* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know? *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps *
Patrick: For God's sake!
You get a glass.
A glass, piece of card.
All you need.
( ringing )
you get a glass, a piece of card...
Patrick.
You place the glass over the spider...
I know.
You slide the piece of card under the glass,
so trapping the spider.
Yes.
Keeping the card firmly against the glass,
you go to the door and release the spider into the wild!
Patrick, i think we should talk.
Where is it? Could you just listen a moment?
Where's the spider? Patrick, please.
Have you ever had a dream about someone
maybe you shouldn't have dreamed about?
Maybe because you've been spending
a little bit too much time thinking about them
and then really needed to talk to them,
maybe at a slightly inconvenient hour of the night?
For God's sake, Sally, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I know. No spider?
No spider, far as i know.
Why did you phone me?
If you've got someone bubbling around in your subconscious,
it's really quite understandable--
some of us don't have dreams.
Some of us don't have subconsciouses.
Why did you phone me?
Patrick, I'm trying to explain.
I didn't phone you.
You didn't?
Nope.
Are you sure?
Yep.
There was no actual...phone call?
Last time we spoke was 6:00 this evening.
You wanted to go to the cinema. I told you i had a date.
This doesn't make any sense.
Why would i dream you had a spider in your bedroom?
Incidentally, this is Peter.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Okay, the area seems secure.
Patrick? Patrick maitland?
Peter Wilkins?
Right.
I don't believe it!
I haven't seen you in ages.
You still working at the same place?
Still trying not to.
( both laughing )
bloody hell. I had no idea you knew Sally.
Oh, well, we only met this evening.
So, um...what have you two been up to?
Okay, probably better be off now.
There's a good idea.
Do you want a lift?
I beg your pardon.
I mean, sorry. Are you guys finished?
Sally: No! Yes.
Always the same with men, isn't it?
Looks like a starter handle,
works like an "off" switch.
Patrick, lovely to see you.
Terribly sweet of you to pop round.
Now you must go away very quickly.
Whilst I'm sure Peter is grateful
for your offer of a lift,
it's time you understood that not all men have
an uncontrollable desire to leave the moment they've had sex.
Oh, uh...
For God's sake!
It's just, uh, I've got this early start.
Trust me, you've got quite an early finish.
Good night, Peter.
Night.
Night-night, spider-man.
You okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, fine.
Right. Good. See ya.
Spider-man?
You know, I've never really thought of Patrick as dreaming.
It's not like his mind is that active during the day.
But how do we interpret the dream?
That's the point.
I know all about interpretation.
The question is, what do you, Sally, symbolize to Patrick?
Symbolize?
My therapist has this brilliant theory.
She says the people who appear to you are symbols.
It's like you're the only real person,
and everybody else are just aspects of your subconscious.
In dreams?
You know, she probably was talking about dreams.
That's quite disappointing, actually.
You know when i first met Patrick.
Yeah, when he was going out with me.
Just before that. Before?
Remember your office party three or four years ago?
Yeah, when i met Patrick.
Well, that's when i met him, too.
What were you doing there?
You invited me.
I did?
Sally, come on.
I found the food. I don't know if you want--
sorry. I thought you were my girlfriend.
No problem.
Jane!
Why did i invite you to my office party?
I don't know.
I think you were feeling a bit insecure.
Be honest with me, okay?
In this dress, do i have a hint of vastness?
No.
Seriously? Below the waist, does it say,
"look what's washed up on the beach, boys-- the settlement is saved"?
( laughs ) you look great.
I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.
How can my bottom be doing this to me?
I'm dieting enough for ten women!
Oh, Sally, come on.
Do you think there's such a thing as airborne calories?
Maybe they just jump directly onto your hips.
Look, the idea was you'd come to my office party
and meet attractive men.
There's a time for staring in the mirror and hating yourself,
and that time is tomorrow morning. Now, come on!
So, any of these men my type?
Bastard.
One of them.
( pop music playing in background )
ooh, back in a sec. I've just gotta get someone.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
It was just a dream?
She never phoned me. I dreamt the whole thing.
Scary. Very.
What does that mean? Why did i do that? What do you think?
