I cannot believe that you didn't tell me we are still married!
Look, I was going to tell you.
When? After the birth of our first secret child?
Ross didn't get the annulment. We are still married!
-You're kidding. -Oh, my God!
It wasn't my best decision, but I couldn't face another failed marriage.
At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
Rach, come on. If you think about it, it's actually kind of funny.
Maybe it's best not to think about it.
This is inexcusable. I'm shocked to my very core.
Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Another lie. You have a sickness!
For my own peace of mind, are you married to any more of us?
Look, Rach, I was going to tell you.
I just wanted to do it in my own way.
Yes, silently, with no words.
Look, in Ross' defense, okay....
The One With Joey's Porsche
Someone left their keys.
To a Porsche.
-Are these yours? -Yeah. That's what I drive.
I make 4 bucks an hour. I saved up for 350 years.
Did anybody lose their keys?
Put them in the lost and found.
There's a lost and found?
My shoe!
You left a shoe here?
I didn't realize till I got home. I wasn't gonna walk back with one shoe.
I'll go find that guy's car and leave a note on the windshield.
When he comes back for his keys, I'll give him your shoe.
Great. Thanks.
Oh, good. You guys are here. Listen.
How would you like to spend tomorrow taking care of three cute puppies?
My God! What a fun day! Sounds great!
Yeah, all right.
I'll bring them by tomorrow morning.
By the way, they're not actually puppies.
They're Frank and Alice's triplets. See you.
What?
Please, please, please? Frank and Alice...
asked me to baby-sit them. I'm nervous. I've never done that.
Don't worry. We'll do it.
I'm gonna pass, because I was kind of iffy when it was puppies.
Come on, Chandler. It'll give us great practice for when...
people with babies come to visit.
So I still have boxes here.
I still have boxes at Ross'.
And I have nowhere to live.
I could so easily freak out right now.
What about me? Denise is leaving town for a while. I don't have a roommate.
Well, maybe I could be your roommate, Phoebe.
Maybe you could be my roommate!
Well, there's an idea!
That would be great!
-How long is Denise gone for? -She said she'd be back December 26th.
December 26th.
Maybe she's Santa Claus.
Oh, look who it is. My husband, the apple of my eye.
Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2...
and I picked up all the forms.
I'll take care of it.
Sure, if you say you'll take care of it, I have no reason to doubt you.
Give me those forms.
I'm gonna do this my way and I don't wanna hear a peep out of you.
-Okay, Rach, but.. -You're peeping!
Ross, I just got..
-Why did you do this? -I told you..
I don't wanna hear "three failed marriages."
If you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand.
Thanks to you, I'm halfway there.
Oh, I am so mad, Ross! I don't think I've ever been this angry!
What about when I said we were on a break?
-Nice car. -Yeah, it's not mine.
-I love your car. -Yeah, it's mine.
-I bet it's fast. -Me too. Yeah.
And comfortable.
-You like leather seats? -Yeah.
It's got them!
Phoebe, how's it going?
I'm okay. Are they having fun? Am I talking too fast?
No. You sound like me.
It's going great. Look at Chandler with Little Baby Girl Chandler.
Little Baby Girl Chandler. Where have I heard that before? Oh, Coach Rubin.
Phoebe, when you're done over there, we've got a situation over here too.
No. We are all responsible for our own babies.
That's where you're wrong. We've been playing them man-to-man.
We should really be playing a zone defense.
What do you mean?
Things'll go smoother if we each have a zone. Phoebe, be in charge of wiping.
Mon, be in charge of diapering.
I'll be in charge of looking at how cute they are when they put their hands...
Sounds great, but you should be in charge of wiping.
Okay, I'm a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
This is so great. This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Yeah? Well, this is not what I ordered.
Hey, guys.
Hey, babies.
I'm having the best morning.
That Porsche I've got the keys to? Still there.
Shocking, since you still have the keys.
You should see the treatment I get with that car.
