( orchestral music playing )
* hallelujah *
* hal... *
* le... *
* lu... *
* jah *
( crowd cheering )
i only suggested you might want to try something
a bit kinkier this evening.
Grr!
Oh, Jeff, do couples stay like this forever?
Radio: hallelujah, hallelujah *
it's not a mole.
Was it there yesterday?
It's a large freckle.
You think it's large?
Oh, see a doctor if you're worried.
I'm not worried, I'm large-freckled.
Was i large-freckled yesterday?
I don't remember.
I don't memorize your large freckles.
Suddenly it's plural.
Do you remember my freckles?
Some of them.
Some of them?
I'm gonna get the death book.
I'm not overly freckled.
I didn't say you were.
Do i have freckles i don't know about?
Obviously. I'm sorry?
Well, there are... Angles.
Angles?
In a relationship,
you get seen from certain angles.
I take it we're talking about an angle
i can't see myself from?
If you could see yourself from this angle,
you wouldn't need a relationship.
So, what? You're down there counting freckles?
( sighs )
where is the death book?
It's not a death book.
It's a health encyclopedia.
Have you read it?
Every illness you look up,
it gives you a life expectancy.
Who even mentioned life?
I'm fairly sure i am, at worst, lightly freckled.
Susan, please!
I'm facing certain death,
can we move on from your nether freckling?
How much nether freckling are we talking about?
( sighs )
light to intermittent.
What?!
Well, it's hardly noticeable.
It's not like i can't find anything.
Well, actually, it is quite like that.
How could you not notice my freckle?
Well, you didn't notice it.
It's on my ass.
I don't have eyes in my ass.
So what are those things?
Very funny.
Not all of us are obsessive freckle noticers.
You are not, i promise you, overly freckled.
You have one or two at the most.
I hardly notice them at all now.
Now?
You know, you notice things at the beginning,
don't you?
You notice what's new.
New? Different.
Different from--
well, different from the last...
The last what?
Time?
Different from Jane.
Generally different. I meant generally.
So nice to know that the first time we were intimate,
you were busy noticing all the little differences
from perfect, freckle-free Jane.
No, no, no. I hardly noticed any difference at all!
You do realize, of course,
you were just feeling guilty.
About?
Your poor freckle recall.
Oh, there she is.
Jane's breasts scare me.
They're like Mickey mouse's ears--
whatever way she turns, they're still facing you.
Steve: What, and that's the guy?
Yeah, presumably.
The vicar who never has sex?
He's not a vicar.
He's a religious broadcaster
who happens not to believe in sex before marriage.
What, never, ever has sex?
Yeah, and you're not supposed to know.
What happens to a person
if they never, ever have sex?
Susan: Stop thinking about it
because you'll say something.
Of course i won't!
Just don't let everybody know that you know.
Hello. Hi.
James, this is Susan and Steve.
Good to meet you.
Ow! Sorry, that's quite a grip you've got there.
You must work out.
I don't mean just your hand.
So you're going out with Jane, then?
Susan: And here's Patrick and Sally.
Thank God.
Uh, that they're safe in this dangerous modern world.
Can i have a tiny, quick word? What?
Just having a tiny, quick word with Susan.
Susan? Yeah?
Haven't we met before?
Sorry, i don't remember-- come on!
Susan, i really, really need your help.
It's totally important.
What's wrong this time?
What's wrong?
I'm in an all new kind of hell.
I'm in a relationship, and I'm not allowed to have sex.
It's like being a man.
Well, what can i do?
Well, just, you know, be a little less perfect.
Try and crease your face a bit,
you don't do that enough.
And, now and then, maybe you could,
you know, scratch.
I'm sorry?
I just don't want him distracted.
That man has over 30 years of stored-up sex.
When he finally cracks,
i want him pointing in the right direction.
Jane, what makes you think
i would ever steal a man from you?
Well...Steve.
Again.
Please, Susan, just let me keep this one.
Look at him.
It's like he's still in the wrapper,
totally un-girlfriended.
Sometimes when he looks at me,
i see his face as a fresh fall of snow.
And i want to make the first footprint.
Well, you've got nothing to worry about.
I mean, look at you.
You're like a one-woman breast attack.
Really? Do you think so?
Some days there's about 12 of them.
Twelve? Really?
Yeah. And less of the perfect.
Apparently, i have nether freckling.
You're not freckled.
No, Jane, nether freckling.
Oh, no! Really?