Okay, maybe i can help you.
You know jelly wrestling?
Jelly wrestling?
Which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it.
We're familiar with the concept, yes.
Okay, well, think about this.
Afterwards, after the wrestling,
what happens to the jelly?
The jelly?
Because you could sell that.
That is a missed opportunity.
You could bottle and sell it.
Okay.
You take the women out first, obviously.
Good.
There'd just be a hint.
Are you in any way
moving in the direction of relevance?
Relevance?
Steve, do you realize what i just invented?
Porn jelly.
The human race's two most favorite things meet at last
in dessert form. Jeff.
There's a lot of lonely people out there, Steve.
And what do lonely people enjoy?
Puddings and pornography.
Now for all your needs, pudding porn.
It's a girlfriend in a jar, except it's jelly.
Jeff, can i ask again how this is relevant to Patrick's dream?
I was kind of hoping something would come up.
Okay.
The dream.
Why should i dream about Sally?
Well, you had that nearly thing.
It was a disaster.
A flop. Okay.
Maybe it's an emotional thing.
A what?
You know, an emotional...thing.
And yet you have 8,000 words for breasts.
And counting.
I think what Jeff is trying to say
in his frighteningly limited way
is that you and Sally are friends now.
Maybe what's going on here is a whole new Scary
kind of emotional... Thing.
Why should i be getting emotional about Sally?
How long have you been friends with her?
A while now. A few years.
Patrick, you don't have female friends.
You have a completely different agenda with women.
I don't have an agenda.
That's a bit offensive, actually.
I'm perfectly capable of being friends with women without any kind of agenda.
For how long? As long as it takes.
Exactly.
Sally's different, isn't she?
What, you mean there's some kind of emotional...
Thing. Thing.
Let's look at the evidence.
She told you she had a date.
You spent an entire evening knowing she was out there with another man.
That night, you go crashing into her bedroom
convinced she's being attacked by a "spider."
That about right?
But is there anything we can read into that?
What if she's the one? The one?
For you. We tried. It was awful.
A flop. Okay.
But why do you think it was awful?
Why?
When you first met Sally, you were going out with Susan.
She was Susan's best friend. So?
So, what if, at the time of... ( whispers ) the flop...
You were thinking about her in a different way?
What if you'd still been thinking about Sally
as your girlfriend's best friend?
Yeah, that probably would have worked, actually.
It wasn't a suggestion.
Oh.
Of course, there's one tiny problem with that.
I actually met Sally first.
You did?
Yeah, it was some party at Susan's office years ago.
Sally was there.
I was probably there, too.
No, it was just a bunch of stiffs.
Face it, only stiffs would go to your office parties.
What do you call all the things that aren't sausages?
Things.
Things?
With kind of... Things on them.
And yet you have 3,000 words for breasts.
And counting.
Where's Jane?
She went to the loo, didn't she?
I better check on her. She's being a bit weird.
Samantha!
Patrick.
Here i am, bang on time. See? I remembered.
Oh, for God's sake.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Pleased? Yeah.
Only last night, you were going on
about how i always forget everything, never pay you any attention,
never really engage in the relationship.
Yes. And then i dumped you.
Oh.
Oh, sorry. I must have drifted off towards the end.
Patrick...
I'm going to go and talk to anyone else in the universe now.
In the event that hell freezes over,
please don't phone me to talk about it.
Got it that time.
Sorry.
You know what i think?
You mean, sometimes you don't just tell us?
What if Patrick's your destiny?
We tried. It didn't work.
You know what?
You didn't snog him fast enough.
I'm sorry?
The first snog is so important.
It tells you so much-- what they're like in bed, what they like to eat.
Sally's got this special first snog all planned
for when she meets mr. Right, since she was 15.
It's not a whole plan. It's just the music.
What music?
The aria from madame butterfly.
Well, if you're going to be stuck remembering something for the rest of your life,
it better be good.
So Patrick's not gonna be the one you remember?
Patrick's not the one. I'm almost sure.
Almost?
It's too late for me and Sally. I know her too well.
That's why it didn't work.
By the time i saw her naked, she was, like, a person.
Where's the fun in that?
