So your first sexual experience was with a woman?
l was 1 5. lt was my best friend, Ruth.
And we got drunk on that hard cider.
And then suddenly, we were making out.
Tell it again.
Seriously.
ls that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Yeah, sure. Earlier she was talking about geography.
She was listing the countries she's done it in.
l think we all learned something.
Hey, you guys. Look what l found! Look at this.
That's my mom's writing. Look.
''Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1 965.''
-Do you know what that means? -That you're actually 50?
That's not me, Phoebe. That's her pal Phoebe.
According to her high-school yearbook, they were BFF.
-Best Friends Forever. -That's great!
l know! She probably has all kinds of stories about my parents.
And she might even know where my dad is.
l looked her up. She lives by the beach.
Maybe this weekend we can go to the beach.
Yeah, we can!
-Shoot, l can't go. l have to work. -That's too bad.
Big fat bummer.
So, great! Tomorrow we're gonna drive out to Montauk.
Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
The One At the Beach
Joey will be right down. He's looking for his mask.
-A swim mask? -No, his gorilla mask.
He wears it in the ocean to scare off the fish.
Would you look at them?
l'm never gonna find a boyfriend again.
l'm gonna die an old maid.
You're not gonna die an old maid.
Maybe an old spinster cook.
-Thanks. -Besides, worse comes to worse...
...l'll be your boyfriend.
Yeah, right.
Why is that so funny?
You made a joke, right?
So l laughed.
A little too hard.
What am l, not boyfriend material?
No. You're Chandler.
You know. Chandler!
Okay, so we've established my name and hit me.
But theoretically, say we weren't friends. Say it's a blind date.
l show up at your door, and l'm, like, ''Hey, nice to meet you.''
l'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.
Hey. Good! You bought food.
No, just my luggage.
l am having the best karma this week.
First, l find this woman who knew my parents...
...then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.
What about that bike messenger you hit?
l wasn't talking about his karma.
Hey, check out the hat!
Wait a minute, l know that hat.
l was taken aboard that hat.
They did experiments on me. l can't have children!
Seriously, where did you get the hat?
Ross gave it to me.
-l think she looks good. -Thank you.
Did he buy it for you...
...or win it for you?
Excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends...
...l'm here to tell you that hats are back.
And this time, they've ganged up and formed one giant superhat.
Go, go, go!
Now everybody wants to be under the hat!
What's with all this sand?
Bob said there might be flood damage.
Either that, or he has a really big cat.
You know what this reminds me of?
Why couldn't l be your boyfriend?
Are you still on that?
-Would you let it go already? -Thank you, Joey.
But you'd go out with me, right?
No. lt's the same as with Chandler. We're friends.
Let's say that we were the last two guys on the planet...
...and you had a gun to your head. Which one would you pick?
Which one of you has the gun to my head?
Well, yes. lt's kind of an unusual house.
lt has three beautiful bedrooms and no baths.
But, you know, the ocean is right there.
Knock, knock, knock.
Hang on a second. Come in, come in.
So think about it and call me back.
-Are you Phoebe Abbott? -Yes.
Surprise, Phoebe Abbott! l'm your best friend's daughter!
You're lrwin's daughter?
No. l mean your old best friend.
Here.
-Lily? From high school? Remember? -Oh, God, Lily.
Yes. Of course l remember Lily.
-Then you must be-- -Phoebe, Phoebe.
She named me after you, l guess.
Wow. Well. Look, there's Frank!
Yeah! Yes! Yes, yes! That's my dad. That's Frank!
l'm sorry l'm getting all flingy.
Take it easy. lf you want, there's cookies.
-Or sangria! l could make sangria! -No, no!
Sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.
Anyway, l've been looking for my father.
-Have you heard from him or seen him? -No, l'm sorry.
l guess l lost track of everybody after high school.
Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything.
Well, you know, we were always together.
-The other kids had a nickname for us. -What was it?
The Three Losers.
Poor Lily.
l heard about what happened. That must have been just terrible for you...
...losing your mother that way.
