**
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
* perhaps *
tv: ( couple arguing )
( channel changes )
( laughter )
( gunfire and sirens )
it's up to you.
It's up to you.
Susan: Oh, for God's sake--
Giselle, will you please stop talking to me like that,
I'm not a child!
If you have a complaint about my work,
you can take it straight to Julia Davis.
Giselle: Usan--
don't you "Susan" me.
I'm happy to work with you on this project,
but we have to have a sensible working relationship.
( french accent ) i am sorry.
His is how we do things in France.
I rather doubt that.
And believe me, Julia will not be happy
that you are taking this attitude.
am sorry, my English is not so good.
Ou are going too fast.
( speaking french )
Giselle: Ui.
U revoir.
( sighs )
uh, sorry.
It's just...
Well, i, uh--
i really like french women, that's all.
Jane: O!
He thought you were french?
I think that was the only reason he was interested.
Why were you talking in french, anyway?
Oh, a new client.
Giselle, the french bitch.
This is someone you don't like?
Oh, i love it when that happens.
Makes you seem like a person.
She's supposed to be coming around for a drink
with Steve and i this evening,
but I've just told her to sod off.
It must be really great being a french bitch.
It must be so much easier.
Easier?
I've always wanted to be french,
but I've never had the opportunities.
So what was the guy like?
I'm with Steve now.
Yeah, but if you had a night off from Steve,
is he the kind of guy you'd go for?
There's nobody I'd go for--
absolutely nobody, nobody at all.
Or an australian.
An australian? Sorry.
I don't quite know where that came from.
Australians are her weakness. Sally--
we drove around Australia ten years ago, remember?
I remember who was in the driving seat for the whole trip.
Your ovaries.
She's exaggerating.
We always knew it was time to skip town
when a bar was named after her.
So this guy, was he an australian?
No, he was just a guy, nothing special.
Anyway, he only liked me 'cause he thought i was french.
So what happened?
He asked me if i had a boyfriend,
and i said yes,
and that's all there is to it.
So, i bet you've got a boyfriend then, eh?
Ui.
You let him think you were french!
Why?
I don't know. It just...happened.
It was just... Fun to pretend.
Oh, i know all about pretending.
I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins.
It was amazing fun.
I invented this mad, glamorous sister
and went 'round really annoying everybody.
I could get away with anything when i was my crazy twin Jane.
Ou're Jane.
Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
You know what it's like a year into a relationship.
Steve's wonderful. I love him to bits.
It's just--he never thinks I'm french anymore.
Yeah. Right.
Do you know what i mean by that?
No. Not at all.
Well, you know what it's like at the start,
when they're all fiery-eyed and eager
and they haven't seen you naked yet.
And it's like he's smashing at your door
with his mighty battering ram,
and he's promising to ravish you forever.
So you brace yourself for man overload
and throw open the doors,
and what do you find standing there?
An oversized toddler who wants his dinner.
And before you can say
there's been a terrible mistake,
he's snoring on your sofa,
and the whole place smells of feet.
Oh, and now I'm feeling really guilty.
I'm gonna, uh, phone him.
Not enough shoes.
What?
Men-- their feet get sort of marinated.
That's weird. What?
All my programed numbers have gone.
I can never program in my numbers.
Never bring myself to put my friends in order.
Oh, i put them in the order i like them.
You're at number three.
Number three, that's pretty good.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Who's number one and two?
Oh, i haven't met a one or a two yet.
Oh.
Or a seven, actually.
So where am i?
I've only got ten spaces.
I wasn't able to squeeze you in.
Okay.
Excuse me while i try
to remember my boyfriend's number.
Susan likes australians?
Her greatest fear is that one day
they'll all turn up on her doorstep
and gridlock london.
Hi.
Oh--
( french accent ) hello.
I was rather hoping you'd be here.
( continues accent ) excuse me,
I'm just making a call to my boyfriend.
Right. I don't suppose there's any chance
i could tempt you away from him?
Nothing could tempt me away from my boyfriend.
Man on phone: 'day. Ruce's bar and grill.
Ardon?
Ruce's bar and grill. Ow can i help you?
Oh, I'm sorry,
i think i may have misdialed.
T's okay. O worries.
Oh, ha ha ha! Sorry, my darling.
I did not recognize your voice.
You sound so strange.
Xcuse me?
I shall be around to see you very soon.
My heart is beating like a big drum of love.
Re you feeling all right?
( sighs ) where am i phoning?
Ruce's bar and grill. told you.
Where is that?
Here?
In Australia?
O, no. London.
Tadler street.
Ah, i know stadler street.
Where?
Ear Susan's.
Susan's?
Eah, you know-- Susan's.
He bar. The bar?
Eah, you may not have heard of it,
it's for australians.
There's a bar for australians called Susan's?
In london?!
H, yeah!
Ou always find a whole bunch of australians in Susan's.
This must seem like a stupid question,
but does this bar
have anything to do with Susan Walker?
Ou knowsusan Walker?
Tv: ( gunfire and sirens )
where are you going?
Where are you going?