So at the very start, what did you think?
Yeah, before she became all person-y.
What was the first conversation?
Well, there was food.
Oh, sorry.
No problem. Don't worry.
Quite a spread.
Amazing spread.
Sausage, sausages, sausages, sausages.
Yeah.
Sausages.
So, this your office, then?
Well, no.
How did you get to the party, then?
Bmw m3, midnight blue.
Naught to 60 in 5 seconds, on to 100 in another 6.
Sequential semi-automatic gearbox, traction control,
and Black leather seats.
Oh.
Have you tried the sausages? They're fab.
Best sausages I've ever tasted.
Excellent sausages.
Oh, hello.
Hi. Very pleased to meet you.
This is Susan. Susan, this is, um...
Patrick. Patrick maitland. And...
Sally.
Well, how about this?
Two beautiful women and me.
I see. So you're the kind of man
who only notices women if they're beautiful.
What makes you say that?
Actually, it wasn't me.
Oh, i see.
You've been talking to some of my friends, then, haven't you?
I know, i know. Ugly women can have feelings, too,
which frankly doesn't improve them any.
Well, anyway, um, we'll see you later, okay?
Yeah, i hope so. That'd be very nice.
So, tell me, with women like that in this office,
how do you blokes manage to keep your minds on your work?
You really are a sad, sick bastard, you know that?
So what was it like before he opened his mouth, then?
What was the first eye-contact moment? Can you remember?
Was there a spark?
I don't know!
We were standing at a buffet table.
Sorry.
No problem. Don't worry.
Quite a spread.
Amazing spread.
Satay, vol-au-vents, quail's eggs.
Yeah, sausages.
So, this your office, then?
Well, no.
How'd you get to the party, then?
Car.
Oh.
Have you tried the cruditã©s? They're fab.
Best smoked salmon I've ever tasted.
Excellent sausages.
Hello.
Hi. Very pleased to meet you.
This is Susan. Susan, this is, um...
Patrick. Patrick maitland. And...
Sally.
And morag.
Hello, Patrick. Very pleased to meet you.
Right, yeah.
Well, how about this?
Two beautiful women and me.
I see. So you're the kind of man
that only notices women if they're beautiful, then.
What makes you say that?
Actually, it wasn't me.
I know, i know, ugly women can have feelings, too,
which frankly doesn't improve them any.
For God's sake!
Well, anyway, um, we'll see you later, okay?
Yeah, i hope so. That'd be great.
So tell me, with women like that in this office,
how do you blokes manage to keep your minds on your work?
You really are a sad, sick bastard, you know that?
And that was it?
That was it.
That was the exciting first meeting of Sally and spider-man.
Spider-man? Oh, because of the spider dream.
That's clever, isn't it?
I talked to him again later, didn't i? At the end?
I didn't snog him or anything, did i?
You better hope you didn't. He phoned me the next day and asked me out.
I'm sure i didn't. Almost sure.
Why do i always end up arranging a cab for the office party drunk?
It's becoming part of my job description.
That's a bit unfair.
Well, in this case, i feel responsible.
You're too nice. You've got a face that says "doormat."
Why can't i find a bloke like you?
I'm gonna use the phone out there. You be okay on your own?
I expect I'll get by.
You be a brave girl now.
Oh, didn't see you two there.
Hi.
Well done, Patrick. See you've pulled.
Who's your little friend?
You know, he's much cuter than you are.
Can i have him?
He likes you, too.
Sweet.
Better get him home before i start flirting.
Good night.
I hate that painting. Patrick: Sally?
Oh, where's tweedle dumber?
You okay?
Fine.
What do you want?
Um...i was looking for a phone number, actually.
Oh, God. Susan's, right?
Uh, well--
men always want Susan's number.
It's her tiny little bottom, isn't it?
Tiniest little bottom in the world.
It's like two tiny puppies in a tiny little sack.
That's why she bounces when she walks.
Her little bottom is just so happy
with all the tiny littleness in the world.
Probably sings in the shower.
It's the Walt Disney ass.
Uh, this is Susan's number?
Yes. I do know it, you know.
Thank you.
What are you doing? Let go of me.
I don't think i can.