Yeah, no, it was great.
You know what a really good rainy-day game is?
-What? -l mean, naked game.
-We should totally play strip poker. -No!
Are you crazy?
Come on. When you go away, you have to play. lt's, like, a law.
Well, it's not a law.
As long as it stays attached to that tax reform bill, it never will be!
-All done. -Thank you.
Okay. Who's next?
No!
No way!
Come on, please. l'm bored. You let me do it once before.
Well, if that's the rule this weekend....
-Get away. -Take it like a man. Come on!
Big bullies!
-How are we doing? -Bored and bored.
You know what naked card game's never boring?
No!
So, what's Phoebe like?
l'm kind, caring and sweet. What's Monica like?
No, the other Phoebe. The one you went to see?
l think she knows where my dad is!
-Cool! -Well, where is he?
She was pretending she hasn't heard from him in years...
...but l found this picture on her fridge.
lsn't this what he would look like now?
-Totally familiar. -Oh, yeah!
Why would she lie to you?
We're having dinner tomorrow night, so l figured she'll tell me then.
Maybe she just wanted to give him time...
...to buy me presents. l don't know.
-So you're all bored? -Yes.
l'll close my eyes and point to someone.
Whoever l point to has to come up with something fun, and we have to do it.
Okay! Fan out! Fan out!
You know, we could just do this!
We all have to play strip poker?
Why, all of a sudden, do you wanna play strip poker?
l think because of margaritas three, four and nine.
Strip Happy Days Game?
l couldn't find cards, so it was this or Strip Bag-of-old-knitting-stuff.
Done.
''Fonzie gives you two thumbs up. Collect two cool points.''
lf you get five points, you get to make someone take off one item of clothing.
lt hasn't happened yet, but we're all very excited.
Okay, come on.
Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes...
...for the Prehistoric Forensics department.
Okay. ''Take Pinky Tuscadero up to lnspiration Point.
Collect three cool points.'' Yeah!
Which gives me five.
And let's see, who is gonna lose their clothes?
l think l pick our strip poker sponsor, Mr. Joey Tribbiani.
All right, relax. lt's just a shoe.
''Your band is playing at Arnold's. Collect three cool points.''
Which means l have five, and that means l get Joey's boxers.
Fine. Gang up on me.
l got you all right where l want you.
Come on! Take them off!
Actually, it's kind of cold.
How about l keep my boxers on and give you a peek at the good stuff?
All right, l'm gonna make more margaritas.
What are you doing? Trying to get me drunk?
l'm just making margaritas.
Think l'll help her out.
-What is going on here? -What?
-You're painting his toenails. -Come on!
-Chasing him around the room. -Please!
He's totally flirting with you too.
He is, isn't he?
l don't know. Maybe it's just being here at the beach together...
...l don't know, but it's like something--
-Hi, Bonnie. -Hi.
My boss let me off early, so l took the train.
What are you guys doing?
We're playing Strip Happy Days Game.
Cool! l'll catch up!
So you still don't think...
...l'm boyfriend material?
l saw you checking me out during the game last night.
You didn't even take off your pants.
Well, lucky for you.
-What? -l don't know.
Well, is everybody else having just the best time?
Joey's asleep.
After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm.
Well, l assume the happy couple isn't up yet?
Did you guys hear them last night?
l don't know what they were doing, but...
...sea turtles actually came up to the house.
Good morning.
-How'd everybody sleep? -Great.
-Like a log. -Us too.
l'm going for a walk.
Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.
Hey, what happened to you?
Nothing. l just felt like hanging out and reading.
The water was so great. We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.
Sorry l missed that.
Joey and Chandler sure are funny.
l brought back half the beach in my hair.
lt was so much easier when l shaved my head.
You know, l gotta tell you...
...l just loved your look when you were bald.
Really?
l think about shaving it all off again sometimes.
-Really? -Yeah.
You definitely should do that.
-You know what? l should do it! -Yeah!
You know what? Thank you. You are so cool.
Stop. Go on.
-Now go shave that head. -All right.
