Oh! Hey, Rach.
I was just coming over here to...
Wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore.
I'm eating their food. You?
Ross is on a date with my sister. They shut the drapes two hours ago.
I didn't know we could date your sister.
We know you steal our food.
I'm good.
Drapes still closed?
Yeah. That perverted couple two doors over should've shut theirs.
-Is that a swing? -Oh, don't even ask.
I can't believe Ross is with her sister.
When Chandler kissed my sister, I was mad for 10 years.
-That was five years ago. -You got five years left.
-Joey.. -Want to make it six?
The One Where Chandler Can't Cry
Oh, Ross, hey. Hi, how are you? There you are.
Can I get a cup of coffee?
So how was your big date last night?
It was okay. It was fun.
It was fun? Great.
So did you guys hit it off?
I guess so.
So did anything happen? Rumor has it you guys shut the drapes.
No. No. Nothing happened.
I shut the drapes to show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Oh, slides!
So really nothing happened.
Something could've happened.
She really dug my slides.
And she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Was it the "Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite" vibe?
I'm telling you, she was in to me, okay?
Hey, you remembered trilobite.
Anyway...
If she wasn't into me, why would she ask me out again?
-She asked you out again? -Yeah.
Tomorrow night. Valentine's Day. The most romantic day of the year.
Who knows what could happen.
I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides.
Okay! I got it, I got it.
I can't go with the "you and my sister" thing.
It's just too weird, all right?
I imagine the two of you together.
It just freaks me out. I can't do it!
It's okay.
It's too weird for you. I won't see her again.
Thank you.
After tomorrow night.
No! I can't do it. It's gonna freak me out!
Okay, okay, okay!
Okay. I'll tell her tonight I can't see her anymore.
Ross, thanks.
Want me to call her now?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
No. Come on, I mean, that's crazy.
So, what's going on with you?
Well...
I may teach another class this semester.
Do it now. Call her now.
-This is my favorite part. -Me too.
I don't know what you guys are so sad about. It all works out.
E.T. stays with Elliott, and they get to be best friends forever.
You've seen this movie before, E.T. goes back home.
What?
Oh, no, I forgot.
You know what's sadder than this? Bambi.
I cried for three days with that movie. No, two.
The third day my mom killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.
Well, that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?
Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.
If this movie's making you guys cry so much, let's just change the channel.
There.
Joey, you're crying over a Doritos commercial.
I was up for that part.
It's okay to cry. You don't have to be macho all the time.
I'm not macho.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I just never really cried. I'm not a crying kind of guy.
Come on, there's gotta be something that gets you choked up. Like...
What if you saw a three-legged puppy?
I'd be sad, sure.
But I wouldn't cry.
What if the puppy said, "Help me, Chandler.
All the other puppies pick on me."
Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich!
I've got it. I have got it.
Pictures from your childhood.
This'll get you going good.
Oh, what's going on there?
Parents' Day. First grade.
That's me with the janitor, Martin.
-Where are your parents? -They didn't want to come.
-Chandler! -Poor thing.
That story doesn't make you cry?
No. Look, I don't cry. It's not a big deal, okay?
No! It's not okay!
It's not okay at all!
You're dead inside!
-Excuse me? -Yeah?
-Are you Phoebe Buffay? -Yeah.
Can I get your autograph? I'm your biggest fan.
My biggest fan? I've always wanted to meet you.
Sure. Yeah.
Wow. Wow, thanks a lot.
I just want to say, I think you're really talented.
You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan.
Take good care of that guy. He's a fan.
Bye.
So you saw me on Days of Our Lives, huh?
You want me to do a little Dr. Drake Ramoray for you?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
But I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph.
Oh. You're Phoebe's fan.
Oh, yeah. I've seen all her movies.
-Movies? -That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
I don't think so.
No, it was. She was in Sex Toy Story Two...
Lawrence of a Labia.
And I got her autograph.
