Mother, just once, can we go to lunch...
...and not talk about what I'm wearing or where my career is going?
Or who I'm dating.
-Ready for the check? -God, yes.
-I'll take it. -No, darling.
I said I'll take it. Here, take it. Go. Run.
Very sweet.
-And on what they pay you -Career.
You don't have to worry about me. I'm doing fine.
I'm afraid this has been denied.
That's impossible.
That's all right, dear. Here you go.
The One With The Fake Monica
How'd someone get your card number?
No idea. Look how much they spent.
You only have to pay for the stuff you bought.
Still, it's just such reckless spending.
When somebody steals...
...they've already thrown caution to the wind.
Wow, what a geek. They spent $69. 95 on a Wonder Mop.
That's me.
You see, when I say geek, I mean
The hell with it, you bought a $70 mop, you're a geek.
Oh, yuck. Ross, he's doing it again.
Marcel, stop humping the lamp.
Stop humping. Now, Marcel, come Come here, Marcel.
Oh, no. Not in my room. I'll get him.
You've got to do something about that.
What? It's just a phase.
Well, that's what we said about Joey.
You'd think you would be more understanding.
I know. But we're not.
Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
-Marcel, stop it. Marcel. Bad monkey. -What?
Let's say my Curious George is no longer curious.
You are not still going over that thing.
-This woman's living my life. -What?
She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me.
Look at this. Look. She buys tickets to plays I wanna see.
She shops where I'm afraid of the salespeople.
-She spent $300 on art supplies. -You're not an artist.
I might be if I had the supplies.
I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
Oh, Monica, come on. You do cool things.
Really? Let's compare, shall we?
Oh, it's so late for "shall we."
Do I horseback ride in the park?
-Do I take classes at the New School? -No.
She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.
-How about Joey Paponi? -No, still too ethnic.
-My agent wants a more neutral name. -Joey Switzerland?
Plus, I think it should be Joe. Joey makes me sound like I'm this big:
Which I'm not.
Joe, Joe, Joe Stalin?
Stalin.
Do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Well, it does not ring a bell with me.
But you're more plugged into that show business thing.
Joe Stalin.
You know, that's pretty good.
You might wanna try Joseph.
Joseph Stalin.
-I think you'd remember that. -Yes.
Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin.
Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
Hi. Yes, this is Monica Geller.
I'm taking some classes with you, and I was wondering what they were.
I've had a recent head injury and certain numbers
Barbecue. Oh, did l? See, there you go.
-What are you doing? -All right, great.
Great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class.
To dance with the woman that stole your card?
To see what she looks like.
I'm sure her picture's up at the post office.
I should get to see who she is.
You're kind of losing it here. This is becoming a weird obsession.
This is madness, I tell you.
For the love of God, Monica, don't do it.
Thank you.
-What do you think? -Lots of things.
-Which one is she? -May I help you?
No, thanks. We're just here to observe.
You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class.
Spare shoes are over there.
What does she mean?
I think she means "You dance a dance class."
-Come on, come on, come on. -Really?
Do you see anybody you think could be me?
Last time there were yogurt containers lying around after class.
-Let's not have that happen again. -She could be you.
Let's get started.
Five, six. Five, six, seven, eight.
-Okay, I'm not getting this. -I'm totally getting it.
Do you ever feel like you're so uncoordinated?
What? You click when they click.
All right, everyone grab a partner.
All right. And my dead mother said you are it. I'm with Rachel.
Great, it's gym class all over again.
You can come up to the front and dance with me.
Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare?
It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late.
Okay, here I am. So who's the new tense girl?
-She's your partner. -Hi, I'm Monica.
Oh, Monica.
Hi, I'm Mon
-Nana. -Monana.
-It's Dutch. -You're kidding.
I spent three years in Amsterdam.
Pennsylvania Dutch.
And we're dancing. Five, six, seven, eight.
Hi.
-Hey. Where have you been? -I just got back from the vet.
She's not gonna make you wear a big plastic cone?
She says Marcel's humping is not a phase.
Apparently, he's reached sexual maturity.
Hey, he beat you.
She says, as time goes on, he's gonna start getting violent.
So, what does this mean?
I have to give him up.
I can't believe it. This sucks.
You just got him. How could he be an adult already?
I know. One day he's this little thing...
...and then he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
Isn't there any way to keep him?
No. The vet said unless he's in a place...
...where he has regular access...
...to some monkey loving...
... he's just gonna get vicious.
I just gotta get him into a zoo.
-How do you get a monkey into a zoo? -I know.
No, that's popes into a Vokswagen.
We're applying to a lot. Our first choice would be a big state zoo.
You know, like San Diego. Right?
But that may just be a pipe dream. He's out-of-state.
My vet knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
But that's two blocks from the beach. It's a total party zoo.
We found the girl.
-Did you call the cops? -We took her to lunch.
Oh, your own brand of vigilante justice.
Are you insane? This woman stole from you.
She stole. She's a stealer.
After you're with this woman for 10 minutes, you forget that.
I mean, she's this astounding person with this amazing spirit.