People are friendly. They wanna talk. And not just about the car.
One guy advised me on my equity investments.
What equity investments?
The ones that got me the Porsche. Will you keep up?
If people see me just standing there, they're gonna think I don't own it.
So I figure I'll wash it. Monica, you got a bucket and soap?
Oh, yeah. I got soap and sponges and rags...
and carnauba wax and polishing compound.
You don't even have a car.
I know. Once there was a dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
-And? -And six others.
There you are.
Yeah, she tops out at 130.
That's just in the city. I get her up to 160 upstate.
Really? You got a place upstate?
Sure.
-All right. See you later. -Okay. Take it easy.
Hey. That's my car.
Really?
Just give me five more minutes.
What are you doing?
I found the keys and now I'm just polishing her up.
-But it's my car. -Yeah, but it's my wax.
Listen, I don't come to the city much.
I don't know if you're crazy or if this is some street theater...
but could I have my keys?
Sure. Yeah. I'll save your parking spot.
I'm not coming back.
-Why not? -I live upstate.
Yeah, so did I.
I don't know why I was so nervous...
and why Frank and Alice complain. This is easy.
Yeah, two hours, a lifetime, that's the same.
Check it out! When the babies wake up...
they can meet Krog!
That thing could put someone's eye out.
He can do more than that. He can destroy the universe.
They could swallow one of those little parts.
Also, look at his smooth area. That's just gonna mess them up.
It's just not an appropriate toy for 1-year-olds. Or 30-year-olds.
They won't swallow anything. You're too overprotective.
When I was a kid, my mom used to throw me into a pile of broken glass.
-What? -Glass, sand, whatever.
Look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
Oh, it's so cute.
I wonder when you stop putting both legs behind your head.
I can still do that.
How are you still single?
I thought about it and maybe you're right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
-What made you change your mind? -I swallowed his sonic blaster gun.
How did that happen?
I was trying to prove that I was right.
And it turns out I was wrong...
and now it's lodged in my throat.
This whole time we were concentrating on the babies...
and no one was watching Chandler!
You are asking the court for an annulment?
Yes, Your Honor. Here are our forms, all filled out.
So based on your petition...
you are seeking an annulment on the grounds...
that "Mr. Geller is mentally unstable."
Fine. I'm mentally unstable.
And based on the fact that "Mr. Geller is an intravenous drug user."
-What? -Yes. Heroin and crack.
Crack isn't even an intravenous drug.
Well, you would know.
Now, it also says here that you...
"lied about your sexual preference before marriage."
Oh, come on.
Ross, please. I found the magazines.
And finally, that you were "unable to consummate the marriage."
Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.
You know, I'm sorry, this is insane.
I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay and there is no problem...
with my ability to consummate anything.
I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now!
That won't be necessary.
And when we were dating, we consummated like bunnies.
If you were involved in a serious relationship, that creates a problem.
Rest assured, that relationship ended two years ago.
Strike "consummated like bunnies" from the record.
Is there anything in this record that is actually true?
Well, yes. We got married in Vegas.
And the names, I think.
That's not the way the legal system works.
This process is based on an objective review of the facts, not of the lies.
Objection!
-It doesn't work like that either. -Overruled.
Oh, stop it.
Based on what I've heard, you certainly don't qualify for an annulment.
If you don't wanna be together, file for divorce.
That's great. You happy? Look what you did with your funny, funny form.
What? Me? What about you and your "consummated like bunnies" nonsense?
What are you typing that for? She said we don't get the annulment.
Don't type that. What..
Stop typing!
"Stop typing, stop typing!"
Okay, do you see what you're keeping me married to?
Get out of my chambers.
Lady, here's the deal.
I came here for an annulment and I'm not leaving here until I get one!
-Would you like a night in jail? -Thank you for your time.
That Porsche guy took his car back.
But you found the keys to his clothes?
No, I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
They'll think you own one because of the clothes?
