Man, I sure miss Julie.
Spanish midgets.
Spanish midgets wrestling....
Julie! Okay, I see how you got there.
You ever figure out what that thing's for?
I'm trying this screening thing.
If I always answer the phone, people will think I have no life.
My God! Rodrigo never gets pinned!
At the sound of the beep, you know what to do.
Hello. I'm looking for Bob.
This is Jade.
I don 't know if you 're still at this number, but I was thinking...
...about how great it was. I know it's been three years...
...but I was hoping we could hook up again.
I barely had the nerve to make this call...
-...so you know what I did? -What?
I got a little drunk...
...and naked.
Bob here!
The One With Five Steaks and An Eggplant
So what have you been up to?
Oh, you know, the usual.
Teaching aerobics...
...partying way too much.
And in case you wondered...
... those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
Can you hold on? I have another call.
-I love her! -I know.
-I'm back. -So are we gonna get together?
Absolutely.
How about tomorrow afternoon?
Do you know Central Perk? Say, five-ish?
Great. I'll see you then.
Having a phone has finally paid off.
You do a good Bob impression...
... but when she sees you tomorrow...
...she's gonna realize you're not Bob.
I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up...
...she'll seek comfort in the arms of the stranger at the next table.
Oh, my God. You are pure evil.
Okay, pure evil...
... horny and alone.
I've done this.
Yeah, everybody's here.
Hey, everybody! Say hi to Julie in New Mexico!
Hi, Julie.
While Ross is on the phone...
...everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
Is there any chance that you're rounding up from...
...you know...
...from like 20?
Hey, we got the gift, the concert and the cake.
Do we need a cake?
I know it's a little steep.
But it's Ross.
It's Ross.
See you later. I gotta go...
...do a thing!
Okay, sweetheart, I'll call you later.
You're not going through with this, are you?
You know, I think I might just.
What are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
Well, I gotta start saving up for Ross' birthday.
I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
Can you believe how much this costs?
Do you guys ever get the feeling that...
... Chandler and those guys...
...don't get that we don't make that much money?
They always say let's go here, let's go there.
Like we can afford to go here and there.
Yes, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice.
And we can't say anything about it, because this is a birthday thing...
...and it's "for Ross."
For Ross.
Oh, my God!
I'm at work...
...just an ordinary day, chop, chop, saute, saute.
Suddenly, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office.
They fired the lunch chef, and guess who got the job?
If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
Fortunately, it is me.
And they made me head of purchasing, thank you!
That's so cool!
Anyway, I think we should go out and celebrate.
You know, someplace nice.
Someplace nice.
How much you think I can get for my kidney?
You can't do this.
I can't get a girl like that with conventional methods.
It doesn't matter.
She wanted to call Bob. Bob could be who she was meant to be with.
You may be destroying their chance for happiness.
We don't know Bob.
We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.
Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
All right.
Go.
Listen, I have to....
I have to confess something.
Yes?
Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
-How did you -I don't know.
I just had this weird sense. But that's me, I'm weird and sensitive.
Tissue?
Thanks.
No, you keep the pack.
I'm all cried out today.
Here is to my sister, the newly appointed head lunch chef.
Also in charge of purchasing.
Head lunch chef, also in charge of purchasing
Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there...
-... here's to my -Wait! And I got a beeper!
That's fine, I'll just wait.
Sorry.
Monica!
Are we ready to order?
We haven't even looked yet.
When you do, let me know.
I'll be over there on the edge of my seat.
Look at these prices!
Yeah, these are pretty "cha-ching."
I know! What are these, famous chickens?
Sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon.
I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Pretty incredible, according to the message on my machine.
Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
I told her that my number was yours...
... because I couldn't tell her it was mine...
... because she thinks my number is Bob's number.
Tell me again. What do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Do I dare ask?
I'll start with the carpaccio, and then the grilled prawns.
Great, same for me.
And for the gentleman?
I'll have the Thai chicken pizza.
But if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff...
...is it cheaper?
You'd think, wouldn't you?
I will have the side salad.
And what would that be on the side of?
I don't know.
Just put it right here next to my water.
And for you?
I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup and...
...take care.
I will have the Cajun catfish.
Anything else?
Yes, how about a verse of "Killing Me Softly"?
You're gonna sneeze in my fish, aren't you?
Plus tip, divided by six....
Everyone owes 28 bucks.
Everyone?
Oh! You're right, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
It's Monica's big night. She shouldn't pay.
So five of us is...
...33. 50 a piece.
No. No way. Sorry, not gonna happen.
Prom night flashback.
Sorry, Monica. I'm happy you got promoted...
... but cold cucumber mush for 30-something bucks?
No!
Rachel just had that little salad...
...and Joey with his teeny pizza!
Okay, Pheebs.
How about we'll each pay for what we had?
It's no big deal.
Not for you.
All right, what's going on?
I don't wanna get into this right now.
It'll make everybody uncomfortable.
You can tell us.
Yeah, hello? It's us. We'll be fine.
We three...
...feel like that...
...sometimes you guys don't get that....
We don't have as much money as you.