-l know l've asked you this before. -A hundred times before!
-How am l not right for you? -l don't know.
l like guys like Richard.
Or Pete, before he went insane.
l don't know. Just somebody more mature.
So l'm not mature enough for you?
Monica needs somebody more mature.
What's the matter?
She canceled. My namesake canceled on me.
She claims she had to go out of town suddenly. She's avoiding me.
She doesn't want to tell me where my father is. She knows but won't tell me!
Pheebs, that sucks.
Well, don't ''Pheebs, that sucks'' me yet.
-Where are you going? -She's out of town.
There's gotta be something in her house that tells me where my father is.
Some people call that ''breaking and entering.''
-Well, are any of those people here? -No.
Okay. Look, l'll do something nice, okay?
l'll fill her ice trays. Good?
Hey, everybody!
Look what you did!
-You wanna touch it? -No, but it's great.
Come on, touch it.
You can feel all the bones in your skull.
l was having a little chat with Bonnie, and guess what?
She happened to bring up who was behind the whole head-shaving idea.
And now, who was it? That's right. lt was you!
That was her idea.
l just gave her a nudge.
She said you gave her the razor.
So anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean?
-No, l'm good. -No, thanks.
-Okay, l'll see you in a bit. -Okay, have fun.
Come on, see? She doesn't look that bad.
You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head!
-What the hell were you thinking? -l don't know.
You don't know? You balded my girlfriend!
All right.
Do you think it's easy for me to see you with somebody else?
You're the one who ended it! Remember?
Because l was mad at you! Not because l stopped loving you!
-You still love me? -No.
You still love me.
Yeah, so? You love me.
What does this mean?
l mean, do you want to get back together?
No! Maybe!
l don't know.
l still can't forgive you for what you did.
l can't. But sometimes when l'm with you, l just feel so....
What?
l just feel....
-l just-- -What?
l feel--
No! l don't care!
l'm not playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!
But l made cards!
Good night.
l'm going upstairs.
-Good night. -Good night.
Wanna play strip poker for practice?
My ass!
No! lt's me! lt's me!
-l didn't wanna make any noise! -Then don't break in!
-l'm sorry! -What are you doing here?
l came to fill your ice-cube tray.
What?
Okay, look.
l took this picture from your fridge. l know that this is my father.
This is Frank Buffay, and you were standing next to him!
Now, look, l deserve to know where l came from.
All right? So if you can help me find my father, then you should.
Otherwise, you're just mean.
So just tell me the truth.
All right.
The man in that picture is Chuck Mangione.
My father is Chuck Mangione?
No, no! That's just Chuck Mangione.
l sold him a house last year.
And l'm very sorry, but l really don't know where your father is.
And that's the truth.
But you're right.
l think that a person should know where they come from.
Which is why l....
l'm your mother.
l wanted to tell you yesterday, but l just...
...felt all floopy, and....
You guys are totally getting back together.
That's not true. She doesn't even know what she wants.
Rachel's still mad about the whole thing.
Then you gotta back away. You don't need that kind of hurt.
Take it from a guy who's...
...never had a long-term relationship.
l know, but l really want to go up there and finish that kiss.
The water is great. You should go in.
No, thanks. l just had an M&M.
Okay. Well, good night.
Good night.
-Don't be too long. -Okey-dokey.
There is not one hair on that head.
lt'll grow back, right? And she's really fun, and she's cool.
And l'm finally moving on.
Getting over Rachel was so....
l'm finally feeling sane. And if l go up there...
...and l kiss her....
God, l want to kiss her!
And it doesn't work out, do l wanna put myself through that again?
Let me get this straight.
lf you go with Bonnie, you're doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.
Right? And if you go with Rachel, Bonnie's free tonight?
Hi there.
That's that weird voice again.
Okay. Let me try it again.
You're gonna wanna date this next guy, l swear! Okay, come on.
l can only do it with the voice now.
Okay, okay. Close the door!
Hi, l'm Dorf!
Your date for the evening.
Dorf on dating? That's good stuff!
[ENGLlSH]