- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- Hi. - Hey.
We need to talk about something.
Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year.
- What? - Are you kidding?
Well, it's just with work and the stress of adoption...
...we don't feel like we have the energy.
Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.
That doesn't sound like you.
That's Monica talking.
- No, we made this decision together. - She's putting words in your mouth.
Don't you put words in people's mouths. You put turkey in people's mouths.
I can't believe this. This is Emma's first Thanksgiving.
- No, it's not. - It's not? When was she born?
Well, personally, I think it's great you're giving yourself a break.
- Thank you, Pheebs. - Sure. It's just as well.
I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch.
- What? You are way off, lady. - Am l? Really? Am l?
Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong.
Well, think about it. You'd be trying to top what you did last year.
You'd be in competition with yourself.
That's my favorite kind.
Okay, we are doing this.
Don't let yourself get manipulated this way.
Stay out of this, Chandler. This is between me and me.
We are supposed to make these decisions together.
Did you not watch the Dr. Phil I taped for you?
- Hey. - Hi. Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Meatless Turkey-Murder Day.
You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on Bleeker.
- Could you pick them up for me? - You're not making the pies?
I don't make chocolate pies.
When I was younger, I entered this pie-eating contest.
I ate so many that the thought of them makes me sick.
Did you at least win the contest?
Two minutes, twelve pies and a part of one tin.
- Okay, I'll see you guys at 4. - Can't wait.
This dinner is gonna be so great. In your face, last-year me.
- Hey, Rach? - Yeah.
What's Emma doing today?
Well, let's see, I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer...
...and then she has to make a very big poop.
- Why? - I want to enter her in a baby pageant.
Oh, my God. That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Okay, but before you say no, my friend Suzanne is entering her kid.
And compared to Emma, she's a real dog.
- Phoebe, all babies are beautiful. - Oh, okay.
No. Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another...
...l mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy...
- And a thousand dollars. - ...is something I'm very interested in.
Oh, please, do not tell Ross.
He still believes that what's on the inside is important.
Okay. And Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition.
Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving?
Well, I was thinking--
Take the clothes off Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid!
Did someone drop the baton again?
Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?
I don't get older, I just get better.
You know what just occurred to me?
This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us.
I mean, we could be getting a baby soon.
- You don't know that. - Somebody's gonna pick us.
But we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency.
I'm telling you, it's gonna happen.
Next year, it's gonna be you, me and little Hemingway Bing.
- What? He's my favorite author. - Name one of his books.
The Firm?
Okay, let's see. Okay, the turkey's in the oven. The stuffing is ready.
You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year.
Oh, Chandler, that's sweet.
But you don't have to do everything Dr. Phil tells you to do.
I'm serious, let me do something. Just not the turkey. Nothing high-profile.
Okay, let's see. Oh, the cranberry sauce.
It's easy to make, and no one really cares about it.
Tell me more.
I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these.
Not with soap!
You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes.
- Hi. Hey, guess what Joey has. - Three tickets to today's Rangers game!
Dude, I wanted him to guess.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, they're great seats too.
- Guess where they are. - Center ice.
Did I do something to you?
- The game's at 1. - So?
- Dinner's at 4. We'll never make it back. - So we'll leave before it's over.
But it could take us a long time to get back home.
Plus, Joey could get lost and they could have to page us to go pick him up.
Dude, two times that happened!
Look, Monica's been working hard all day.
She didn't want to host in the first place. We shouldn't go.
He's right, man.
- Yeah, I guess. So we'll see you at 4. - Okay.
And get ready to taste my very special cranberries.
Or should I say "Chan-berries"?
That's some gentle comedy, dude.
- We're still going to the game, right? - Yeah.
This is contestant number 16, Rebecca Hope from Yonkers.
- Hey. - Phoebe, listen, I think we gotta go.
This place is freaking me out.
I've been watching this guy over there. I don't think he came with a kid.
But we can't leave now.
There was this one baby, Haley, who was favored to win...
...she got croup, so she had to stay home.
This competition just blew wide-open, folks.
Phoebe, it's just too weird.
I just saw a 1 -year-old with pantyhose on.
Oh, I know. We should've been more prepared.
It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron.
My God, they just took her sweater off.
