So it seems like this lnternet thing is here to stay, huh?
It's okay not to talk.
Hey, you guys, guess what.
-Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce. -Oh, my God.
What is the matter with you?
No. Barry and Mindy.
Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.
Who's Barry and Mindy?
Barry was the guy that I almost married, and Mindy was my best friend.
Wasn't he cheating on you with her?
But that just means he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
-Why did they get divorced? -Well, apparently...
she caught him cheating on her with someone else.
Isn't that sad?
Can you imagine if I'd married him? How different would my life be?
I've always wondered how different my life would be...
if I'd never gotten divorced.
-Which time? -The first time!
Imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
I bet I'd still be doing my karate.
Towards the end of our marriage, I did a lot of karate to release the tension...
from not doing anything else physical.
Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it "ka-ra-tay."
What if I was still fat?
You wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
-Sure I would. -Come on.
You guys really think I'm that shallow?
No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Hey, imagine if I'd never got fired off Days of Our Lives.
Hey. Hey, there's Carol again.
What if I had had the guts to quit my job?
I'd probably be writing for The New Yorker, being paid to be funny.
But my job's fun too. I mean, tomorrow...
I don't have to wear a tie.
What if I'd taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
-What? -Merrill Lynch?
I had a massage client who worked there, and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Why didn't you take the job?
Because at that time, I thought that everything that rhymed was true.
I thought if I worked with stocks...
I'd have to live in a box and only eat lox and have a pet fox.
Yeah, you don't want that in a broker.
Do you guys think if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
The One That Could Have Been
Oh, my God. Rachel Green?
Rob Tilman!
No, no, it's me. Ross.
Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tilman.
-No. No, no. Ross Geller. -Of course! Monica's brother.
-Yeah. Right. -Wow! How are you?
Good. Good. I'm married.
Me too!
-Isn't it the best? -Oh, it's the best.
-So how's Monica? -Really, really great.
Actually, she's right down the street. You should stop by and say hi.
-I would love to. -She'd be so excited.
-Okay. -Come on.
Wait, don't you have to pay for...
Busty Ladies?
No, that's okay. Some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I....
Don't you have to give him his money back?
Here you go, buddy. Sorry, no porn for you.
Okay, let's go see Monica.
So, Monica. Still going out with Dr. Boring, huh?
He's not boring. He's just...
He's low-key.
-Here you go, one hazelnut latte. -Thank you.
You know, the hazelnut, actually not a nut.
It's a seed.
Wow.
Can anyone else name a well-known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Oh, dear God. Let me think.
What's the matter?
I got another rejection letter.
They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic" funny.
I gotta get back to the hospital.
-Bye. -Bye-bye.
By the way, the answer is: the Brazil nut.
Was his question, "What's more boring than him?"
And nice sweater vest, by the way.
-Stop it, guys. He's sweet. -Yeah, yeah.
Hey, man. Sorry about the Archie thing.
You need me to give you some money?
I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Really?
Joey doesn't have to give you the money.
-TV stars have assistants, right? -That's an idea.
If I hire an assistant, would you take money from her?
No, Joey. Chandler could be your assistant.
He could answer all your fan mail and stuff.
-That would be great! Let's do that! -I could use the money.
I'd have time to write.
-Great. Welcome aboard! -Okay!
All right. Now, I need to use the bathroom.
Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!
All right.
-Hey. -Hey, Phoebe.
Guess what. Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant.
That's so sweet.
Oh! Hang on!
Hang on!
Go!
No. No, no. I said sell when it hits 50!
Five-oh! It's a number! It comes after four-nine!
No, it's okay. It's okay. You're allowed one mistake.
Just kidding. You are, of course, fired.
Oh, what a shame. I really liked her.
Hey, Mon? Mon, look who I ran into!
Oh, my God, Rachel!
-God, you look terrific! -So do you!
-Did you lose weight? -You are so sweet to notice.
Yes, I lost 3.5 pounds!
You remember my friend Chandler.
-And that's Phoebe over there. -Hi.
Sit down. How long has it been since we've seen each other?
1987, the day after Christmas. Sean McMahan's party.
I played you one of my songs, you know, "lnterplanetary Courtship Ritual."
Oh, yeah. Right.
-So, now, do you still do music? -Well, sometimes.
-Come over sometime. I'll play you.. -Oh, my God!
Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives just walked in here!
