Wow. That ripped.
That ripped real nice!
How many times do I have to tell you? You turn and slide.
Turn and slide.
You don't turn and slide.
You throw it out!
I get tetanus shots every time I get dressed!
We're not throwing it out. I built it with my own hands!
How about we sell it?
All right.
But you'll have to tell them.
Can we stick you in another cabinet? They seem all right with it!
The One with the Cat
Hey, why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
Why?
Because you have doody on your head.
Yeah, it was funnier when Ben told it.
Hey, Monica. It's Chip.
Who's Chip?
It was good running into you today.
My number is 555-9323. Give me a call.
"Chip" is Chip Matthews.
The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why's he calling you?
Because I ran into him at the bank. He is still so cute.
You're so lucky! He's like the most popular guy in school!
I know!
Chip? Hi, it's Monica.
Oh, my God! We just had the best conversation!
I was just leaving.
Good.
I've got a report to read.
It's eight pages. I hope I don't fall asleep.
Why? Did you write it?
Look at that!
Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants.
Well, actually....
I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy.
Why don't you give him a call?
-Are you sure you want to hear this? -I'm sure.
Chip! Hi, it's Rachel.
Rachel Greene.
You left me a message?
Yes, you did. My roommate wrote it down.
Monica Geller?
Oh, that's right!
He called to ask out Monica.
That's got to be embarrassing.
Dumb drunken bitch
Thank you!
Here's a question.
Where'd you get the "finest oak east of the Mississippi"?
First tell us where you got the prettiest lace in the land.
It's your ad.
Looks good?
"Stunning entertainment center, fine
Fine ltalian craftsmanship."
You're selling the entertainment center?
Why? I love it.
-You want it? -No.
Gepetto?
Five thousand dollars?
Are you insane?
The ad alone cost $300.
I'm changing it to $50 or your best offer.
What kind of profit is that? And you call yourself an accountant?
What do you do?
I can't believe you don't know.
I actually don't know.
Oh, my God, no! Shoo, kitty!
There's a kitty in my guitar case.
Everyone's gonna want one.
Come on, you!
Crazy!
-Oh, my God! -What?
Nothing.
What's wrong?
I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my mother.
The mom you met in Montauk? She was a cat?
That makes the fact that she owns beach-front property all the more impressive.
No. She was a human lady.
This is the spirit of my mom, Lilly. The one that killed herself.
Have you been taking your grandmother's glaucoma medicine again?
No, Dr. Skeptismo.
I'm sure. First of all, there's the feeling.
And for another, she went into my guitar case...
...which is lined with orange felt.
My mother's favorite fish was orange roughy.
Cats like fish.
You had me with orange felt.
Hi, Mommy!
I haven't seen this smile in 17 years.
-Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of -Let it go!
When were you going to tell me that you're dating Chip?
Now?
Can I go out with him?
No. I can't believe you'd want to after what he did to me.
That thing at the prom?
I couldn't find him for hours! He was having sex with Amy Welsh!
That was in high school. How can it still bother you?
Oh, yeah, you're right, Moni-cow.
Okay, I hear you.
Why do you have to go out with Chip?
We went to different schools.
We went to the same school.
You went to one where you were popular.
You rode on Chip's motorcycle and wore his letterman jacket.
I went to one where I wore a band uniform that was specially made.
They had that specially made?
It was a Home Ec project.
Oh, my God! They said it was for the mascot.
Back then I thought that I'd never get to go out with a Chip Matthews.
Now he's called me up and asked me out.
The fat girl inside me really wants to go. I owe her this.
I never let her eat.
-You go out with him. -Really?
If possible, could you leave him and have sex with another guy?
I'll try.
Any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
There were a couple calls, but they won't work out.
Joey has a very careful screening process.
Not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.
Stop it!
She keeps trying to get away. Just like when she was alive.
How long is your mom going to be with us?
I'm not sure.
I guess until she gets used to the fact that there's...
...a new mom.
Now she's worried that she'll be replaced.
That's not going to happen, is it?
I have to go make a call.
Why not use this phone?
I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H.
I just spelled the wrong word.
Anyway, I don't want to do it in front of someone with a tail.
Hey, you swore you would never tell.
So am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone else of a cat?
Ross, don't start.
You actually believe there's a woman inside that cat?
I believe it.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you
You know what?
You won't suck me into this.
Sure I will. Because you always have to be right.
I do not always have Okay, okay.
Jurassic Park could happen.
And you know what? Actually, I do think Kirk was smarter than Spock.
You were kidding about the Kirk-Spock-thing, though, right?
That's pretty nice.
"Pretty nice"?
Pardon my roommate. He wanted to marry this.
We don't have $50. But would you trade for it?
We got a canoe.
I don't think we need a canoe.
You got to take it.
Just take the entertainment center.
Then when you get home, throw the canoe away.
We're not throwing it away. I built it.
Good for you!
You won't believe what I found on a telephone pole.
Look familiar?
Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name "Julio."
