Listen....
You think I have a chance with Janine?
We've been through this.
Don't do this to yourself.
She made it clear it isn't going to happen.
All right, then. I guess I shouldn't get too excited...
that I just kissed her!
-Are you serious? -That's great!
Yeah, well, we'll see.
You kissed her?
We kissed it up real nice.
So you ended up with Janine.
Well, congratulations, you won fair and square.
Yeah, it was real neck and neck there for awhile.
So you kissed. Then what happened?
I came over here to tell you guys.
So she's waiting over there for you?
Yeah.
The One With The Apothecary Table
-I gotta go. -Okay.
I'm gonna be late for dance class.
Okay.
-Okay, now I'm really leaving. -All right.
But can you just...
just leave your lips?
Have you kissed her yet?
It's awesome!
I could do it forever.
You know what? She kisses better than my mom cooks.
I'm so glad you said, "cooks."
Look, it's like imagine your best kiss ever.
Right? Okay, now multiply that by, like, 10.
Wait a second, you dated Ross.
And you date Chandler. Okay, multiply it by, like, 50.
Rachel, you've got to tell the post office that you've moved.
We still get your bills and stuff.
Pottery Barn! You can throw the rest away.
I'm not your garbage man.
I'm your mailman.
Monica, look.
Here is that table that I ordered.
-You got it from Pottery Barn? -Yeah. It's an apothecary table.
Does anyone even know what an apothecary is?
A pharmacist.
"A pharmacist."
Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.
I hate Pottery Barn too.
They kicked me out just because I sat on a bed.
You took off your pants and got under the sheets.
I was tired.
Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?
She hates mass-produced stuff.
She thinks her furniture should have a story behind it.
This has a story behind it.
They had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store.
It's got to be one-of-a-kind.
Like that God-awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Hey! I made that for her.
-You made pottery? -Yeah.
I made it out of a fruit bowl I found in the garbage.
If you put that in her apartment, you'll never hear the end of it.
I'll tell her that it's an antique.
She doesn't have to know where it came from.
I love these little drawers.
Oh, look! It says that it holds 300 CDs.
Just like the apothecary tables of yore.
Your what?
-What? -What?
Enjoy the catalog, sweetheart.
So the farmer says:
"That's not a cow, and you're not milking."
I'm so glad you're together.
We wanted a couple to go out with, and now we have one.
We're a couple of couples.
I had so much fun tonight. What a great restaurant!
And, Chandler, I can't believe I let you pay for this one.
Thanks again, man.
If you come over tomorrow, I'll make pasta.
-That'd be great! -Okay.
But at least let us bring the wine.
-You don't have to. -I insist.
-You'll get the wine, right? -Yeah.
-Okay, good night. -See you tomorrow.
Can't wait.
How are we going to get out of that one?
I can't handle two nights in a row with them.
What's wrong with them?
They're just a little...
blah!
Blah?
Well, you know, he's blah. She's just...
She's very loud for such a small person.
They're my best friends.
Are you saying we can't go out? Because that'd be a problem.
Of course we can still hang out with them.
Just not two nights in a row.
-Okay? -I guess.
Thank you.
I'll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents.
What a great table! Where did you get it?
Guess.
A flea market?
I knew you would get it on the first guess.
Isn't it cool? It's an apothecary table.
You can just imagine that this is where...
they kept all their stuff to make potions.
You can almost smell the opium.
Almost.
How much was it?
Just only 500 bucks.
Five hundred bucks at a flea market?
I thought you meant how much was it...
when it was new, back then.
It was at a flea market, so it was like a dollar.
-A dollar? -And 50?
So it was like one and 50 dollars.
-They gave you the old-time pricing. -Yeah.
Well, what period is it from?
It's from yore.
Like the "days of yore," you know?
Yes, I do.
-It's just perfect. -Oh, good.
I bet it has a great story too.
Did they tell you where it's from or...?
Yes, that I know. This is from White Plains.
White Plains.
It sounds like such a magical place.
