey Tribbiani on Attractive Nurse Receptionist."
Results are back on that one. They're not good.
-That was good. -Yeah.
Danger! Danger!
What the hell was that?
A lesson in the importance of unagi.
You're a freak!
Perhaps.
Now I'm curious.
At what point during those girlish screams would you have kicked my ass?
All right, so we weren't prepared!
I'm sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point.
I just want you to be safe.
Danger!
Ah-ha!
Unagi!
2000 bucks is a lot of money.
I wish I had a twin.
Where could I find someone...
who looks exactly like me?
Chandler.
I sensed it was you.
What?
Unagi.
I'm always aware.
Are you aware that unagi is an eel?
-What's up? -I can't figure out what to make Monica.
Why don't you make her one of your little jokes?
I'm going crazy. Do you have anything homemade?
You know what? She'd love this.
It's a replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
I could use that. I could say, "Your love sends me to the moon."
Except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the moon.
You can say, "Your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely."
I can't give this to her.
-Why not? -It says "Captain Ross" on the side.
And it says "I hate Monica" on the bottom.
Danger!
Salmon-skin roll.
Yes, honey, I made it myself.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
A mixed tape! A mixed tape!
Hi! Ready to exchange gifts?
-Sure. You go first. -Okay, come here.
Okay, it's not wrapped because I just finished it.
But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.
What a great gift!
Is "The Way You Look Tonight" on it?
We'll have to listen and see.
Oh, I love it! Thank you so much.
You ready to open yours?
It's a sock bunny.
Remember how I call you bunny?
Not really.
I did one time. And I want to start doing it more.
-That's what this is about. -I see.
Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
No, she doesn't. What she makes, they're sock rabbits.
They're completely different. Okay, okay.
I didn't make it!
I forgot about tonight and that we're supposed to make the presents.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
You're so incredible.
You went through all this time and effort to make this tape.
I'll make this up to you. I will.
I am going to cook you anything you want in here.
And I'm going to do anything you want in there.
Well, I did put a lot of thought into the tape.
You are way too young to have seen that.
Your birthday's in a month and a half.
What if I forget to get you a present for that too?
You are totally and completely 100 percent forgiven.
We've got to wash that.
Remember that jacket you loved that was too expensive?
You have done enough.
I'll wake up early and get it.
No, you don't.. Get it in black, not brown.
Your cake is ready.
It's like that old saying, "Have sex, eat some cake."
Hey, Mon. Hey, Chan. Just getting a soda.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Joey.
How are you doing?
No! No! No! No! No!
How you doing?
Damn it, Carl! Go wait in the hall.
I've got to apologize on behalf of Carl.
Who the hell is Carl?
Did I not mention?
Carl is a guy I hired to be my twin for a medical research project.
Sometimes the good ideas are right in front of you.
It sounds crazy, but it might work. The only problem is Carl's acting...
The only problem?
He's the reason I didn't get that big commercial a couple of years ago.
We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed up.
Can I get a piece of that cake?
Pizza! We like pizza! Get out!
-Pat Sajak? -Yep.
-Alex Trebek? -Of course.
-Chuck Woolery? -Definitely.
You will not find a single game-show host whose ass I cannot kick.
-Say it! -Say we are unagi!
It's not something you are, it's something you have.
Say it!
I could easily get out of this...
but there's a chance you could get very, very hurt!
Carl, we're next. Now remember, what is this not gonna be?
-Another Minute Maid fiasco. -That's right.
And what are you not gonna do?
-I'm not gonna talk because.. -Damn it, Carl!
Can I have the next one, please?
Thank you.
Joey and Tony Tribbiani.
That's us.
But this is a study for identical twins.
That's right. $2000.
But you're not identical twins.
Damn it, Carl!
Oh, my good God.
Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals.
Tonight, number three:
Macaroni and cheese with cut-up hot dogs.
Look, you have done enough. You have to stop this now.
I will, but not tonight.
For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape that you made me.
Oh, the mixed tape.
"The Way You Look Tonight" is on here.
Dance with me.
You are just the sweetest.
I love the way you look every night, Chandler.
That's why I made you this tape.
Happy birthday! Love, Janice!
No, you're the sweetest.
Okay, ladies, that ends today's class.
Remember, be safe out there.
-Great class. -Thanks.
I was watching.
A couple of questions:
You know that last move...
where that woman tripped you and pinned you to the floor?
What would you do next?
She'd take the keys and jam them in your..
No, no. What would you do next?
-Who, me, the attacker? -Yes, that's right.
Why?
I tried attacking two women. Did not work.
What?
No, it's okay. They're my friends.
In fact, I was married to one of them.
You attacked your ex-wife?
Oh, no. No, no.
I tried.
But I couldn't. That's why I'm here.
Maybe we could attack them together!
That's a no.
I am so, so, so, so sorry.
And I will cook anything you want in here...
and do anything you want in there.
Yeah, you will! And are you kidding me?
Come on, Monica, it's our Valentine's Day.
Please, please, please, please?
Okay.
-So are we going in there? -I am!
Nowhere to run.
I don't like sitting up here. I'm gonna go over..
No, they got here first.
-Why is Ross doing that? -Danger!
Oh, my God! Why is he jumping on those women?
We should help them.
I don't think they need any help.