Yeah. And the word from Steve is you're clear.
Well, that's no help.
That's not a useful place to have a good side.
True.
It's not like i can accidentally arrange
for him to see me at that angle.
I've frightened men off that way before.
You see, we're not actually a couple.
A lot of people make that mistake, but we're not.
We're friends.
We did have a sort of brief flingette--
that's probably what you're picking up on.
But it's all over.
And we're totally relaxed about that,
it's really no big deal.
We're even trying to see less of each other,
so we can develop other relationships.
Which is great.
We're mr. And Mr.. Cool...
Except not married.
Which is fantastic.
Actually, i don't even know how
you got me onto this boring old subject.
What was the question?
As i recall, "hello."
Hello, yourself.
And is this Patrick?
Yes, this is Patrick. Here he is.
You speak now, Patrick.
Hi.
Good to meet you... At last.
Likewise.
So i gather you're not a couple?
No, no, no, definitely not.
I mean, we go out, but we don't have sex.
Well, this is great.
Jane's been telling me all about you guys.
I feel like i know you all already.
Jeff: Guys, emergency!
How long do intestines take?
Are you Jeff?
What?
I think you're gonna fit right in.
This is Jane's new boyfriend, remember?
I don't have much time.
I've got to get back to Julia.
Oh, so you're with Julia at the moment?
Yeah, well, we're sort of in the middle of something.
You have no idea the level to which we're getting that.
Is he the one who doesn't--
we've covered that!
Okay.
Okay, if you-- if you swallowed something,
something valuable, say,
how long before it found its way...
Back to the light.
Back to the light?
The light at the end of the--
yes, Jeff, thank you, i have the image.
Once again, a dark new place has opened in my mind.
I just need to know how long before it's ringside.
Dark place number 3,008.
Why are you all staring at me?
Jeff, do you maybe want to fill us in
on what you and Julia have been up to?
Well, we were...
We were spending a quiet evening
in front of the television.
And, in the course of events,
i swallowed some of her jewelry.
You what?
There was a swallowage incident.
I swallowed an item. Right.
Now, normally when i swallow Julia's jewelry,
it doesn't really-- Jeff, please!
Normally has never been used
in that sentence before.
Well, you know what it's like
when you've got your own actual,
real-life girlfriend.
It's like you've got a woman with a nudity switch.
And sometimes when she's lying there,
and she's just so...
So totally naked, i can't control myself.
I just sort of... Hoover.
Okay.
Obviously, now and then,
in the course of any kind of nudity hoovering,
you're gonna ingest items,
it's just part of a relationship.
But she doesn't usually notice,
so normally i remain calm, let nature take its course,
and, in due time, slip the relevant items
back into her jewelry box.
I see.
I don't mean directly.
I was clinging to that hope.
But this time it's more urgent.
I don't have so much time.
Why?
I've been to the chemists.
I bought every laxative in the shop.
What happens if i take all of them at once?
Do you think there's a danger of lift off?
Jeff, on a possibly related subject...
Yeah?
You and Julia weren't just watching television,
were you?
What makes you say that?
Jeff, um...
Do you have a secret identity,
or are you, perhaps, waging a one-man war
against the forces of evil?
Can it be true, mild-mannered Jeff murdoch,
are you...spank man?
Right.
Fine.
So here we are, then.
Yup.
I suppose, thinking about it,
this would be why they were so helpful at the chemist.
Yup.
And crying.
Yup.
And didn't charge me.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway...
Better be, you know.
Getting back. Yeah.
Oh, and Jeff?
Yeah?
You ingest items?
Fact of life.
The longer a man doesn't see a woman naked,
the more he turns into a giant Hoover pig.
Steve: Jeff!
Julia. Right, yes.
Um, see you, guys. Got to go.
Julia: Jeff?
I'm back.
Where the hell have you been?
Just, uh, getting something from the shops.
The what?
Is something wrong, dear?
Is something wrong?
Jeff, i suggested you tie me up
and treat me mean.
And you went out shopping for an hour!
Well, it was only my first attempt.
Well, shopping for what, for God's sake?
Provisions.
Provisions?
Well, yeah, i thought
what with all this bondage sex going on,
I'd better get some sandwiches.
Jeff, come here.
Okay.
Did you get nervous again?
Kind of nervous, yeah.
As bad as brighton?
About that bad.
Well, I'm glad you didn't make it
that far this time.
Are you okay now?
