Phoebe found out about this lady...
...who knew her parents, and l don't know what happened.
l'm your mother.
Monica joked she wouldn't date Chandler.
I don't know what happened there either.
Ross' new girlfriend shows up.
Rachel gets Bonnie to shave her head. Then they kiss.
Now he has to choose Rachel or the bald girl.
l don't know what happened there either.
Hold on. Let me go get Chandler.
She's helping me. My head's sunburned.
-Thanks a million. -You're welcome a million.
Smell it.
Minty.
l'll be in our room.
Oh, my God!
l know.
l got to go.
l got to go break up with Bonnie.
Here? Now?
l can't stay here all night.
lf l go in there, she'll want to...
...do stuff.
Can't you say you aren't in the mood?
No, she likes that.
Faking sleep doesn't work.
l've woken up many times with her--
-Why am l telling you? -l don't know.
-Not every morning-- -Making it worse!
The One with the Jellyfish
You probably want to know how it happened.
l think l can figure it out.
l was born, and then everyone lied their asses off.
No, it wasn't like that.
Remember how l said Lilly, Frank and l were close?
We were very close.
How close?
The three of us were kind of a couple.
l don't know how that would work.
l'm not asking!
Anyhow, somehow l got pregnant...
...and l was...
...scared. l was stupid and selfish....
l was 1 8 years old. Remember what it was like to be 1 8?
Mom killed herself and my dad ran off.
l lived in a Gremlin with a guy who talked to his hand.
l'm sorry. l thought l'd left you with the best parents.
l didn't hear about them till a few years ago.
By then, you were already grown-up.
You're here and l would really like to get to know you.
Well, everybody does.
l'm a really cool person.
You had 29 years to find out, but you didn't even try.
You walked out on me, and l'll do the same.
l don't ever want to see you again.
Where's my purse?
Shoot! We're out of soda.
-l'll get you some. -Really?
No, because l'm not your boyfriend.
Hey, Pheebs, how'd it go?
My mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth mom.
l found a dried-up seahorse.
What do you mean?
My new mom, who's a big fat abandoner.
Don't you want to stay here and talk about it?
l need to be alone.
Man. Hey...
...what if you found out that your mom wasn't really your mom...
...and your new mom turned out to be really hot?
Oh, man, huh?
But, it's your mom.
No, l'm talking about your mom.
lt's over.
Was it awful?
lt was long.
l didn't realize how late it was...
...till l saw the five o'clock shadow on her head.
She didn't want to stay. l called a cab. She just left.
l wrote you a letter.
Oh, thank you!
l like mail.
lt's just some things l've been thinking about. About us.
Before we even think about us getting back together...
...l need to know how you feel about this stuff.
lt's 5:30 in the morning.
So l'd better get cracking on this baby.
l'll be waiting for you. Come up when you're done.
l'll be up...
...in 1 8 pages.
Front and back.
Very exciting!
What happened to you? Why didn't you come up?
Done.
-You just finished? -l wanted to be thorough.
This is clearly very important to you. To us.
l wanted to read every word carefully.
Twice.
Does it?
l'm sorry?
Does it?
Does it? Does it?
l wanted to give that whole ''Does it?'' part another glance.
What do you mean? You said you read it twice.
lt either does or doesn't. lf you have to think--
No, l don't have to think about it.
ln fact...
...l've decided. l have decided...
...that it...
...does.
-Are you sure? -Sure, l'm sure!
There's a nuclear holocaust. l'm the last man on earth.
Would you go out with me?
l've got canned goods.
Take a look at this!
Check this baby out! Dug me a hole.
Excellent hole, Joe.
Oh, no! My hole!
My foot!
What is it?
Jellyfish sting! lt hurts!
Can we help you to the house?
lt's two miles.
And l'm tired from digging.
Damn the jellyfish!
Damn all the jellyfish!
Do something.
There's only one thing.
What is it?
Pee on it.
Gross!
l saw it on Discovery Channel.
He's right. There's ammonia in that...
...that kills the pain.
Forget it. lt doesn't hurt that bad!
You can use my hole for privacy.
l'm ready to get the hell out of here.
Are you--?
That's so great!
Not for Bonnie.
But for you, yea!
-How was the beach? -Nothing. l don't know.
-What happened? -Nothing.
-l'm going to shower. -Me too.
Me too.
l'll put this in the car.
l have to go pack!
-And it really does? -lt does.
lt really and truly does.
lt so does not!
She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong.
She goes on for five pages about how l was unfaithful to her.
We were on a break!
lf you say that one more time, l'll break up with you.
This breakup was not all my fault. She says here...
... ''lf you accept full responsibility...
...l can begin to trust you again.
Does that seem like something you can do? Does it?''