Wait a minute. This is not the same cat. This cat's only this big.
A little girl's looking for this cat. Know what that means?
Yeah! $200 reward split five ways!
Do we have to tell her?
-Yes, we do. -But it's made her so happy.
Little girl misses her cat.
Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat.
I have to go have dinner with my son.
Can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her?
Thank you.
I hate when Ross is right.
He is right, isn't he?
This might be one time when he's wrong.
-You think? -Oh, no. He's right.
About your mom.
How's that going?
So great. We took a nap together today.
Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.
That's so sweet.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
What'd you say, Joe? I'll be right there.
I just feel so....
-All right! -I'm coming already!
Not yet, not yet, not yet!
-Hello, Chip. -How you doing?
I'm great!
Got a great job. I have wonderful friends.
Though I'm not seeing anyone now, I've never felt better about myself.
So, Monica ready yet?
She'll be out in a second.
So, Chip, how's Amy Welsh?
Amy Welsh? I haven't seen her since
So, Monica about ready?
-Wow, you look great. -Thanks.
-Well, you guys have fun. -Catch you later.
Bye, Chip.
-Are you sure you're okay about this? -Actually
Okay, great.
This is the unit for you.
Sturdy construction, tons of storage.
Some big enough to fit a grown man.
-What? -Yeah, I got in there myself once.
My roommate bet me $5 I couldn't.
Then he stuck a board through the handles and locked me in.
It was funny till I felt like it was a coffin.
No, you can't fit in there. It's not deep enough.
Oh, yeah?
If I can't...
...I'll knock $5 off the price.
All right, you have yourself a deal.
See? I told you.
Sometimes I come in here just to get away from it.
Hey, a nickel!
Here we are.
You still have the Chipper!
The what?
That's what we called your motorcycle in high school.
A motorcycle's a chopper.
And you're Chip.
Never mind.
I think it's cute.
A lipper from Chipper.
Are you still in touch with anyone?
There's Rachel...
...and that's it. How about you?
I still hang with Simens and Zana. I see Spindler, Levine, Kelly.
I run into Goldie...
...Stick, Brown, Sulkov, McGuire...
...J.T., Beardsley.
Is that all?
After high school, you kind of lose touch.
I ran into Richard Dorfman.
-How is he? -Me and Simens gave him a wedgie.
Isn't he an architect?
They still wear underwear.
Oh, my God!
What?
Are you all right?
What happened?
Oh, man, he promised he wouldn't take the chairs!
How were you locked in? Where the hell is all of our stuff?
This guy came by to look at the unit...
...and he said it won't fit a grown man.
So you got in voluntarily?
I was trying to make a sale!
If I ever run into him, you know what I'll do?
Bend over?
And then Zana just let one rip!
Not that I don't enjoy talking about high school...
...because I do.
Maybe we can talk about something else.
I don't know where you work.
-You know where I work. -I do?
The movie theater. You used to come in all the time.
Still at the Multiplex?
Like I'd give up that job!
Free popcorn and candy anytime I want?
I can get you posters.
Thanks, I'm set.
Oh, you know who came in the other night? Peters.
Told me he just went out with Leslie Maskin. Got to third base.
Do you still live with your parents?
Yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
You know, with all of our stuff gone, the unit doesn't seem that big.
Why couldn't he have been a kidnapper.
They really got you guys. Your TV, the chairs.
Your microwave, the stereo.
Man, he took the five of spades!
No, here it is.
Oh, my God! What happened?
Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!
So how was your date?
Well, I always wanted to go out with Chip in high school.
Tonight, I actually went out with Chip in high school.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Not only did I get to go out with Chip...
...I got to dump Chip.
-That's so great! -I know.
What did the insurance company say?
They said, "You don't have insurance. Stop calling us."
You didn't tell her?
Okay, fine.
Listen...
...this cat belongs to a little girl.
There are flyers all over the place.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
We can take her back with you if you want.
But, you know, she chose to find me.
I have to respect her decision, right?
-That's a good call. -That's right.
Enough is enough.
I'm sorry you feel guilty about spending time with your new mom.
But this isn't your old mom.
This is a cat.
Julio the cat.
Not Mom! Cat.
Ross, how many parents have you lost?
None.
Then you don't know how it feels when one of them comes back.
I believe this is my mother.
Even if I'm wrong, who cares?
Just be a friend, okay? Be supportive.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't know what to say.
You could say...
...you're sorry to her mom.
I think she would like that.
Come here. Here, come here.
Mrs. Buffay?
Sorry about what I said.
It was insensitive of me to say...
...that you were just a cat...
...when, clearly, you are also...
...the reincarnated spirit...
...of my friend's mother.
Thank you.
We both forgive you.
What will you do about the little girl?
Listen.
Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me.
You're welcome to come back anytime.
If she'd come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it.
Come on. I'll take you home.
-I'll go with you. -Me too.
I got an extra futon.
Dude, you don't have to brag. We got nothing here.
You know....
It's peaceful out here.