Look at those arms. Hello, Michelin Man.
Phoebe, come on. You know what, it's already 3:00.
They haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We got dinner.
But Emma's got what it takes. She could go all the way!
- Phoebe, you have to calm down. - Okay.
Rachel, the hottest babies in the tri-state area are in this room right now.
I overheard a judge say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You heard him say that? - Yeah.
All right. Okay. All right, let's give these babies something to cry about.
Good. Let's get down to business. Emma needs some makeup.
What?
She's gonna look washed-out next to the others.
No, I'm not letting you put makeup on my baby.
- Why not? - Because I already did.
You suck! Get off the ice, you idiot!
- What a game. - I know. Yeah.
- I can't believe Chandler's missing this. - I'm sorry he's not here.
But I gotta say, I am really enjoying nacho chair.
Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't keep batting my hand away.
- Yeah! - These seats are great.
I know, I know. When I was here for "Holidays on lce" ...
...l was sitting so far away, Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner.
Dude, I'm sure she knows you heart her.
I hope so.
We'd better get going. If we don't leave now, we're gonna be late.
But it's a tie game. So we're a little late. The girls will be there.
Let's just stay for one more goal.
- I don't know. - One more fight.
- Okay. - Okay.
Where is everybody? They're 45 minutes late.
I can't believe they're not here. I slave and I slave for what?
They've ruined Cranberry Day.
- How late are we? - Forty-five minutes.
- Here. - Okay.
Rachel and Phoebe are already there, so they probably started without us.
We could just slip in, and no one needs to know where we were.
- You may want to lose the foam finger. - Oh, no, no, no.
You just want to put it on your hand.
- You're not at Thanksgiving? - No, we're late.
- What are you doing here? - We're late too.
We figured we could be late because you'd be on time.
Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani.
- Nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us. - Yeah, where were you?
- Well-- - Yeah, what's with the trophy?
Well, we were at a spelling bee.
And I won.
You won an adult Thanksgiving Day spelling bee?
Yes. Y-E-S. Yes.
Let me see this. "Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York Division"?
That's me.
You entered Emma in a beauty pageant?
And it looks like she put makeup on her.
Wait a second. Where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before?
I can't believe this. She's our daughter.
That you would treat her like some kind of show dog is inexcusable.
- She won a thousand dollars. - So this is an annual thing?
That's Alicia May Emory's outfit!
Guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier.
- What are we gonna do? - I gotta put Emma down for a nap.
And, Rach, while you're in there, throw something on Alicia May.
- All right, what are we gonna say? - We'll say that we were mugged.
You can't get mad at someone who's been mugged.
Good. But you don't look like you were mugged.
No. Here.
Hey!
Do you hear something?
- They're out there. - Let me see.
I can't believe this. They're an hour late, and they're just standing there talking.
Everything's so distorted. It looks like Joey has a giant hand.
That says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game.
Oh, they are in for a world of pain.
- Ross' shirt is torn. - They're late and they're sloppy.
All right, Emma's napping. What happened to your shirt?
I got mugged, and they stole my pocket.
We're just trying to figure out an excuse.
How about this?
We could say that Monica told us 5:00, not 4:00. That way we're right on time.
Or we could plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her.
That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.
We'll just say that she said it was 5:00.
We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time.
"We know you're out there."
Who do you think it's from?
Oh, God, this is bad. This is so bad.
Well, let's just go in there and face them.
I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.
I hate that thing. It's like a bolt of lightning.
Why don't we play Rock, Paper, Scissors, and whoever loses, goes in first.
- All right, I'm in. - Ready.
I win.
- What is that? - That's fire. It beats everything.
Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon?
Well-played, Phoebe Buffay. Well-played.
All right, let's all go in at the same time.
- Okay. - Okay.
- It's locked. - What? Oh, sure, now they lock it.
When they're having sex on the couch, it's like:
"Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy!"
All right, come on. All right, you guys, we're so sorry we're late.
Please let us in so we can have dinner together.
No, everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the stuffing's all soggy.
Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that's--
What happens to cranberry sauce?
- Nothing, it's fine. - Oh, thank God.
Come on, you guys, we're sorry. Our subway broke down.
That's a lie! You went to the game. I can see Joey's hand.
