Oh, look! There's Joey's picture!
This is so exciting!
You can spot someone who's never seen his plays.
Notice, no fear. No sense of impending doom.
"The role of man number three will not be played by Vic Shapiro. "
We came on the wrong night.
I can't believe I forgot a magazine.
-Come on, this might be good. -I don't know.
The exclamation point scares me. It's not just Freud, it's Freud!
Magic is about to happen!
Well, Eva...
...we've done some excellent work here.
And I would have to say...
...your problem is quite clear.
All you want is a dinkle
What you envy's a schwang
A thing through which you can tinkle
To play with or simply let hang
The One With the Butt
I feel violated.
Did anybody else feel like peeling their skin off...
...to have something else to do?
Ross, 1 0:00.
Is it? It feels like 2.
-No, 1 0:00! -What?
There's a beautiful woman at 8, 9, 1 0:00!
Hello!
She's amazing! She makes the women l dream about look like fat, bald men.
Go over. She's not with anyone.
And what would my opening line be? Excuse me....
Come on, she's a person. You can do it.
Could she be more out of my league? Back me up.
He couldn't get a woman like that in a million years.
You always see these beautiful women with "nothing" guys.
You could be one of those guys.
-You could do that. -You think?
Absolutely!
I can't believe I'm considering this.
-l' m very aware of my tongue. -Come on.
Here goes.
Stand back, everyone. Incoming ego shrapnel.
All right, I can do this.
-Yes? -Hi.
Okay, next word would be...
... Chandler.
Chandler is my name and....
Hi!
Yes, you said that.
Yes! Yes, I did. But what I didn't say....
What I wanted to say was...
...would you like to go out with me? Thank you. Good night.
Chandler?
-I didn't know you could dance! -You were in a play!
What'd you think?
-I didn't know you could dance! -You were in a play!
It wasn't that bad. I was the lead.
It was better than the troll thing. At least you got to see my head.
-You're right. -We saw your head.
How about that accent?
Yeah. All of your W's were V's.
She said yes!
Awful play, man!
Her name's Aurora. She's ltalian and she pronounces my name " Chandler. "
I like that better.
The usher gave me this.
-What is it? -The Estelle Leonard T alent Agency.
An agency left its card. They wanna sign me!
Based on this play?
Based on this play!
Look! There's a note on the back.
"Loved your work. Call me a sap. "
She was obviously very moved!
You should call her fairly quickly.
Yeah! As soon as possible!
Come in!
Hi. I'm here to see Estelle Leonard.
Just a moment, let me see if she's in.
Hello.
-You' re Estelle? -I know...
...you weren't expecting someone so fantastically beautiful.
Love lump. T ake a load off already, darling. Sit already.
I can't tell you how excited I am to be here.
Why not?
-What I meant was -You don't mind if I eat, do you?
Joey...
...sweetheart, let me ask you a question.
Did you ever see the movie Sleepless in Seattle?
-Wow! Do you represent those actors? -No.
But you know the end, where they' re happy?
That's gonna be you and me.
You mean you wanna sign me?
No, I wanna go to the top of the Empire State Building and make out.
Of course I wanna sign you!
-Miss Leonard, I'm so -Oh, boy.
-Ride them, cowboy. -l' m sorry!
I don't see it!
-T ry to look through it. -Unfocus your eyes.
Focus? There's nothing to focus on.
-It's the Statue of Liberty! -Right!
-Where's the Statue of Liberty? -There.
I can't not see it now.
Hey, kids!
Come here. Do you see anything here?
-lt looks like a boat. -A boat.
Right in front of the Statue of Liberty.
It's been seven seconds, and you haven't asked me how my date went.
How was your date, Chandler?
It was unbelievable!
I've never met anyone like her. She's had an amazing life!
She was in the Israeli army.
None of the bullets hit the engine, so we made it to the border.
But just barely, and l....
I've been talking about myself all night long. I'm sorry.
What about you? T ell me a story.
All right, once...
... I got on the subway.
And it was at night...
...and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn.
Just for the hell of it.
We talked until 2:00. It was perfect.
More or less.