I hear you.
We can talk about that.
Well, then...
...Iet's.
I guess I just never think of money as an issue.
-Because you have it. -Good point!
So how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
Because it's always something. Like with Monica's new job...
...or the whole Ross' birthday hoopla.
I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative....
There's gonna be a hoopla?
Basically there's the thing, and then the stuff after the thing
If it makes anybody feel better, forget the thing...
...and we'll just do the gift.
Gift? The thing's not the gift?
No, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
Hootie and the
I can catch them on the radio.
No. Now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
No, look. It's my birthday...
...and the important thing is that we're all together.
-All of us. -Together.
Not at the concert.
Thank you.
So, the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?
Gee, Monica. What's in the bag?
I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
Oh, it's like a skit.
Why, it's dinner for six. Five steaks...
...and an eggplant for Phoebe.
We switched suppliers at work, and they gave me the steaks as a thank-you.
But wait, there's more. Chandler, what is in that envelope?
By the way, this didn't seem so dorky out in the hall.
Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish!
The Blowfish!
It's on us. So don't worry. This is...
...our treat.
Thank you.
Could you be less enthused?
Look, it's a nice gesture. It is.
But it just feels like....
Like?
Charity.
Charity?
We're just trying to do a nice thing here.
But you have to understand, your "nice thing" makes us feel about this big.
Actually, it makes us feel that big.
I don't understand. We can't win with you guys.
If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault.
Maybe that's just how you feel.
Now you're telling us how we feel.
We never should have talked about this.
I'm gonna pass on the concert.
I'm just not in a very "Hootie" place right now.
-Me neither. -Me too.
Guys, we bought the tickets.
Then you'll have extra seats for all your tiaras and stuff.
Why did you look at me when you said that?
So I guess now we can't go.
Do what you want. Do we always have to do everything together?
You know what? You're right.
Fine.
All right.
We're gonna go.
It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then.
Are you ready?
Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
What? You had sex today?
It sounds even cooler when somebody else says it!
I was awesome. She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
I know it's been a while, but I took that as a good sign.
Still doing the screening?
I had sex today.
I never have to answer that phone again.
At the sound of the beep, you know what to do.
Hey, Bob. It's Jade.
I wanted to tell you I was really hurt when you didn 't show up yesterday.
And just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
Bob here.
So you met someone, huh?
Yes, I did.
In fact, I had sex with him two hours ago.
So how was he?
Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you.
I bit my lip to keep from screaming your name.
Well, that makes me feel so good.
It was just so awkward and bumpy.
Maybe he had some kind of new style that you're not familiar with.
You have to get used to it.
There wasn 't much time to get used to it...
...if you know what I mean.
You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
I know. It's my birthday. We all should be here.
So let's go.
Well, maybe we should stay for one song.
It would be rude to them for us to leave now.
The guys are probably having a great time.
Come on, you guys. One more time.
One.
-Amazing! -Excellent!
I can't believe the guys missed it!
What guys? Oh, yeah.
Excuse me. Aren't you Monica Geller?
-Do I know you? -You were my baby-sitter!
Oh, my God! Little Stevie Fisher?
How have you been?
Good. I'm a lawyer now.
You can't be a lawyer. You're 8.
It was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
Wait, backstage?
My firm represents the band.
You guys wanna meet the group?
Come on.
Are you one of the ones that fooled around with my Dad?
Hey, you guys!
Happy birthday!
Oh, thank you.
How was your night last night?
Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
Ours pretty much sucked too.
But I ran into Stevie Fisher. Remember him?
Oh, yeah! I used to baby-sit him.
Hey, how's his dad?
Good.
Aside from that, the evening was pretty much a bust.
Yeah, we really missed you guys.
Yeah, we were just saying, this whole thing is so stupid.
We just have to really, really not let stuff like money, get like
Is that a hickey?
Oh, no, I just....
I fell down.
On someone's lips?
Where'd you get the hickey?
You know, a party or
What party?
It wasn't a party so much as a...
...a gathering of people.
With food and music and...
...and the band.
You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
Yes. Apparently, Stevie and Hootie are like this.
Who gave you that hickey?
That would be the work of a Blowfish.
I can't believe it! I can't believe this!
We're just sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers...
...and you're partying and having fun and all:
"Hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck!"
Don't blame us. You could've been there.
What? As part of your "poor friends outreach program"?
Oh, great. It's work.
I don't know what to say. I'm sorry we make more than you.
But we're not gonna feel guilty. We work really hard.
And we don't work hard?
It's Monica. I got a page.
It's just that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
And you feel like we hold you back.
Leon, wait.
Guys!
I don't understand.
The steaks were a gift from the meat vendor.
That was not a kickback.
I'll just replace them, and we can forget the whole thing.
What corporate policy?
I just got fired.
Here's your check. That'll be $4. 1 2.
Let me get that.
You got 5 bucks?
Here comes the beep. You know what to do.
Hi, it's me.
Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here.
It's been three years, and you 're probably seeing someone else now...
...but if we could have one night together, for old time 's sake....
One hot, steamy, wild night....