For the love of God, take it off!
Guys, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now.
Please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey.
I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that.
That's all the turkey you're gonna get.
- How are we gonna decide who gets this? - Water balloon!
What are we gonna do? I'm starving.
I just remembered, we do have something to eat.
Monica put something in our oven this morning.
You touch that, and you will be sorry!
Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it!
Oh, my God, it's Brussels sprouts!
That's worse than no food.
All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts.
Stinky?
Please let me stay on this side of the door.
Oh, I know! I still have my old key.
We can just unlock the door.
I don't know if that's a good idea. They don't wanna be with us.
I don't wanna be with them either...
...but it's Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together together.
If I could just get in there, make a face-to-face apology...
...look them in the eye, I could get them to forgive us.
- I don't know. - I'm telling you...
...l can do it.
Yeah, he can do it.
It all looks so beautiful.
- The turkey, the stuffing. - The cranberries.
Enough! A monkey could've made them.
Hey, listen, guys, we feel really terrible.
He's doing that weird eye-contact thing.
Don't look at him. Don't look at him.
Come on, you guys. We want you to know we're very, very sorry.
Right, guys?
- I feel terrible. - Oh, so sorry.
But let's not ruin this day. You've worked so hard.
Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?
The floating heads do make a good point.
Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.
- So bad. - So bad.
Okay.
Okay, you two go get the dessert, and I'll let you in.
Dessert?
Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right?
Pies. Oh, we thought you said "prize."
Here.
- "Grand Supreme Little Darling"? - Congratulations!
Oh, my God, you forgot the pies? Well, I cannot believe this.
You forced me to make dinner, you're an hour late...
...and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do.
Really, girls, not cool.
Well, you man-heads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game.
You knew it'd make you late, and you went anyway.
Hey, I'm getting a little tired of this. We said we're sorry.
It's Thanksgiving, for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness.
- It's a day to be thankful. - Don't make me come up there!
It's too late for apologies.
Fine, let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner.
That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.
- Oh, is that what that is? - Sorry.
Come on, you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving.
- Yeah, I'll cook. - Yeah, let's go out.
Yeah, you three have a nice Thanksgiving.
- The three of us? - Yeah. You, Chan and the vein.
- I'm stuck. - Joey, that is not gonna work.
No, seriously.
- I'm really wedged in here. - I'll pull you through.
Okay.
Stop, stop, I'm worried about damaging my head.
It's a little late for that.
Hurry up, you gotta do something.
All right, well, this does not change anything.
We need to get something to grease his face.
- We got turkey grease. - Bring it.
I just want to say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a separate person.
Here you go.
Oh, that smells good.
- Okay? - Okay, try it.
It isn't working.
- We're gonna have to unscrew the chain. - Hurry, I can't feel my ears.
Can you ever feel your ears?
Interesting.
- Chandler, where are your tools? - Oh, I left them on my bulldozer.
I don't have tools.
- Well, I do, but Rachel borrowed them. - I lent them to Ross.
- I gave them to Joey. - I left them at the park.
I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him.
I stuffed Brussels sprouts down his pants.
Nice.
Okay, I have to get that.
Now, when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone.
Thanksgiving is over. The vein has spoken.
- It's really starting to hurt. - Look, I'm gonna pull on the door...
...and you guys push. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay?
Okay, so push.
Just a sec. We're kind of in the middle of something here.
Hey, stop putting things down my pants.
- Come on, guys, push! - Yeah, come on, push!
Push! Push!
- My cranberries! - Man, I got food all over me.
I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you.
Look! Look! Look what the-- Look what the floating heads did!
I don't care.
What's going on?
That was the adoption agency.
And?
- We're getting a baby! - Are you serious?!
There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us.
- Oh, my God, that's great! - That's incredible.
I'm so happy for you.
This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass!
To Monica and Chandler and that knocked-up girl in Ohio.
I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid.
I know. Have you considered pageanting?
I can't believe they called. I mean, we're actually getting a baby.
I know how you feel.
- Really? - Sure.
I went through the exact same thing with Alicia May Emory.
The waiting, the wondering.
Then one day, I get that call from Toys"R"Us.
She was in stock.
That is the exact same thing.