Suddenly, we realized we were in Yemen.
I' m sorry, so "we" is...?
"We" is me and Rick.
Who's Rick?
My husband.
-Oh, so you' re divorced? -No.
I' m sorry. So you' re widowed? Hopefully?
No, l' m still married.
So, how would your husband feel about you sitting here with me...
...sliding your foot so far up my leg you can count the change in my pocket?
Don't worry.
He'd be okay with you because he's okay with Ethan.
Ethan? There's an Ethan?
Ethan is my boyfriend.
What?
What kind of relationship do you imagine us having...
...if you have a husband and a boyfriend?
I suppose, mainly sexual.
Sorry it didn't work out.
What, not work out? I'm seeing her again on Thursday.
Didn't you listen to the story?
Didn't you listen? It's twisted!
How could you get involved with her?
I had trouble with it at first. But I get the good stuff.
All the fun, all the talking, all the sex...
...and none of the responsibility.
-This is every guy's fantasy! -That's not true!
-Ross, is this your fantasy? -No, of course not.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
You'd go out with someone going out with someone else?
-I couldn't. -Good for you.
When l' m with a woman, I need to know...
... I' m going out with more people than her.
Once, I went out with a guy who just got divorced.
It was hard. His kids liked me better than him.
What does this have to do with Chandler?
Nothing.
I didn't have anything on that topic.
So I went another way.
You know, monogamy can be a tricky concept.
I mean, anthropologically speaking
Fine. Now you'll never know.
We' re kidding. T ell us.
-We wanna know. -Come on!
All right. There's a theory put forth by Richard Leakey
Are we greeting each other this way now? I like it.
Look! I cleaned!
I did the windows. I did the floors.
I used all the vacuum attachments but the round one. What's it for?
Nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
What do you think?
-It's very clean. -Really, it looks great!
I see you moved the green ottoman.
How did that happen?
I don't know. It looked better there.
And it's an extra seat around the table.
Yeah, it's interesting.
But you know what? Just for fun...
...Iet's see what it looked like in the old spot.
Just to compare.
Let's see.
Well, it looks good there too.
Let's leave it there for a while.
I can't believe you moved the green ottoman.
Be glad you didn't fan the magazines. She'll scratch your eyes out.
-You guys, I am not that bad! -Yeah, you are.
Remember, I lived with you? You were a little....
That is so unfair!
When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy.
Okay, so I'm responsible. I'm organized.
But hey, I can be a kook!
All right, you madcap gal!
Imagine this.
The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
-Why not? -Because you're a kook!
You wait until they send a notice.
I could do that.
Okay, then you let me go grocery shopping
-No problem. -I'm not done yet.
And I buy detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
Why would someone do that?
One might wonder.
But I would be fine with that.
A glass is on the table with no coaster. A cold drink. A hot day.
Beads of condensation are inching closer to the wood....
Stop it!
Oh, my God!
It's true. Who am l?
Monica, you' re Mom.
Oh, my God!
Okay, I'll be there.
That was my agent.
My agent has just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie!
-That's great! -What's the part?
Can you believe it? Pacino! This guy's why I became an actor!
" Out of order? You' re out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order! "
Seriously, what's the part?
"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! "
Come on. Seriously, Joey, what's the part?
You' re.... What?
I' m his butt double, okay?
I play Al Pacino's butt.
All right? He goes into the shower, and then...
... I' m his butt.
Oh, my God!
Come on, you guys.
It's a real Pacino movie and that's big!
It's terrific. You deserve this.
After years of struggling you've cracked your way into show business.
Fine. Make jokes, I don't care.
-This is a big break for me! -You' re right. It is.
So, will you invite us to the big opening?
-I need some moisturizer. -For what?
T oday's the big day!
You got any tweezers? I think I have a rogue hair.
God. Go in the bathroom. Use whatever you want.
Don't ever tell me what you did in there.
Thank you.
-Joey's mom's on the phone. -ln the bathroom.
-You don't wanna go in there! -Come on, we' re roommates.
My eyes! My eyes!
I warned you.
Who is being loud?
Oh, that would be Monica.
Can I borrow stuff? I wanna make Aurora breakfast.