-I'm here. -Hi!
Oh, my God!
-You like it? -Oh, my God!
It's my new apothecary table!
Phoebe will be here any second. She can't see this.
Why not? She'll love it. It's the real thing.
I got it at Pottery Barn.
I know. I bought the same one.
And if she sees your table, she'll know I lied.
-I said ours was an original. -Why?
Because she hates Pottery Barn.
She hates Pottery Barn?
She says it's all mass-produced...
nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff.
So come on! Can we cover this up, please?
I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe.
Although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets.
I forgot they made sheets!
I still can't believe she hates Pottery Barn.
It's not like she hates you.
Yeah, but Pottery Barn?
You know what I think? She's just weird.
It's because she's a twin. Twins are weird.
She's not weird. She likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.
You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin!
Let's turn out the lights and watch the movie.
-Hey, cool sheet! -You like it?
-You want to know where I got it? -Sure.
At a flea market.
You buy your sheets at a flea market?
Come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.
Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes.
Here is the wine to bring over tonight.
You were also gonna buy Monica flowers...
but you couldn't, because you paid for dinner last night.
Thanks. But it's just gonna be me tonight.
-What happened to Janine? -She's really sick.
-That's too bad. -Yeah, she's been in there all day.
High fever, nose problem. It's...
phlegm, phlegm, phlegm, phlegm, phlegm.
Monica! Chandler!
I'm sorry about tonight. I don't know if Joey told you...
but I couldn't get out of going to this play.
Have a great time, huh?
That's funny, I saw no phlegm.
Oh, no, she really is sick.
Then why is she going to a play?
Well, you know, "Starve a fever...
go to a play for a cold."
Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?
She didn't want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row.
I'm so sorry.
Why doesn't she want to hang out with us?
Because she thinks that you are blah.
And that you, Monica, are too loud.
What?!
What?
So she just pretended to have a good time?
She was lying to our faces?
I can't believe this. Who is she to judge us?
-We couldn't have been nicer to her. -And I am not blah. I am a hoot!
Come on, please, you guys. Don't be mad.
I'm sure she said it...
because she was nervous because you're my best friends.
And it was our first date.
Plus, she's really sick.
You said you made that up!
But isn't the sick thing better than the play thing?
They're both good. I generally just go with, "Monica's drunk again."
Come on, please just give her another chance.
-She'll come around, I promise. -Of course we will.
-Come on, we gotta make dinner. -Okay.
I do not like that woman!
I can hear you!
I am loud!
Can you please not put your feet up on my new..?
Old sheet.
Oh, sure.
My apothecary table!
-What? -No!
-Where did you get this? -At Pottery Barn, okay?
Oh, my God!
Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique!
If they've ripped off our table...
ours must be worth much more than one and 50 dollars.
This doesn't even smell like opium.
It smells like wine, which you spilled.
And thanks for wrecking my sheet.
Ross, calm down. I'll give you the 80 cents.
Okay, one more time.
Would you like some orange juice?
-Perfect decibel. -I know!
What are you guys doing?
Nothing. We're just talking. You know, blah-blah-blah.
Come on, you said you were gonna try.
I came over to invite you to a movie with me and Janine.
-What do you say? -I'd like to...
but I'm not sure if we have the time.
Very funny. I don't know what to do.
I really want you to get along.
Please come to the movie with us. You owe me.
-We owe you? -That's right.
I helped you out in the start of your relationship.
I helped you sneak around for six months.
I looked like an idiot.
And I was humiliated.
And I only made $200.
We didn't give you any money.
You don't think I know that?
I can't decide if it goes better by the new chair...
the Sahara desk...
or the Parker console table.
I didn't know there was a Pottery Barn up here.
-I know, I went a little crazy. -A little?
Your place looks like page 72 of the catalog.
Look at that!
The ornamental birdcage! Large.
Oh, Ross? Be careful. That is very old.
Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that.
Fascinating.
Another amazing find!
