Coffee.
-Thank you. -Cappuccino.
And a nice, hot cider for Monica.
Thank you.
Rach, why does my cinnamon stick have an eraser?
That's why.
Sorry.
The One With The Stoned Guy
Chandler?
Miss Tedlock, you look lovely today.
That is a very flattering sleeve length on you.
Mr. Costilick would like you to stop by his office today.
If it's about those prank memos, I wasn't involved.
Nothing at all. Really.
And frankly, those shenanigans have no place in an office environment.
Hey, you guys!
Chandler's coming and he has incredible news.
So when he gets here, let's all act, like, you know
Never mind. But it was gonna be really good.
What's going on?
So it's a typical day at work...
...and Big Al tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.
-That is great! -Congratulations!
So I quit.
Why?
Why? This was a temp job.
Chandler, you've been there for five years.
I know, but if I took it, I'd be admitting that this is what I do.
Does that mean we have to start buying our own toilet paper?
That was Joey Tribbiani with the big picture. Dan?
Was it more money?
Doesn't matter. I just don't want to be a guy who sits in his office...
...worrying about the WENUS.
The "WENUS"?
Weekly estimated net usage system. It's a processing term.
Oh, that WENUS.
What will you do?
I don't know. But I won't figure it out working there.
I have something you can do!
I have this new massage client, Steve.
Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant...
...and he's looking for a head chef.
-Hi, there. -Hi.
I know. You're a chef and I thought of you first.
But Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
I just don't have a lot of chef-ing experience.
Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
What is he looking for?
He wants to do something eclectic.
He's looking for someone who can create the entire menu.
So, what do you think?
Thanks. I just don't see myself in a big, white hat.
Oh, Monica! Guess what?
a perfect run-up and there he goes, a perfect....
Watch stuff like this...
...and you realize why evolution is just a theory.
Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.
Where are you going?
I have an appointment with Dr. Robert Pilman, career counselor-a-go-go!
-I added the "a-go-go." -Career counselor?
You guys all know what you want to do.
I don't.
You guys in the living room all know what you want to do.
You have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!
The lesser-known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
I love my life! I love my life!
"Brian's Song"!
-The meeting went great? -So great!
He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be.
It's not too big or too small. It's just right.
Was it formerly owned by a blond woman and some bears?
I'm cooking for him Monday, kind of an audition.
Phoebe, he wants you here. It's great. You can make yummy noises.
-What are you gonna make? -Yummy noises.
-And Monica, what are you gonna make? -I don't know. It's gotta be great.
I know what you can make! I know!
You should make that thing with the stuff.
You know that thing with the stuff?
Okay, I don't know.
Anyone know a good date place in the neighborhood?
How about Tony's? If you finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
-Who are you going out with? -ls this the bug lady?
"I love you, Ross."
Her name is Celia and she's insect curator at the museum.
-What are you gonna do? -Go out to dinner...
...then bring her back to my place and introduce her to my monkey.
And he's not speaking metaphorically.
So back to your place? You thinking maybe....
Well, I don't know....
I'm hoping....
That monkey is a chick magnet.
She'll take one look at his cute, little face and it'll seal the deal.
Celia, don't worry. He's not gonna hurt you!
Soothing tones.
-Here, Marcel. -I can't stand this.
-He's got his claws on my -Yeah, all right.
Okay, try this salmon mousse.
Good.
Is it better than the other salmon mousse?
-It's creamier. -Yeah? Well, is that better?
I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish.
I'm just happy I'm keeping it down.
God, what happened to you?
Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests...
...intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn?
"You're suited for data processing for a large multinational corporation."
That's so great! You already know how to do that.
Can you believe it?
Don't I seem like I should be doing something cool?
I just always pictured myself doing something....
Something!
Chandler, I know, I know.
Hey, you can see your nipples through this shirt.
Maybe this will cheer you up.
I had a grape about five hours ago, so I better split this with you.
It's supposed to be small. It's a pre-appetizer.
The French call it an amuse-bouche.
Well, it is amusing.
Hi, Wendy. Yeah, 8:00.
What did we say, $10 an hour?
Okay, great. All right, I'll see you then.
-$10 an hour for what? -A waitress from work is helping me.
Waitressing?
Of course I thought of you. But....
-But.... -But, but....
But it's just this night has to go just perfect, you know?
Wendy's more of a professional waitress.
And I'm maintaining my amateur status so I can waitress in the Olympics.
I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at lnnsbruck in '76.
Took home a bronze.
Amuse-bouche?
Talk to me.
A weird thing happened on the train this morning
Talk dirty.
-Here? -Come on. Come on.
Say something hot.
What? What?
Vulva.
Vulva?
I panicked, all right? She took me by surprise.
But it wasn't a total loss. We ended up cuddling.
You cuddled? How many times?
Shut up. It was nice.
I don't think I'm a dirty-talking kind of guy.
Just say what you wanna do to her. Or what you want her to do to you.
Or what other people might be doing to each other.
I'll tell you what. Try something on me.