-Rach, he's a friend of ours. -You're friends with Dr. Drake Ramoray?
It's hard to be friends with Drake...
because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Hey, or I could bring my keyboard here sometime.
-He's coming over. -Joey?
I know. Here, here.
No. This is my friend Rachel. We went to high school together.
-Hi. -Hi.
I love you on that show.
I watch you every day.
When you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife...
even though she tried to kill you...
It's always nice to meet fans.
-She's not crazy, is she? -No.
So how you doing?
Hang on.
Hang on. Hang on.
Go!
Who's this?
You're gonna like working for me.
What's your name? What kind of name is "Brindy"?
Stop talking.
All right, from now on your name is Joan.
You can pick your own last name.
I can't find my pen. Did you eat that too?
-There you are. -Uh-oh, it's my boss.
Here's a list of things for you to do today.
This is gonna be so great. Thank you so much.
I gotta go to work. I'm delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine.
"Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins."
"Teach me how to spell vitamins."
"Wear in my new jeans."
-You realize what you are, don't you? -What?
You're his bitch!
No, no! No!
Wait! You didn't sit on my Kit Kats did you?
No, there was a little, little dip in the market...
and I lost 13 million dollars.
But the Kit Kats are all right?
What am I gonna do? I can't call my office, they'll kill me.
I can't call my clients, they'll kill themselves!
-Great, now my chest hurts. -What?
My chest hurts.
-And now I can't breathe. -Are you having a heart attack?
If I were, would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
-Yes. -Then, yes. That is what I'm having.
Oh, my God!
Okay, this thing is useless. So will you dial 911 for me?
Come on, Phoebe, it's not that bad.
Most people would be excited if they didn't work for a couple weeks.
Most people don't like their jobs. I love my job.
I've been not working for three hours, and I'm already going crazy.
I miss Joan.
Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.
You're not gonna die.
I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today.
I wish I was dead.
Let's take a walk.
You should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine.
What's going on with you?
Well, I've been doing a lot more of my karate.
-Still a dry spell with Carol? -Yeah.
How long has it been since you've had sex?
-Well, last weekend... -Oh, that's not so bad.
will be two months...
since I stopped trying.
You need to spice things up.
-What do you mean? -I don't know.
You could tie her up. You could eat stuff off each other.
Dirty talk, menage a trois, toys.
Role-playing. You're the warden, she's the prisoner.
-You're the pirate, she's the wench. -Okay, I think I got it.
Or you could be two stockbrokers, and you're rolling naked on the trading floor...
and everybody's watching.
It never happened.
Sorry.
-So how is it going with Joey? -Just great. He beeps me now with codes.
One is: "Bring me food."
Two is: "I'm with a girl. Bring us food."
Three is: "I'm lost and I can't find food."
Oh, sweetie.
Is there any food around here?
-Is she gonna be all right? -Yeah, she's in there.
Oh, great.
Go take off those pants. They look ready.
And over there is Brady's Pub...
where I like to unwind after a long day of "surgeoning."
This is so amazing. What else?
Well, that is a large piece of television equipment.
And that is an old man.
-Hey, old man! -Hey.
Alrighty. What do you say we head back to my place?
You know, I would really love to, but I shouldn't.
Why? Why can't the world stop turning...
just for a moment, just for us?
Isn't that a line from the show?
Yeah, but...
I may have said those things before, but...
I never truly meant them until now.
That's a line from the show too!
Okay, you watch too much TV.
Here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for.
Thanks.
There's pulp in that.
I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp.
No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice.
I'm sorry. I guess I just like the pulp.
I'm sorry. I am being so rude.
Rachel, would you like a soda or something?
Because Chandler will run right out and get it.
Yeah, well, sure, iced tea would be great.
Iced tea.
Okay. Anything for you, sir?
Did I not just tell him?
Okay, look, Chandler, if this is gonna work...
you have got to listen.
You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't you?
It's not all juice.
So, honey, this morning was fun, huh?
Me hopping in on you in the shower there?
Yeah, maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Look, Carol, I was thinking maybe...
Maybe we can spice things up a little.
-What do you mean? -Carol, our sex life. It's just not..
-Dad! -Hey there, little fella!
Why don't we get some shoes on you, huh?
Why don't you show Dad how you can put your shoes on in your room.
Seriously, our sex life.
I was thinking maybe, I don't know...
we could try some new things, you know, for fun.
-Like what? -Well, I don't know.