Yeah, pretty much.
Now, what did you really buy, you naughty boy?
Something for me?
Well, not exactly.
Something for us, for tonight?
Well, for the near future, yes.
Baby oil? Whipped cream?
This has nothing to do with our current activity.
This is for my own internal purposes.
( doorbell rings )
oh, bollocks, that'll be my parents.
Your parents?!
Could you undo these?
I forgot they might come 'round.
( panting )
Jeff!
Um, this all brings me
to what exactly happened to the handcuff key.
Oh, my God!
You haven't lost it, have you?
Very much not the case, in fact.
You had it in your teeth,
remember, when you were folding your clothes.
Yes.
I suggested it was time you started acting
a bit more like a proper dominant male,
and you did a darth vader impression.
Darth vader, while chiefly famous for breathing out,
also... ( doorbell rings )
oh, Jeff, come on!
Just coming!
Well, you've got the key.
Yes, i have, i have the key,
but i--it fell.
Where?
Out of reach.
Out of reach where?
Out of reach!
Okay, stay calm.
Is it under something?
Well, yes, in all probability.
And your arm isn't long enough to reach it?
I'm almost certain that's true.
Well, my dad's quite wiry, he could have a try.
I really can't picture that happening.
( doorbell rings ) answer the door.
We can sort it out in a minute.
Yes, yes. Okay.
Hello, I'm very sorry, but...
Where's Julia?
She's, um...
I'll wait.
Um...
Who are you?
Joe. Who are you?
Jeff.
I don't think she's ever mentioned a Jeff.
I don't think she's ever mentioned a Joe.
I'm her boyfriend.
So what got you into radio in the first place?
Broadcasting has always been my ambition.
I mean, for me, radio-- it's not just a stop gap.
I genuinely believe it's the ultimate medium.
I think so, too.
And, also, it's a wonderful stepping Stone
to television, which is the important thing.
No, i like radio. I listen in the car.
Me, too.
I find the radio excellent for driving
because it never really distracts you.
It's very clever how you guys manage that.
Susan, do you listen to the radio at all?
No, she doesn't.
Well, I've heard your show a couple of times, James.
Really, what's it like?
Good.
Good, i thought, really good.
Thanks.
I've been listening to your show, too, James.
I just forgot all about it.
I'm really glad to know you're one of our listeners.
And, i have to say, a little surprised.
Susan has unexpected depths.
She's like an iceberg, all spotty.
So, do you listen in the car like everyone else?
I listen in the bath.
I have twelve breasts!
Sorry, i was rounding up.
Did you used to work
in Chelsea and westminster hospital?
No, not really my line.
Funny. I'm getting you in a nurse's uniform.
Yes, thank you, Jeff, that will be all!
Sorry, he's not here, is he?
Oh, dear God, I've internalized him.
I can't picture Susan as a nurse at all.
I see her more as half woman, half leopard.
So were you in hospital radio or something?
I think it's good the way
they put radio stations in hospitals.
It's an intelligent use of space.
Actually, i was a paramedic...
A long time ago.
You were a paramedic?
How long have you been away?
Long enough.
( sighs )
that's--that's quite a long time, isn't it?
I mean, it's longer than not long enough.
And you're in the army?
I'm in the forces.
What do you do?
I go to foreign countries and kill people.
Anywhere nice?
I can't talk about it.
You're a bit upset.
No.
Have you ever killed anyone...locally?
You got a problem with your ears?
Well, sometimes i think
they're a slightly different color
from the rest of my head.
I said i can't talk about it.
Oh, i see. That's interesting.
Go on.
I still don't know what you're doing here.
Oh, um, nothing.
I--i--i just like to hang around girls' flats.
When i rang the doorbell, i thought i heard Julia's voice.
That was me. That was me.
Sometimes i like to talk to myself
in a woman's voice.
For company.
For company?
Just when I'm on my own.
You know...i like to play a game of girlfriend.
( in High-pitched voice ) hello, Jeffrey,
you're home at last.
Go and tidy your room.
So how did you meet Julia?
In a bar a few years ago.
She was getting some grief off a couple of idiots,
so i helped her out.
I don't like seeing women being mistreated.
It sets me off.
I've got it-- Manchester airport.
I worked there once.
No, sorry.
Are you getting me as a stewardess now?
If you were a paramedic,
then you were a sort of doctor?
Oh, for God's sake.
What?
If Steve now shows you his ass,
please try to remain calm.
