Why are we watching the Business Channel?
Because the other day I saw there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it.
Sometimes it takes two or three hours before it comes up again.
But when it does, it's exciting.
Okay, honey, you really need a job.
Dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
Right there! That's the third sign today. Right there.
On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say, "Huh?"
No, you just said "dad." And everywhere I go today...
... I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father.
Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet.
Which is my father's last name.
And they were serving franks...
...which is his first name minus the "s" at the end.
And there was a rotisserie with a spinning chicken.
His lndian name?
No. Because I chickened out the last time...
...when I tried to meet him. So coincidences? I don't think so.
-Very freaky. -Eerie.
Who wants the last hamburger?
That's it. Now I have to go see him.
Why?
Hamburger? McDonald's?
Old McDonald had a farm. My dad is a pharmacist.
And ei ei oh, It's what your mom said when you father left you.
Yes! really? No!
The One With the Bullies
Man, I am so beat.
You wanna forget racquetball and hang out?
Yeah, all right.
-Hey, you're in our seats. -Sorry, we didn't know.
We were sitting there.
Okay. There is one more way to say it.
Who knows it?
-Was that supposed to be funny? -Actually, I was going for colorful.
-What's with this guy? -What's with you?
Nothing. Nothing's with him.
Enjoy your coffee.
What just happened?
I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too.
My joke is that I took your hat.
That is funny.
Can I have it back?
You know what? I think you're very funny.
Kudos on that hat joke.
But come on, guys, just give him back the hat.
Why should we?
Because it's a special hat.
He bought it because he was feeling down one day.
So he got the hat...
...to cheer himself up, you know?
-Chandler -Stop talking. Stop talking now.
Let me get this straight. You're stealing my hat?
You got a problem?
I just want to make sure we're on the same page.
I'm telling you Rach, I've gone dead hunting with Phabby before.
It's a very scary thing for her, and she is very vunlerable.
That's why we are there. You know, be supported or crap.
Ok, will you just let me know when to do witch.
How'd the interview go?
It bit.
It was a 50s theme restaurant.
I'd have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter.
I was a sous chef at Cafe des Artistes.
How can I take a job where I have to make Laverne-and-Curly Fries?
-Don't do it. -How can I not do it?
I have $127 in the bank!
Monica, relax. Go get a beer.
I don't want a beer.
Who said it was for you?
What's the matter?
Some mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat.
-No! -You're kidding?
It was ridiculous. These guys were bullies.
Actual bullies.
We're grownups. This kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Oh, no, wait a minute. I have no one.
Let's go down there and get your hat back.
Forget it. It's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.
-I went up! -What?
My stock, MEG, it went up two points.
Do you realize that if I'd invested my $127 in myself yesterday...
...that l'd, like, have a lot more than that today.
You know what? I'm going to do it.
-Do what? -Put all my money in me.
You don't know a thing about the stock market.
What's to know? Buy, sell. High, low. Bears, bulls.
Yes, Manhattan.
Telephone number for the stock...
...selling store.
See? I told you these pillows would be a good idea.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
For the first time in my life, I'm gonna say, "Hi, Birth Father!"
-We love you. We're here for you. -Good luck.
Thanks.
Hey, Rach, you want some sandwich?
What is in that?
Olive loaf and ham spread. No mayo.
No, because mayo, that would make it gross.
-Run, Phoebe, run! -No, no, doggy, please!
I do so want to love all animals. Please, no. Back off!
-You got a bone? -Are you kidding?
Look, kibbles! Bits!
Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap!
Okay. All right. We have a problem.
Why don't you take his trampoline?
Okay, here, I know what we can do.
Okay, doggy, get the sandwich!
Go get the sandwich! Good doggy. Get the sandwich!
The dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich.
What does that tell you?
-lf he's not going to eat it, I will. -Are you crazy?
He's just a little dog.
-Hey. -What?
Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent...
...to get to wear those cool jackets?
Do you say this stuff to girls?
Isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
And look where they're sitting.
You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.
Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.
This couch belongs to us.
I'll tell you what, you call the couch...
...and then we'll call the couch...
...and we'll see who it comes to.
You know what I don't like you. You always got something to say.
You know, I keep wondering why you two are still sitting here.
All right, that's it.
I have had enough of this.
Gunther.
These guys are trying to take our seat.
Fellas, these guys were here first.
Oh, sorry, didn't realize.
There you go.
Thank you, Gunther.
We didn't want to have to go and do that.
He told on us?
You told on us?
Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.
-Don't play with his thing. -I know.
All right.
Let's take this outside.
"Let's take this outside?"
Who talks like that?
The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that.
You had to ask.
Okay, okay, look. See...
...the thing is, we're not gonna fight you guys.
Here's the deal.
You won't have to, so long as you never ever show your faces here again.
I think you played the Gunther card too soon.
Hey, Pheebs, I think you're good to go.
Yeah, I don't know.
What's the matter?
I just think that this was a really bad sign.
Like the beast at the threshold.
It's just I have no family left, except for my grandmother.
But let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever.
Despite what she says.
And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we shared a womb.
I don't know. This is my real father...
...and I want things to be, like, just right.
I completely understand.
Whatever you need.
Hey, you want to go home?
Okay, thanks. Sorry, again.
What was that?
I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
I want to buy five shares of SGJ. Now.
Come on, time is money, my friend!
Thank you!
"Time is money, my friend?"
You missed "Takes money to make money"...
...and "Don't make me come down there and kick your Wall Street butt."
I made $ 17 before breakfast. What have you done?
I had breakfast here, so technically I saved $3.50.