What if we were to...
tie each other up?
Some people eat stuff off one another.
Yeah.
You know, we could try dirty talk.
-We could have a threesome. -I love that idea!
Who sold a story to Archie Comics?
Oh, my God, that's so great.
You're a published writer. I wish I had a present for you.
Wait a minute.
My last Kit Kat bar.
-You want to share it? -Okay!
Chandler, I know you're mad. I'm sorry.
I was a total jerk. Completely over the line.
I just... I hate pulp.
You know how Monica feels about low-fat mayonnaise?
It's not mayonnaise!
Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and here.
-What's this? -Fresh-squeezed orange juice, with pulp.
-Just the way you like it. -Thanks, man.
Hey, Joey.
Joey? Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics.
That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?
You wouldn't care. It's just a stupid comic book story.
Are you kidding me? I love Archie and the whole gang.
Well, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy.
But he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money.
So Reggie hires him as his assist..
As his butler.
And then makes him do crazy things...
Like bring him milk shakes that can't have lumps in them.
Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar.
Did they already do that one? I think I read it!
Monica, listen. I have to ask.
Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment.
-Does he do this with a lot of girls? -Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot.
And I'm one of them.
I just cannot believe this. I mean, Joey Tribbiani.
You don't have to use his last name.
But, Monica, come on, it's Joey Tribbiani.
I guess you have to.
It's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Yeah.
I wish we could just not be married for a little bit.
You know, I just wish we could be, like, on a break.
Well, you're not.
It's easy for you. You're not married. You can have sex with whoever you want.
Yeah, I can.
Don't think I don't. I do.
I mean, all the time. You bet!
Monica?
You've done it, right?
Of course I have. What do you think, I'm, like, some 30-year-old virgin?
Oh, my God. You're a 30-year-old virgin.
Say it louder. The guy in the back didn't hear you.
Yeah, I heard it.
It's not like I haven't had the opportunity.
I'm just waiting for the perfect guy.
I'm seeing this guy Roger. He's not perfect...
but I'm thinking maybe I should get it over with.
You know, give him my flower.
Oh, my God, do it! Honey, you've waited long enough.
-You know what? You are right. -Sex doesn't have to be a big deal.
There shouldn't be all these rules and restrictions.
People should be able to sleep with whoever they want, whenever..
Rachel, I'm never gonna think it's okay for you to cheat on your husband.
What do you know, virgin?
Phoebe?
Why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?
The doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Put the cigarette out.
No, it's not a cigarette. The smoke is coming out of me!
-Put it out. -Okay, okay!
-I'm so glad you're here. -Come on.
-I got it. -Give it to me!
-I got it. -Give it!
Hello?
She can't come to the phone now.
Right. No problem. Okay, bye-bye.
Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?
No, just relax. Nobody yelled.
Jack was making sure you were getting better.
Thank God.
Yeah, she's fired.
You've done all you can, Dr. Wesley.
You've got to let her go.
Goodbye and Godspeed, Hope Brady.
Not so fast, Wesley.
Ramoray!
That's right, Wesley.
I just stopped by to say that you're not a real doctor.
And that woman's brain is fine.
Oh, thank God.
-Hope? Hope? -Drake.
You're not dying, Hope.
You're gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Oh, Drake.
Okay.
Here we go.
Hi, Joey? It's Rachel.
I am free tomorrow night.
Yeah, sure, sure, I can bring some sandwiches.
So, honey...
this threesome thing?
How are we even gonna start to find..?
Actually, I'm making a list of women I know who might be into this.
Boy.
Someone's been doing their homework.
I know Gail Rosten is in there twice...
but she is so....
Oh, I know.
You know, just talking about it is getting me kind of...
I know. Me too.
I think Ben's asleep.
You know, I think it'll be better if we just save it.
Right. Save it. I can do that.
Why do you always wear that dumb hat?
What, you late for your paper route?
"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Here's your paper.
I'm sorry about your window."
Hey, Phoebe.
How's it going?
I've got to get out of this bed. I'm going crazy here! Crazy!
Here you go, sweetie.
What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea.
Well, I put some honey in it.
-She doesn't know she was fired? -No, the doctors say it may kill her.
What are you girls whispering about over there?
But I think we should tell her.
Look, Phoebe, maybe this whole heart-attack thing is a sign...
that you should start thinking about getting a different job.
Okay, what is this, a stupid contest?