Of course.
Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car.
That is true.
Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Oh, I've been there.
I am gonna go drive my Porsche.
You know you don't actually have one.
What are you doing? I'm in character. Will you talk to her?
I think it just moved. It's poking me.
We'll go to the emergency room.
No, you can't leave me here with them. We're babysitting.
The babies are asleep. You'll be okay on your own.
You can't leave me with them. We're a team.
We're playing a zone. They'll triple-team me!
He's got plastic in his throat. We gotta go to the hospital.
But a doctor won't be able to help him. And it's just gonna...
naturally pass through his system in seven years.
-I think that's gum. -I'm pretty sure it's gun.
This really hurts. Let's go.
But no! A real man wouldn't just run to the hospital.
No! What would Krog do?
Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
Maybe because you've got the keys?
-That was totally your fault. -My fault? You threatened the judge.
You ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine!
That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
Hi. How are the Gellers?
Don't call us that.
The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment. Now we gotta get a divorce!
Did a Porsche throw up on you?
It's "Porsche-a"!
Me taking care of you is no problem, huh?
You guys feel safe, right?
I'm gonna take that spit bubble as a "Yeah, I do!"
Let's get rid of this dirty diaper. I'll set you up with a clean one.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up.
Because, let's face it, we're at Monica's.
I broke it. All right. Well, that's just the way things go.
Okay. Good.
Why are there only two of you?
Where's Leslie?
Well, you can't answer. Leslie? Where are you, Leslie?
Now would be a good time for your first words.
Well, look at you!
You are a little bit mischievous. My gosh!
Oh, you're a lot mischievous.
Well, it'll dry.
You sit with your brother and sister now...
who aren't there.
How do you feel?
Let's just say Krog will be equipped to destroy the universe again...
in 12 to 14 hours.
I totally took care of the babies all by myself.
I fed them, bathed them and put them to bed.
And protected them from a tornado?
Oh, my God!
I know. The babies are asleep.
Phoebe, what happened here?
I did it. I took care of the babies all by myself.
-But my apartment! -Was the setting of Phoebe's triumph.
But the mess!
Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies.
You're right. I shouldn't freak out.
This is what it'll be like when we have babies. When's that?
Phoebe, look at this mess!
Oh, honey. Thank God you're home. I was getting worried.
I picked up the divorce papers.
I've already signed everything. I put little X's where you need to sign.
Little X's. Great! That makes up for everything.
You know, you've done a lot of stupid stuff too, okay?
Name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one.
How about you flew to London to stop my wedding?
You told me you loved me after I was married.
Wait, that was different. I did those things because I was in love with you.
Right.
You're right. That's very different.
So let's just sign the papers.
What?
Nothing.
Okay, can we just sign, please?
Congratulations.
Okay, wait, Ross. Wait a minute.
I kind of have a little confession.
What?
Well, you know, this whole marriage thing.
Kind of my idea.
Excuse me?
Remember how we were too drunk to remember anything when we were married?
I didn't really wanna say anything, but it just kept coming back to me.
We were in the casino and you thought it'd be funny to eat a lot of grapes.
And I thought it would be funnier if we got married.
So as a compromise we decided first to get married and then...
to eat a lot of grapes.
Sorry I got us into this whole thing.
So then if you think about it...
this is all your fault.
Yeah, don't push it, though.
I gotta say...
I know I divorce a lot of women.
Never thought I'd be divorcing you.
I know.
I always thought if we got married, that'd be the one that stuck.
And it wouldn't be a secret...
and we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut.
Did I even treat?
No, it was on the house. It was a newlywed special.
That may be the most depressing thing I've heard.
I should get these to my lawyer's office.
Thanks for taking care of all this.
No problem.
-I'm gonna need a copy of those. -Totally.
Careful around my Porsche!
Hi, Joey.
Hey. How you doing?
He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
I'd show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping.
Would you like to go for a drink?