Which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
-Take off their hats. -Popes in a Vokswagen.
I love that joke.
-No way. No way did you do this. -Monana was very brave.
We told them we were the Gundersons in room 61 5...
...only to find out the Boston Celtics had the entire floor.
When they saw that we're short and have breasts....
They threw us out. I was thrown out of a hotel. Me.
Go, Monana.
You ladies are not the only ones living the dream.
I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up.
Oh, by the way...
...tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
-Excuse me? -There's an open call for Cats.
I'm thinking we sing "Memories"...
...and make complete fools of ourselves. What do you say?
No, no, no. Remember who you're dealing with here.
I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
That's because of your Amish background.
-What? -You're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Right. Till I bought a blow dryer. Then I was shunned.
I was just like you. And then, one day, I saw a movie that changed my life.
Did you ever see Dead Poets Society?
I thought that movie was so incredibly boring.
That thing at the end where the kid...
...kills himself because he can't be in the play?
It's like, "Kid, wait a year. Leave home, do some community theater."
I thought, "That's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back."
That scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
Oh, God.
We didn't get into Scranton.
That was, like, our safety zoo.
They take, like, dogs and cows.
See, I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
I'd say that chair's taking the brunt of it.
Marcel. Marcel. Marcel, no.
Good boy. See? How can nobody want him?
Somebody will.
You know, there already is a Joseph Stalin.
You're kidding.
Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered people.
-You'd think you would've known that. -You'd think I would've.
Hey, how about Joey Heatherton?
Come on, I told you I don't wanna go back to Joey.
What do you think a good stage name for me would be?
Flame Boy.
Where exactly is your zoo?
Well, it's technically not a zoo, per se.
It's more of an interactive wildlife experience.
Let me ask you some questions about Marcel.
-Does he fight with other animals? -No, no. He's very docile.
Even if he were cornered?
Well, I don't know. Why?
How is he at handling small objects?
He can hold a banana, if that's what you mean.
What about a hammer or a small blade?
Why would he need a blade?
If he's up against an animal with horns...
...you got to give him something.
Otherwise, it's just cruel.
-He got into San Diego. -What?
We came back from our walk. The phone was ringing....
He's in.
Did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego.
You're making a mistake. San Diego's good...
... but I'll start him off against a blind rabbit...
...and give you 20% of the gate.
Where have you been?
Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
I think I kissed an archbishop.
But, of course, it could've been a chef.
-Are you drunk? -No.
-I'm lying. I am so drunk. -Oh, God.
You know what? You could've called.
I've been worried Monica.
Water rules.
Yes. Yes, it does.
The restaurant called. They wanna know if you're showing up for work.
Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
You're gonna lose your job. This is not you.
No, it is me.
I'm not just the person who fluffs the pillows...
...and pays the bills right away.
You know, when I'm with her, I'm so much more than that.
I'm Monana.
Hello? Yes, she is. Hold on a second please.
Monana, it's for you. The credit card people.
Hello.
Yes?
Oh, my God.
-Thanks. -What?
They've arrested Monica.
-Hi. -Hi.
How are you?
Not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my color.
How did you know I was here?
Because I'm Monica Geller.
It was my credit card you were using.
That I was not expecting.
I want you to know, I didn't turn you in.
-Thanks. -No, thank you.
You have given me so much.
I'd never have gotten to sing...
... "Memories" at the Winter Garden Theater.
Actually, you only got to sing "Memo"
I can't believe you're here. What will I do without you?
Who's gonna crash parties with me?
Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
I started my day by peeing in front of 25 other women...
...and you're worried about who'll take you to the circus?
Well, not worried, you know, just wondering.
There's nothing to wonder about.
You'll go back to being who you were. That's who you are.
-Not necessarily. -Yes, necessarily.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the Amish thing.
-I'm not actually Amish. -Really? Then why are you like that?
-You, by the door, in or out? -ln.
-You're getting it all wrong. -But at least I'm doing it.
This is the final boarding call for Flight 67...
... to San Diego at gate 42A.
Okay, goodbye, little monkey guy. All right, I wrote you this poem.
Okay, but don't eat it till you get on the plane.
Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
Okay, bye, champ.
There'll be a lot of babes in San Diego...
... but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
I don't know what to say, Ross. It's a monkey.
Just say what you feel, Joey.
-Marcel, I'm hungry. -That was good.
Marcel, this is for you.
It's just, you know, something...
...to do on the plane.
If you don't mind, I'd like a moment alone.
-Oh, sure. Absolutely. -Go ahead.
Marcel, come here. Come here. Come here.
Well, buddy...
...this is it.
Just a couple of things I wanted to say.
I'm really gonna miss you.
You know, I'm never gonna forget about you.
You've been more than just a pet to me.
You've been more like a Okay. Marcel.
Would you leave my leg alone?
Would you stop humping me for two seconds?
Okay, would you just take him away? Just take him.
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand...
...that I might touch thy cheek.
-That's fine. Thank you. -Next.
I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
-Name? -Holden McGroin.