Because we've got a winner here.
He's right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
I know. But if I didn't work there, what else would I do?
-You used to like playing the guitar. -That was lucrative. Smart like your brother.
What about the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Pulling in a salary in the high six figures...
or rubbing gross naked people for chump change.
What do I do? What will I do?
I mean, it's just so realistic.
I know.
His name's Pat.
Pat the dog.
I get it!
Ready for a refill?
I probably shouldn't.
So I will!
-It's like it's raining. -Pretty cool, huh?
But if you think you could put a fish in there...
and it wouldn't get sucked into the mechanism, you'd be wrong.
Can I use your bathroom?
It's right through there.
You know, I gotta tell you.
If someone told me a week ago...
that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment...
Life's pretty great, isn't it?
I hope you're hungry.
We're starting with oysters.
You know what they say about oysters, don't you?
They have parasites?
Some people say that oysters are an aphrodisiac.
-What people? -People.
People say it.
Come here.
So, oysters, huh?
Then we'll have a little Middle Eastern couscous.
Something we can eat...
with our hands.
When we were studying communicable diseases..
No, no. No.
It's sensual.
Didn't know. Okay.
Sorry, it's the hospital.
The food looks great. Save me some?
I can't promise anything.
We're really gonna do this?
Looks like it.
If this is too weird for you, you can still back out anytime..
I got it!
-Thank you so much for coming. -I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I'm Ross, by the way.
Hello, Ross.
-I love what you've done with this space. -Thank you so much.
How hot is this?!
I'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I could make it seem like he's here.
"Here's some little-known facts about couscous:
They didn't add the second 'cous' until 1979."
Stop it! That's not funny!
I'm sorry, okay? It's just...
tonight was supposed to be a big deal.
-What was tonight? -You don't want to know.
What was tonight?
Tonight was going to be my first time.
With Roger?
Not just with Roger?
Oh, my God.
All right, relax, Mr. I've-Had-Sex-Four-Times!
Four different women!
I've had sex way more times.
-How many? -Nine.
I'm just waiting for the perfect guy.
Good for you. You really think that Roger's the perfect guy?
No, but he's not a horrible guy.
That's what I tell girls about me.
Chandler, I'm gonna die a virgin!
No, you are not. You are sweet and wonderful...
and this is gonna happen for you.
Oh, really? When? Do you want to do it with me?
Okay.
I was kidding.
So was I.
You're such an amazing actor.
How do you know where Dr. Drake Ramoray leaves off...
and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Well, with Dr. Drake...
they always tell me what to say.
And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Tell me something, Joey.
-I just fell right off the couch there. -Yeah, you did.
Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
When was the last time...
someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Wow.
I can't feel my hands.
Come on. Come here.
We can't do this.
Oyster?
If we did do this, there'd be a lot of pressure on me.
Because you've waited a long time, and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
But I have nothing to compare it to.
Even if you were horrible, how would I know?
I do like that.
It's harder for me. I have four women to compete with.
Well, if it helps, there were only three.
So it'd just be for tonight, right?
Absolutely. It would just be one friend helping out another friend.
Stop it. We're not doing this.
-Let's do it! -No!
Okay!
Do you have any moves?
I have some moves.
I have no moves.
Okay, what you doing there?
-I'm sorry, this is just too weird. -Yeah, forget it.
What if I turn out the lights?
That's the couch.
I know.
Oh, my God!
I know!
I'll tell you something.
We are gonna do that again!
Morning.
Oh, right.
Oh, God.
Oh, I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up.
He actually saw you a little bit too.
Oh, God, we didn't...?
Not after seeing that.
God, I'm just a horrible person.
-Wh..? Why? -Because I'm married.
That's right, I'm a married woman.
I came to a TV star's apartment to have an affair.
That's ridiculous.
I'm not a "star."
I'm just a regular famous actor.
And I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Rachel, will you stop saying that?
Hey, look.
Remember on the show when Capri was dying?
-And she gave me.. -The ring from the cave.
Oh, my God! They let you keep that stuff?
Sure. As long as they don't find out, you can keep whatever you want.
And I want you to have it.
No, I couldn't.
Every time you look at it...
I want you to remember that you are a good person.
Now, you had the chance to cheat...
and with me.
But you didn't. And that's what this ring stands for.
But I thought that ring stood for Capri's undying love for her brother.
Look, you want the ring or not?
Hey, look at you! You're up!