Oh, i get it. A few drinks,
and I'm suddenly a lot more attractive.
Believe me, that really isn't the case.
The music's stopped.
What?
Put on some more music.
Uh, well, what do you want?
If you can find it... Adame butterfly.
Well? What happened?
I can't remember!
How can you not remember?
You had the butterfly music and everything.
I know, but i can't!
Maybe it just wasn't any good.
You had a snog?
Bit of a snog just before i left.
You never mentioned that before.
Sally's never mentioned it.
Maybe she's forgotten.
Forgotten a snog?
I think it would have been quite hard for Sally to remember.
Why do i always end up arranging a cab for the office party drunk?
It's becoming part of my job description.
That is a fucking shame!
In this case, i feel responsible.
You're too nice. You've got a face like a doorknob.
I wish i was a lesbian
and you were a man.
I'm gonna use the phone out there. You be okay on your own?
I'm gonna miss you, Susan.
You be a brave girl now.
( sobs )
oh! I didn't see you two there.
Hi.
Well done, Patrick. I see you've pulled.
Who's your little friend?
You know, he's much cuter than you are.
Can i have him?
He likes you, too.
Sweet.
Oh, well, good night.
Good night.
I hate that painting!
Sally?
Oh.
Where's humpty-dumpty or...
You okay?
Fine. What do you want?
Uh...
Well, i was actually after a phone number.
Oh, God. Susan's, right?
No, i want your number, actually.
Men always want Susan's number.
No, i want your number.
It's her teeny, tiny, little bottom, isn't it?
Teeny, teeny, tiny, little bottom.
Susan's bottom is full of puppies,
tiny, happy little puppies.
That's why she walks like that.
Boing, boing. Woof! Woof!
Sorry, that's your number you're writing down?
Yes. Yes.
In the shower,
all the tiny, little puppies
climb out and sing,
like in Bambi.
God.
Sally, this is your number?
Yes! I do know it, you know!
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Let go of me.
I don't think i can.
Oh, i see. A few drinks,
and I'm suddenly a lot more attractive.
Believe me, that really isn't the case.
More music.
What?
More music.
Well, um, what do you want?
Adame butterfly.
What is that? Is that a movie?
Just find it.
It's about a woman who can change herself into a butterfly.
I think i might have seen that, yeah.
I want the big aria bit.
Aria? Is that like her underground base or something?
Just play it, or I'll go and find your friend.
You found it.
Good boy. Come here.
It's not madame butterfly, but i found something similar.
( spider-man theme playing )
* spider-man, spider-man *
* does whatever a spider can *
* spins a Web any size *
* catches thieves just like flies *
* look out! *
* here comes the spider-man! *
* is he strong? Isten, bud! *
* he's got radioactive blood... *
oh, wow!
Yeah.
Oh, look.
Your little friend's come back.
( thud )
( snoring )
Sally: Patrick, hi. It's me.
Just wanted to say i know it's Sunday,
but i don't really feel like a movie tonight.
I don't have a date or anything,
so i don't want you coming around to check in my bedroom for spiders.
I'm just not in a movie mood.
Well, if you're not in a movie mood, either, then what's the point?
We don't have to see a movie every week, do we?
Okay, great.
See you soon.
Oh.
Hi.
Yeah, hi.
Sometimes it's nice to see a movie at home.
Yeah.
And we don't always want to see the same things.
So, what have you got?
Anilla sky.
Oh.
You?
Yeah.
Anyway, better be going.
Don't want to miss the, um...
...video.
Patrick.
Yeah?
It's never gonna be us, is it?
I mean, it just isn't, is it?
I suppose not, no.
Something would have happened by now, as opposed to...
Not happening.
Yeah.
The thing is...
If we keep hanging out like this,
it's maybe gonna stop something else happening, isn't it?
What with the occasional spider rescue scenario.
Yeah.
Don't look like that.
We can still be...alive.
Look, I'll see you, okay?
Yeah. Absolutely.
See ya.
Only not quite as often.
Exactly, yeah.
* spins a Web any size *
* catches thieves just like flies *
* look out! *
* here comes the spider-man! *
( aria from madame butterfly playing )