The guys at the comic book store won't believe this.
Gunther?
Don't let that guy in here anymore. He said Phoebe's a porn star.
Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good.
You should check out Inspect Her Gadget.
-Hey. -Hey.
Ross just totally blew me off, and he didn't even tell me why.
Oh, well.
The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else.
Oh! There is this great guy you will just love at work, named Bob.
He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Maybe I talk too much, or maybe I should have been more aggressive sexually.
No, no, no.
No, that would never have worked on Ross.
But you know who that might work on? Bob in Human Resources.
Thanks, but I'm not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Not random. Bob.
It's probably because I'm not mature enough or smart enough...
Maybe he doesn't like the way I dress.
No, that can't be it. It's gotta be the smart thing.
I'm so stupid. I'm just this, like, incredibly pretty, stupid girl.
No, honey.
Okay.
Okay. You want to know why Ross canceled the date?
Because I asked him to.
You asked him to?
-Why? -Because you are my sister...
and Ross and I have this huge history.
-You want to go out with Ross? -No.
You don't want him, but you don't want me to have him?
You know, Bob in Human Resources...
I can't believe you did this! You had me doubting how smart I was!
You had me doubting my fashion sense!
It's not that big a deal. Just don't date Ross. There's other..
You have no right to tell me what to do.
I'm not telling you what to do. I am telling you what not to do!
Why are you so jealous of me?
This is not about me being jealous.
It's about you being a brat, wanting what you can't have.
Can't have?
Excuse me. The only thing I can't have is dairy!
Well, you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
-Who? -With Human Resources!
Jealous of her? Who does she think she is, Princess Caroline?
-You're jealous of Princess Caroline? -Do I have my own castle?
Hey.
-Phoebe's not here, is she? -No.
Did you get a movie?
Yeah. Yeah.
But I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like.
Not more movies that'll have us reaching for the tissues all night?
Sort of.
What's going on?
Phoebe's a porn star!
-What? -Yeah!
What are you talking about?
"Phoebe Buffay in Buffay The Vampire Layer."
That's Phoebe. Where did you get that?
At the adult video place on Bleecker.
And I saw Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him...
to surprise him.
Then I pretended that I didn't know he was in there.
Wow. I mean, I just can't believe this.
I mean, you think you know someone.
Even Phoebe, who's always been somewhat of a question mark.
This is so bizarre.
I guess it makes sense. She had such a terrible childhood.
I had a bad childhood and I don't do porn.
Yes, but you're dead inside.
I'd better take that back.
What, why? Why?
We can't watch it. It's Phoebe.
We shouldn't watch this.
Absolutely not. That goes back.
-Maybe a bit. -The first half?
This is wrong, you guys! Phoebe's our friend!
-I'm not gonna watch it. -Yeah!
Good for you, Joe.
I thought I'd find you here, Nosferatool.
Are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Actually, I was kind of hoping it would be the other way around.
What's that on her ankle?
Her ankle is what you're watching?
Well, it's hard to tell.
God, if she would just stop moving.
She's just doing her job.
You sick bastards!
It's a tattoo.
That's weird. Phoebe doesn't..
Wait, that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe! That is Ursula!
Wait, wait! I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Hey.
What's up? Oh, my God! What am I doing?!
Hey, sweetie.
"Chicken Soup for the Soul"?
There's no back to this couch.
You hate this kind of stuff.
I figured I'd give it a shot.
One of the stories may make me cry, then you won't think I'm dead inside.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I don't care if you can't cry. I love you.
Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Stop it.
Seriously. We get married, I'm up at the altar and I'm like this:
I won't care.
I know that you'll be feeling it all in here.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
And if we have a baby one day...
and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room...
and you don't cry, so what?
If we take him to college and come home...
and we see his empty room for the first time...
and you got nothing?
It won't matter to me.
Okay.
I won't worry about this anymore then.