Please be kidding.
Why not?
Just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
I'm in my apartment....
-Yeah, what else? -You're not there.
-We're not having this conversation. -All right, I'll start. Ready?
Oh, Ross...
...you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.
-Now you say something. -I really don't think so.
You like this woman, right? You wanna see her again, right?
If you can't talk dirty to me, how will you talk dirty to her?
Now tell me you wanna caress my butt!
Okay, turn around.
I don't want you staring at me.
All right, I'm not looking. Go ahead.
Okay.
I want Okay, I want...
...to feel your hot, soft skin with my lips.
There you go. IKeep going, keep going.
I want to take my tongue and
Say it.
Say it!
run it all over your body...
... until you're trembling with
With?
-Funny story. -You're not gonna believe this.
I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
-The trembling thing was nice. -Shut up!
That guy from your old job called again.
-Again? -And again and again and again.
And again.
Hey, Mr. Costilick. How's life on the 1 5th floor?
Yeah, I miss you too.
It's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home.
That's very generous. But this isn't about the money.
I need more than a job. I need something I really care ab
That's on top of the year-end bonus?
Your dream!
Look, Al, I'm not playing hardball here, okay?
This is not a negotiation. This is a rejection!
Stop saying numbers!
I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy!
I'll see you Monday!
Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle.
This is a cube!
Look at this.
You have a window!
Yes, indeed-y. With a beautiful view of
Look! That guy's peeing!
That's enough of the view. Check this out.
Okay, sit down here.
This is great.
-You ready? -Yeah.
Helen, could you come in here?
Thank you, Helen. That'll be all.
Last time I do that. I promise.
-She doesn't seem very warm. -I know. She has no personality.
Wendy, don't do this to me.
We had a deal. Yeah, you promised.
-Who was that? -Wendy bailed.
I have no waitress.
That's too bad. Bye-bye.
Ten dollars an hour! Twelve dollars an hour!
I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.
When you ran out on your wedding, I was there.
I put a roof over your head! If that means nothing....
Twenty dollars an hour.
Done.
Hello. Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?
-Hi, Steve. -Hello, Monica.
Hello, greeter girl.
-This is Rachel. -Yeah, okay.
Everything smells so delicious.
I can't remember ever smelling such a delicious combination of
Okay, smells.
-It's a lovely apartment. -Thank you. Would you like a tour?
I was just being polite, but all right.
-What's up? -ln the cab on the way over...
...Steve blazed up a doobie.
What?
Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone. Weed, hemp, ganja
I'm with you, Cheech.
-Do you think he's gonna be cool? -ls it dry in here?
Let me get you some wine.
I think we're ready for our first course too.
These are rock shrimp ravioli in a cilantro ponzu sauce...
...with just a touch of minced...
...ginger.
Well, smack my ass and call me Judy!
-These are fantastic! -Gosh! I'm so glad you liked them.
Like them? I could eat 100 of them!
That's all there is of these...
...but in a few minutes, we'll serve some tartlets.
"Tartlets"?
"Tartlets."
Word has lost all meaning.
Excuse me. Can I help you with anything?
You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
Cool! Taco shells!
They're like a little corn envelope, you know?
-You don't wanna spoil your appetite. -Hey, Sugar-O's!
You know, if you just wait another 6 1 /2 minutes
Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
-No, we don't. -Oh, okay.
Sorry.
Why don't you just have a seat here?
-Give me the gummy bears. -No.
-Give them to me. -We'll share.
-No. Give me the bears. -You can't have any.
It's not worth it!
Bears overboard! They're drowning!
Don't just stand there. Call 9-1 -1.
Hey, fellas, grab onto a Sugar-O! Save yourselves!
Help! Help, I'm drowning!
-That's it! Dinner is over! -What! Why?
Why? What if I came into your office and I started...?
I can't think of an example.
I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this...
...and you can't wait 4 1 /2 minutes for a tartlet?
So I told him, "I'm sorry. That's how I feel."
And he told me I harsh-ed his buzz.
Then I said, "Don't eat that. It's a kitchen magnet."
And he didn't listen, so we left him in the emergency room.
-Mon, I'm sorry. -What a tool.
-You did the right thing. -You don't wanna work for that guy.
I just thought that this was it.
-Don't worry. You're an amazing chef. -Those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.
Am I gonna get paid for the full three hours?
Just a question. We'll talk about it later.
So, how did it go with Celia?
-I was unbelievable. -All right, Ross!
I was the James Michener of dirty talk.
It was the most elaborate filth ever heard.
I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif.
At one point, there were villagers.
And?
By the time we finished all the dirty talk...
...it was late and we were exhausted
-You cuddled. -Yeah, which was nice.
Do you guys want to try to catch a late movie?
-Shouldn't we wait for Chandler? -Where the hell is he?
I know what time it is...
...but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
Let me tell you something.
You will care about it because I care about it. Got it? Good!
How's this?
Sorry. How about over here?
That means it's working.
-Does this hurt? -No.
How about this?
There you go!
I'm gonna throw up!