You got the whole night?
Well, I only have 20 minutes until Ethan, so....
Do I sense resentment?
No. No resentment. Believe me...
...it's worth it, okay?
In a relationship, you have moments you'll remember the rest of your life.
Every single second is like that with Aurora.
I've just wasted 35 of them talking to you.
So, Monica, can you help me with the door?
The old Monica would remind you...
...to scrub that T eflon pan with a plastic brush.
But l' m not gonna do that.
Excuse me? Can they warm it up? I' m concerned about goose bumps.
Everybody ready?
I wanna thank you for this opportunity.
I mean, I know this is just a first step, but I hope that someday
Lose the robe.
Right. Okay. Losing the robe!
Okay, and the robe is lost.
I would like to get this in one take.
Let's roll it.
Water's working.
And action!
And cut!
Butt guy, what are you doing?
I'm showering.
No, that was clenching.
The way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know?
His wife's dead, his brother's missing.
I think his butt would be angry here.
I think his butt would like to get the shot before lunch.
Once again, rolling. Water working.
And action!
And cut! What was that?
I was going for quiet desperation.
But if you have to ask....
God, I love these fingers.
Thank you.
No, actually, I meant my fingers.
Look at them. Look at how happy they are.
-Oh, my God, l' m late! -Oh, no!
-Don't go. -Okay.
-I have to. -Look, she's leaving.
I' m sorry. He'll be waiting for me.
-I thought you talked to Rick. -It's not Rick.
Ethan? He gets the whole day!
No, it's Andrew.
I know there'll be moments...
...when I'll regret asking the following question, but....
-And Andrew is? -He's...
... new.
So you' re not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?
No, that's not exactly what I was
Most women would kill...
...for three guys like us.
-So, what do you want? -You.
-You have me. -No. Just you.
-What do you mean? -Lose the other guys.
Like, all of them?
Come on, we' re great together. Why not?
Can't we have what we have now?
Why can't we talk and make love...
...without feeling obligated to each other?
Up until tonight, I thought that's what you wanted too.
Well, part of me wants that...
... but it's like l' m two guys. One guy's saying, "This is great! "
But there's this other guy.
The guy who wells up when the Grinch's heart grows...
...and breaks that measuring device.
He's saying, you know, "This is too hard. Get out! "
So, which one of the guys will you listen to?
I have to listen to both. They don't let each other finish.
Which one?
The second guy.
I see.
Call me if you change your mind.
Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.
Look at it this way. You dumped her!
Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy...
...and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable.
T ell me why you did this again?
Movie star!
Wait! Aren't you the guy who plays the butt in the new Pacino movie?
Nope.
No? What happened, big guy?
Big guy?
It felt like a "big guy" moment.
I got fired!
They said I acted too much with it.
I told everybody about this!
-Everybody's expecting to see me. -lKnow what?
-No one will be able to tell. -My mom will.
There's something so sweet and disturbing about that.
I've done crappy plays for six years...
...and I finally get my shot, and I blow it!
Maybe this wasn't it.
I think when it's your shot, you know it's your shot.
Did it feel like your shot?
Hard to tell. I was naked.
I don't think this was it. I don't think you just get one.
I believe things are gonna happen for you. I do.
You've got to think about the day some kid will go:
"l got the part! I'm gonna be Joey T ribbiani's ass! "
You think? That's so nice.
I' m sorry, Joey. I' m gonna go to bed, guys.
-Good night. -Good night.
You' re gonna leave your shoes out here?
Really? Just casually strewn about...
...in that reckless, haphazard manner?
It doesn't matter. I'll get them tomorrow. Or not!
Whenever.
She is a kook.
If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes.
No, don 't do this!
This is stupid!
I don 't have to prove anything. I'm gonna get them.
But then everyone will know.
Unless I get them, then wake up really early and put them back.
I need help!
-All you want is a dinkle -Not that song!
-All you envy's a schwang -Come on, you guys.
A thing through which you can tinkle
Or play with or simply let hang
All you want is a dinkle
What you envy's a schwang
A thing through which you can tinkle
Or play with or simply let hang