You have what you want. You're back with her.
lf you bring this up now, you'll wreck it.
Yeah, l know. You're right.
l'll let it go.
But you know how hard it is to forget this?
Sure, it's hard...
...but you don't have to talk about it.
A lot happened on that trip...
...that we should never, ever talk about.
What happened on that beach?
lt's between us and the sea, Ross.
Hi, Ursula.
l know that we haven't talked in a long time.
Our mom is not our birth mom. This other lady is our birth mom.
Right, the one that lives in Montauk.
You know her?
No. l read about her in Mom's suicide note.
There was a suicide note? Do you still have it?
Hang on.
l can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note.
Yeah, so how have you been doing?
Shut up!
''Goodbye, Phoebe and Ursula. l'll miss you.
P.S. Your mom lives in Montauk.''
You just wrote this!
lt's pretty much the gist.
Except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
All right. Hang on.
Pass the cheese, please.
You can't even look at me, can you?
lt's Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!
l'm too depressed to talk.
l'll give you $ 1 000 to talk to us.
What about making that beach trip an annual thing?
What happened out there?
What? We took a walk. Nothing happened.
l came back with nothing all over me.
What happened? Joey?
All right.
We swore we'd never tell.
They'll never understand.
We have to get it out. lt's eating me alive!
-Monica got stung by a jellyfish. -All right!
l got stung.
Stung bad.
l couldn't stand.
l couldn't walk.
We were two miles from the house.
We were scared and alone.
We didn't think we could make it.
l was in too much pain.
And l was tired from digging.
Then Joey remembered something.
l'd seen it on Discovery Channel.
Wait, l saw that.
On the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish and how if you--
You peed on yourself?
You can't say that! You don't know!
l thought l would pass out.
l tried, but l couldn't...
...bend that way.
That's right. l stepped up.
She's my friend and she needed help.
lf l had to, l'd pee on any of you.
Only...
...l couldn't.
l got the stage fright.
l wanted to help, but there was too much pressure.
So l turned to Chandler.
Joey kept screaming at me, ''Do it now. Do it. Do it now!''
Sometimes, late at night, l can still hear the screaming.
Because l do it through my wall to freak you out.
Maybe there's somebody you guys could talk to.
Oh, who?
lt's not like they have a group for people like us.
Yeah, no, there's this guy Owen, he's the best.
Might have his card.
And fuchsia and mauve
Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom
l invite all of you to count the colors in your bedroom.
Except for you. You go away.
l'll go in a second.
l just want to tell you...
...there wasn't a day l didn't regret giving you up.
Okay, bye.
l'm not done.
The reason l never looked you up was because...
...l was afraid you'd react...
...just like the way you're reacting now.
Can't we just start from here? Please?
No.
Sorry.
One last thing.
You came looking for family.
l'm family.
l'm it.
Now l'm done.
lt's not like we're losing anything.
l guess you're right.
lt's not like we know each other or have anything in common.
l don't know. lt's not like...
...we don't have anything in common.
l mean, l like pizza.
l like pizza!
Wait, l like the Beatles.
Oh, my God! So do l.
Puppies. Cute or ugly?
So cute!
You see?
But l'm still mad at you.
l know.
l'm mad at me too.
Do you want to get something to eat? l'm kind of hungry.
Hey! Me too!
Uncanny.
lt looks like rain and l don't have my umbrella.
Me neither. l really hate that.
Stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out.
l missed you.
l missed you too.
l was so nervous about that letter.
But the way you owned up to everything...
...it just showed me how much you've grown.
l suppose.
You have, Ross. You should give yourself credit.
My mom never thought this would work out.
She said, ''Once a cheater, always a cheater.''
l just wish we hadn't lost those four months.
But if time was what you needed to gain a little perspective....
We were on a break!
-Coffeehouse? -You bet.
lt took two people to break up this relationship.
You and that girl, which yesterday you took full responsibility for.
l didn't know what l took responsibility for.
l didn't finish the letter.
l fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
lt was 5:30 in the morning.
And you had rambled on for 1 8 pages.
Front and back!
By the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ''you are.''
Y-O-U-R means ''your.''
l can't believe l thought of getting back with you! We are so over.
Fine by me!
Those spelling tips will be handy Saturday nights at home...
...playing Scrabble with Monica.
Sorry!
All that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!
Don't worry about me falling asleep.
l still have your letter!
Just so you know, it's not that common.
lt doesn't happen to every guy.
And it is a big deal!
l knew it!
Gin.
We were playing gin?
lf we were a couple, we could play naked.
-Would you stop? -Okay. All right.
All right.
l think you're great.
l think you're sweet and smart...
...and l love you.
But you'll always be the guy who peed on me.
[ENGLlSH]