-I bet this has a great story too. -It does.
It is a room-separating apparatus from Colonial times.
A lot of this stuff is from the Colonial times.
What are some other time periods, Rachel?
Well, there's yore.
And, you know, yesteryear.
Rachel has such a good eye for this stuff.
Ross, if you ever decide to redecorate...
and I think you should...
you should ask Rachel to help.
He doesn't need my help.
I think he's ready to get rid of the.. What'd you call it?
The "cheap knockoffs and dinosaur junk"?
Really?
You know, since you have such a great sense of what I need..
Here's 60 bucks.
Why don't you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market...
and get me some stuff.
I don't think Phoebe wants to come.
-I do want to. -She does want to.
-Yeah!
-I'm gonna get my purse. -Okay.
Hey, can I have all this stuff when she makes you throw it out?
Well, sure, and I'll show you right where you can put it.
I guess the flea market was just better last time.
Well, at least I got these sheets for Ross.
Look at this. Pottery Barn.
You know what? Don't look at it.
-Seriously, don't look at it. -Look!
There's the table they stole from us.
Oh, those bastards! Let's go.
That fan kind of looks like ours and the birdcage and...
Wait a second, this is our exact living room!
No, it's not.
Come on, ours is totally different.
I mean, we don't have the.. We don't have that lamp.
And that screen is on the other side.
Oh, my God. This is where you got all our stuff.
Pottery Barn! Oh, my God!
Okay, I did, all right? I'm sorry.
I wanted this stuff, and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn.
-Come on, don't be mad. -No, but I am mad.
Because this stuff is what's wrong with the world...
and it's in my living room...
and all I can think about is how I don't have that lamp!
Well, then, honey, buy the lamp.
We have that 60 bucks from Ross.
I can't! I can't!
Unless...
Are you saying you'd move out if I didn't buy that lamp?
No, I'm not gonna move out!
But are you saying that you would move out if I didn't buy that lamp?
-Yes! I would so move out. -Then I don't have a choice.
-I have to buy that lamp! -That's right.
But at least the apothecary table's real.
This was great. Didn't everybody have a great time?
I did. I really did, and I've got to say...
I'm sorry if I was weird after the last time we went out.
I guess I was just nervous.
-That's understandable. -Don't worry about it.
So we can go out again?
-Absolutely. -Well, good.
See?
Wasn't that fun?
We have got to move.
What?
I knew it!
You're not so quiet yourself, missy!
I'm blah? The only thing more boring than modern dance...
is you talking about it.
"Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in the movement."
You know, I know you're talking...
but all I hear is, "Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah."
All right, you and me! Let's go right now!
All right, enough!
Enough! You two, go home. I gotta talk to Janine.
I really think you could take her.
You better hope I don't see you in the hallway!
All right.
Look, we got a little bit of a problem here.
You can't my treat my friends that way.
-They said stuff to me too. -I know, I'll talk to them about it.
They mean so much to me.
They're like my family, you know?
If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time....
I don't think we can be together. It just can't work, okay?
It can't.
I'm very upset.
Okay.
Would it help if I apologized?
Yeah.
That'd be very helpful.
What did I tell you about the hall?
I was coming over to apologize for my behavior.
I'd really like it if we could be friends.
Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so...
I would like that too.
-Great. -Now, come on.
-I'm glad we worked it out. -Me too.
-I'll see you. -Bye.
-Or I'll hear you. -That's it, big girl!
Wait!
You'd better run!
Did you hear that?
-What am I gonna do? -I'm sorry, man.
-Want to go watch? -Yeah!
You know, I'm not sure you could have taken Janine.
I could have taken her.
-She's much bigger than you. -Are you kidding me?
I know what to do with tall girls. You go for their knees.
-How you doing? -So did she move out?
Pretty much.
I can't believe you just broke up with her.
When it's not right, you know it.
-You okay? -I'll be all right.
-You know what would cheer you up? -What?
I'm giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night.
I think you should come.
You're right, that did cheer me up.