How did you make $17?
Well, my financially challenged friends...
...I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
How come those?
Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Erik Estrada.
And ZXY because I think it sounds "zexy."
What happened to MEG?
MEG was good for me, but I dumped her.
My motto is, "Get out before they go down."
That is so not my motto.
How's the dog?
Okay. I talked to the vet. People are so nice upstate.
He said the little fella's gonna be okay, and I can get him tomorrow.
-Good. -Thank God.
But he did have to have a bunch of stitches.
And he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back.
So still hoping.
Now are you going to call your dad to let him know that his dog is okay?
I don't want to meet my father over the phone.
What will I say, "Hi, I'm the daughter you abandoned.
Oh, by the way, I broke your dog."
Hey, Pheebs, if you want, I'll do it.
Listen, just don't say anything about me, okay?
Don't...
... be too long with the phone.
She'll be a much better friend once the market closes.
It's a woman.
So talk to her.
Hello, Mrs. Buffay.
I know where your dog is.
I want you to know he'll be returned to you almost as good as new...
...within 24 hours.
Goodbye.
-Why the voice? -Hard to say.
Your cappuccino, sir.
Thank you.
-This is better than the coffeehouse. -Absolutely.
How come it's not mixing with the water?
The package says to keep it moving.
Stir and drink, never let it settle.
This is ridiculous.
After I get back from my niece's christening...
...I'll go to the coffeehouse with you and we'll have a cup of coffee.
No problem. Joey's there.
I don't want to have to have Joey with me every time I want decent coffee.
And I don't want to drink cappuccino with a "k."
I say you and I go and stand up to those guys.
All right, hang on a second there, Custer.
Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Yeah, sure.
By someone besides Monica?
So what?
So we get beaten up. Maybe that's something a man has to go through.
Like a rite of passage or something.
Couldn't we just lose our virginities again?
Because I think actually mine's growing back.
Are you go with me or not. Come on.
All right, I'm go with you. Just prepare clean underware for the hospital.
-I need $100. -What?
Welcome home.
-I need $100. -For what?
-To get back in the game. -When did you get out?
I lost it all. I lost it.
I've come to terms with it, you have to, too.
Look, Mon, I'm really sorry.
Where are we on the $100?
I don't have it.
But I need it!
Otherwise, I'll have to take that diner job.
You know, with the dancing and the costumes.
I don't want to have to wear flame-retardant boobs.
Nobody does, honey.
Noodle!
Oh, my God. What the hell happened to my dog?
It was an accident.
And the woman who did this would never hurt a dog on purpose.
She's a vegetarian.
Are these stitches?
Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him.
If it's raining, you can't let him look up...
... because that cone will fill up fast.
Thanks for bringing back what's left of him.
-ls Frank home? -How do you know Frank?
Just from a long time ago. Is he here?
What?
I mean Frank Senior.
He went out for groceries.
Will he be back soon?
He left four years ago. We're expecting him back any minute.
I'm gonna go.
I'm sorry about the dog. Everything.
I'm sorry.
Hey, lady!
Hey, wait up!
-How do you know my dad? -Well, I don't really.
Just genetically.
He's kind of my dad too.
Heavy.
So did he ever talk about me... Phoebe?
No, but he didn't really talk about anything.
Except stilts.
-Stilts? -Yeah, he loved stilts.
One time, I was upstairs stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse...
...and all of a sudden I look over...
...and there's Dad's head, bobbing past the window.
He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving...
...because he was happiest when he was on his stilts.
I don't know what to do with that.
Me neither.
So are you, like, my big sister?
This is huge. You can buy me beer!
I'm not gonna.
But you know what's cool? If you had a friend named Pete, I could say...
... "I know Pete. He's friends with my brother."
-I got a friend named Mark. -That'll work too.
Cool. All right.
So maybe, you know, I could give you a call sometime.
We could talk or something.
-Yeah, that'd be okay. -All right.
I'm in the book.
So stilts, huh?
If you want, I can show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
We did it. We're here. We are standing our ground.
-How long does coffee take? -Would you come on? Come on!
Thank you.
-There we go. -I think we proved our point.
-You burn your mouth? -Cannot feel my tongue.
Bullies! Big bullies!
Look who's here. It's the weenies.
Did we not make ourselves clear the other day?
That's why we're here.
Yes, we're standing our ground.
Apparently.
Let's do this already.
You got a weapon?
A nice watch. I don't want to break it on your ribs.
All right, let's do this.
Question: If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
-What do you mean? -It's sharp, it's metal.
I think I can do some serious damage with it.
No, you can't use your watch.
Or your keys.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there.
All right?
All right, come on, man. Let's do it!
Before I forget, are we hitting faces?
Of course. Why wouldn't you hit faces?
I have to work on Monday. I have a big presentation.
Actually, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow...
...and this no-faces thing might not be a bad idea.
Nothing from the neck up.
Or the waist down.
-Dana's ovulating. -Really? You guys trying again?
Let me get this straight. We're talking about the middle?
Come on!
You want a piece of this? I'm standing here!
Those guys are taking our stuff!
God, that was amazing. That was incredible.
-You guys kicked butt! -Us? What about you guys?
You really gave it to old Mr. Clean back there.
-He was a big guy. -Yeah, he was, wasn't he?
I wouldn't know, having missed everything.
Don't do that to yourself.
Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope.
So listen, guys...
...are we okay here?
We're okay.
So can I have my hat back?
Oh, my God. Look at her.
Hi, Monica!
How's it going?
Hey, nice boobs.
Guys, guys. Check this out.
Excellent.