And then, you know, if I die...
from a long illness...
and you're writing my eulogy...
and you open the desk drawer and find a note from me that says:
"I will always be with you"...
and you still can't shed one tiny tear?
I know you'll be crying a river inside.
-I love you. -What is wrong with you?!
-What? -What?
You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?
I left you a note from the beyond!
-So you didn't mean any of that? -No, you robot!
You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time and I swear..
Oh, Jill!
That's a game I play with the kids down the hall.
They've really taken a liking to me.
What's the matter?
Rachel and I had a big fight. Can I come in?
I know we're not supposed to see each other anymore.
I don't know anybody in this city and I need somebody to talk to.
Sure. What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
-You know what might cheer me up? -What?
Seeing some more of your super cool slides.
-Wow, really? -Totally. I loved them.
You could finish telling me about the different kinds of sand.
I'd love to. Wait right here, I'll go get the projector and my notes.
Thanks. You're such a good friend.
Have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her.
-No. -Is Ross home?
Maybe I'll call him and see if he's seen her..
Who is it?
It's Phoebe...
"Phoebe"!
-Hey! -Oh, God!
So you're making porn movies.
No, I'm not.
We're still rolling!
You're making one right now!
Let's go, Phoebe.
And you're using my name.
Can I help you with something?
Phoebe, come on!
Look, I'm talking right now. You mean her. Oh.
You know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
What?
I could talk them into giving you...
thirty dollars.
No! No way! No!
And stop using my name! And shame on you!
And shame on all of you! You're disgusting!
Especially you, with that!
The slides are almost ready.
Yeah.
I know what this is missing:
Alcohol.
There's wine in the kitchen.
Oh, great.
What is my sister doing there, and why are the drapes shut?
Okay. Rach, calm down, okay?
She's really upset. We're just talking.
She's making something happen with you to get back at me.
That's the only reason she could be here, huh?
It couldn't be that maybe I'm a good listener...
and I put on a great slide show?
Ross, I am telling you, she is using you to get back at me.
I think I can take care of myself. I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.
That was your sister, actually.
She thinks you're just using me.
So?
-Hey. -Hey.
I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Oh, no, not you too?
I went to get Phoebe Buffay's checks. There were a lot of them.
Nice!
And I won't have to go back there anymore...
because I gave them my "correct address."
Isn't it gonna bother you that people think you're a porn star?
Oh, no, I know how to handle it.
-Good. -Yeah.
Trying to figure out how you know me?
I'll give you a hint. From porn!
Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!
-See? -Yeah.
Hey.
You may have been right about Jill.
I knew it! What happened?
She kissed me.
What? You kissed?
Maybe we should give them some privacy...
Look, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Doesn't sound like it. It's easy not to kiss someone.
You just don't. Look at us right now, not kissing!
Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me...
and I didn't stop it.
I guess I just wasn't thinking.
Yeah. Let me give you something to think about.
Hold on! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth to tell me that.
I realized if anything happened with me and Jill...
then nothing could ever happen with us.
-What? -No, I mean...
I don't know if anything is ever going to happen with us...
again, ever.
But I don't want to know that it never could.
So I stopped it...
and she got mad and broke my projector.
Wow.
I don't even know what to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
My God, are you crying?
I just don't see why those two can't work things out!
All right, I'm leaving.
I'm not spending one more day with someone who's out to sabotage me.
That's you, Rachel.
Yeah, I got that.
And you! I throw myself at you...
and you say no? How gay are you?
You take care, Jill.
Okay, I'm leaving. Don't worry about me, I'll make it on my own.
Who knows how I'll get by, or even if I'll survive.
You can stop that now, I know you made up with Daddy.
-You do? How? -Oh, just a wild guess...
and your limo just pulled up.
-Sorry I didn't get to know you guys better. -Absolute shame.
-Okay, see you. -Bye-bye.
I can't believe Jill's gone.
I can't help it, I opened a gate!