I thought I'd try to take a walk.
Will you pour me some water? I'll be back soon.
You're not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are you?
No. I've learned my lesson.
Let's go! Come on! Move it!
Phoebe, come on!
Shoes, briefcase. Thanks, Lou. Good luck with the gallbladder.
Hey, Joe...
did you ever have a threesome?
Look, Ross, I think Carol's great, and I'm sure you're very attractive, but...
No. The reason I'm asking is that...
I sort of had one last night.
You?
All right. So? Was it amazing?
It was...
okay.
Just okay? Did you do it right?
Look, it's just, did you ever go to a party and think:
"Would anyone really miss me if I weren't here?"
But still, Ross...
your worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day.
It's just...
my part seemed to be over pretty quickly...
and then there was a lot of waiting around.
But you got to be with both of them.
Not really.
Just Carol.
-Not the other one? -No, she kept kicking me away.
You don't want that.
At least you got to see a lot of stuff.
Oh, I saw a lot of stuff.
-You get a little bored? -A little.
Made a snack.
-What'd you have? -Just a sandwich.
Turkey. A little mustard.
-Sounds good. -It really was.
Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night.
Wait a minute, that was you.
Hey, check me out. I'm a slut!
So you want to do something tonight?
I can't. Dr. Roger's coming over again.
Oh, right.
Because you're still seeing him, and he's a good guy.
I remember a time....
Are you okay?
Yeah, totally.
Totally. Are you?
Great. It's so amazing.
Last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous.
But after being with you, I'm like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
I bet he can.
"l don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical."
-You sure you're okay? -Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
My God! Barry!
You said you were going to be away all weekend!
That's right! I'm sorry! I am early!
Finish, please!
Surprise! Look who's back!
Call security.
Phoebe, didn't you get fired?
I don't think so.
-What are you doing here? -All better. Back to work.
This clown from research told me I was fired.
He should do his research, huh?
Well, you were fired.
I told that guy who answered your phone.
I didn't get that message. So this doesn't count.
Anyway, I'll be in my office.
Phoebe, you don't have an office.
I'll work right here.
This is good. Next to this plant.
You're in my office.
I've made a lot of cash for this company. I am talking big bucks!
Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake..
You lost 13 million dollars.
So now this is all about money?
You know, it's bad enough that...
You have got to be kidding.
-Are you all right? -I'm having another heart attack.
I'm having another heart attack!
Call 911!
Dumb-ass!
Phoebe, how's it going?
They fired me, and I'm having a heart attack.
Well, welcome back.
Is Joey Tribbiani here?
If you see him, please tell him I'm looking for him...
and that this time I am not gonna throw up!
Well, that's always good news.
Are you okay?
Me? I'm great!
I'm fine! I'm so good!
But you know who's not great?
Men!
You're a man, right, Ross?
Sit down.
Let me ask you something.
Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Why is it that the second we tell you we are going out of town...
bam, there you are in bed with the neighbor's dog-walker?
We're sorry.
No, seriously. Seriously. What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
-Didn't you spend last night at Joey's? -What are you, a detective?
I don't know what's going on with you and your husband...
and what is hopefully an adult dog-walker.
Look, can I just say, not all men are like that.
There are men who'll do anything to make their marriage work.
Men who will stand by and watch...
as their wives engage in what can only be described as a "twosome"...
with some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Who are these men?
Just men. A guy I know.
Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife...
is gay.
She is not...
She's gay.
Oh, my God.
She is so gay!
I can't believe this.
Good day for married people, huh?
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
I'm sorry your wife is gay.
I guess women aren't that great either.
Try telling my wife that.
Okay to come in?
Come in, eat, whatever you want.
Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Yeah, I know. Guess who beeped him.
I'm the ruptured spleen.
Why would you do that?
Because you shouldn't be with him.
You should be with me.
Really?
When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me.
Things like last night, they don't just happen.
At least not to me. I mean, with the other two women...
in the morning, I couldn't wait to go hang out with my friends.
But with you...
I was, you know, already with a friend.
You probably don't want to go out with me.
I make too many jokes, I've never been in a serious relationship...
and I'm not technically a "doctor."
There was just one woman, wasn't there?
No, there were two.
-Including me? -Oh, yeah.
It only takes two heart attacks To finally make you see
One of them won't do it But the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger It's time to say goodbye
And that is just what I will do
Soon as those bastards I worked for Die