Well, maybe if you paid me a bit more attention,
i wouldn't have to show my ass to strangers.
Steve is now sulking
because I'm not a proper girlfriend
and failed to memorize a mole on his ass.
Oh, you mean the one right at the top?
Yes!
Oh, don't worry, you've had that for years.
Are you sure? Definitely.
Oh, that's a relief.
That's a relief, isn't it?
What, you're really gonna rely on Jane's memory?
You guys split up two years ago.
Looks a bit like this.
That's it!
That's it exactly.
Thank you so much. That's brilliant!
Look, Susan, that's my mole!
Isn't that a good drawing of my mole that Jane did?
Got to admire the talent.
I'm just so sorry i haven't got
her level of recall.
No, that's fine. That's okay.
I'm okay with that.
I mean, we're all okay really, aren't we?
So you used to go out with Steve, then?
Oh, yeah, just for a bit.
Actually, now that i remember,
you've got another mole-- 'round the front,
top of the thigh.
No, he doesn't. Yes, he does.
No, i don't. Shut up!
Actually, Susan, you're thinking of Patrick.
He's got a mole up there.
Yeah, that's it, that's mine.
That's the one you're thinking of.
Had it for years.
Hey, thanks for noticing.
I'll keep an eye on it if you like.
That could be our relationship.
We could be mole buddies.
Yeah.
I can keep an eye on yours.
Get a magazine!
Okay, I'm so sorry I'm not sufficiently blemish retentive.
It's just not in my skill base.
And pardon me for only having a degree in economics.
Maybe i should go back and study asses.
Know any good courses, Jane?
Well, actually-- economics?
At Oxford poly?
Yeah.
I don't believe it.
I'm sorry?
I had much longer hair and a beard.
And a motorbike.
Oh, my God!
It's been a long time.
Saddle man!
Freckles!
You never called me freckles.
Well, no, in fact, i didn't.
Not to your face.
Why are you going into her bedroom?
I'm tired.
Also, additionally,
i was supposed to pick up some files.
I forgot they're in her room.
Who the hell is this?
Well, he's a sort of ex.
Sort of?
Jeff, he can go a bit mad sometimes.
So, what's going on here, then?
Little sex game, is it?
What? Sex? No!
No, we don't have sex.
Wouldn't dream of having sex.
Absolutely no sex going on here.
Then why is she handcuffed to the bed?
We...had a disagreement.
You had a what?
She was out of line.
I was forced to... Arrest her.
Joe, for God's sake.
I haven't seen you in two years.
You have no right.
And, yes, this is the man i am currently dating.
Right. That's another month sewing mail bags for you.
The handcuff key, please.
I've lost it.
Give me the key now.
I really have lost it.
Aah!
Joe! Cut that out now!
( gasps )
you all right, Jeff?
Jeff: Just got a bit of a fright!
Okay.
On the plus side, though,
I've found the key.
I can't believe this. This is a nightmare!
Well, I'm sorry, it's not exactly on purpose.
You've slept with my boyfriend.
Well, you've slept with my boyfriend.
Susan, i haven't slept with my boyfriend.
Okay, you win.
This is all my fault.
I should have said something.
There was a time before i found religion.
God and Susan.
Can't you love anybody normal?
Apparently not.
Jane.
There's something else i should have said.
Where is he?
Coffee shop down the road.
Just what he needs... Caffeine.
You never mentioned a Joe.
It was complicated.
Complicated, as in serious?
He's not as bad as he seems.
He really wouldn't have hurt you.
In fairness, i wouldn't have hurt him either.
Well, aren't you gonna let me go?
Yeah. Sorry, of course.
Germany?
For a few months.
How many's a few?
Can a few be less than one?
I don't think so.
Okay. The whole time you're away I'll--
here's what i was thinking.
My life's very different from yours...
And your friends'.
So the whole time I'm away
is something I'm never going to ask you about.
I think we both need to do some thinking...
About choices, don't you?
It's funny watching you putting your clothes on.
It's like the opposite of good.
I'll probably be a while.
You can head off home if you want.
Okay.
I'd better get down there.
I should've mentioned Joe to you, I'm sorry.
I don't know why you put up with me.
Well, sometimes you're just so naked.
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever to know? *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
* a million times i ask you *
* and then *
* i ask you over again *
* you only answer *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
* perhaps *
you okay?
Yeah.
It's good about my mole, isn't it?