( sighs )
all right.
I'm just off to the loo.
I don't think anyone asked.
Oh, sorry. No, uh...
It's just a habit.
Oh.
You must have a girlfriend.
Hello.
Hi.
So, do you?
What?
Have a girlfriend?
You said hello?
Yes, just hello, that's all.
So what did you tell her?
Tell her?
When she asked if you had a girlfriend.
You know what's brilliant about having a girlfriend?
Jeff!
You've been going out with Julia for three days.
We've never seen you this happy.
It would be a shame if you forced us to kill you.
Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex.
Jeff, sex is legal.
It always has been legal.
Whenever i have sex with Julia,
it's just so realistic.
It is actually real, Jeff.
I've got my own private bottom!
What?
Anytime i want to see a bottom,
i just ask Julia.
"There's nothing to watch on the tele tonight, dear,
why don't you pop your arse out?"
It's bad enough you're going out with my girlfriend's Boss--
i don't want details.
She's my Boss, too.
Which is great, because sometimes we play this game--
Jeff, no!
So...
She asked you if you had a girlfriend,
what did you say?
I said yes.
Good. Fine.
Of course i did. What else could i say?
Great.
I-i may have phrased it badly.
How badly can you phrase "yes"?
No.
That was quite badly phrased.
Okay!
I meant to say yes, and i missed by one word!
I'm sosorry I'm not perfect.
Why didn't you just tell her?
I would never do that to Julia.
We have a relationship based on complete trust.
Jeff, you don't have a relationship
based on a complete week.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that there are
three things all men should know,
and it's time you did, too--
you're never gonna be famous, you're fatter than you think,
and most important of all--
they don't keep wearing stockings.
Julia always wears stockings.
( snickers ) no, really.
She's always worn them. She always will--she told me.
In fact, Julia told me she
all: Prefers wearing stockings.
What?
Stockings aren't real, Jeff.
They're a myth.
Stockings are real, I've seen 'em.
Oh, sure, there are some stockings out there,
but there's what, ten pairs in the whole world?
Ten, at most.
Ten pairs for all of them. They share them out.
( imitates woman ) oh, Julia, you got a new boyfriend?
Your turn with the stockings,then.
But we'll need them back on Tuesday,
there's an anniversary in new Zealand.
Tuesday.
The stockings will go, Jeff.
They'll just melt away.
That's not true.
Okay...
Julia's pants--
really small?
Yeah, tiny. Really tiny.
Somewhere between wispy and a trick of the light?
You could accidently swallow three whole pairs in one go.
Trust me. Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha. Great, aren't they?
They're not like real pants,
they're like the ghost of pants.
Jeff? Yeah?
They spread.
What?
Pants. They spread and grow.
Experts can determine the age of a relationship
from pants spreadage alone.
You start off with that sexy little thong...
And one day you're looking at the makings
of a decent size trampoline.
It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Jeff, Jeff...
Before you know it,
you'll be sitting on a sofa with Julia,
she'll be wearing pants
large enough to cover Switzerland,
and you'll discover that you're unable to make
the slightest movement without her saying,
"where are you going?"
Every time-- "where are you going?"
She won't even know she's saying it.
It like you've set off a motion sensor.
And then, you'll notice that your house
is covered in shoes.
Shoes. Shoes everywhere!
Why do they have so many shoes?
Do they have extra feet we don't know about?
Did they sprout rows of additional feet
while we're asleep
and gallop around the streets at night shouting,
"where are you going?!" "where are you going?!"
Ahem.
Sorry.
Drifted a bit there.
So...
This girl you chatted up in the bar--
i didn't chat her up.
I'm with Susan. I'm very happy with Susan. I love Susan.
So what happened with the girl?
Nothing happened.
We talked for a bit, we had a couple of drinks,
exchanged phone numbers, and went our separate ways.
You exchanged phone numbers?!
Oh, fine-- focus on that part.
You gave her your actual phone number?
I'm a bloke.
I can't withhold my number from a woman,
i haven't got the skills.
Yeah, but this girl, she could phone at any time.
I know.
While Susan's here. I know.
Well, Susan's here all the time--
Jeff, please! I know!
Steve, you're gonna have to move out.
Okay, did she look like the type to phone?
Yeah, she--she really looked the type.
So, she's gonna wait for you to phone
then she's gonna get right in phoning you.
How long has it been?
A week and a day. ( phone rings )
it's her! It's her!
It might be!
Tell her she's got the wrong number.
She'll think she wrote it down wrong.
If it's her, I'm going to do this properly.
I'm an adult, for God's sake.
( ringing )
( australian accent ) g'day. Bruce's bar and grill.
Susan ( french accent ): Ardon?
Ruce's bar and grill. Ow can i help you?
Good accent.
Susan told me.
H, I'm sorry,
i think i may have misdialed.
It's okay. No worries.
It's not her, it's some french woman.
H...sorry, my darling.
did not recognize your voice.
Ou sound so strange.
Excuse me?
shall be around to see you very soon.
Y heart is beating like a big drum of love.
Could be the girl from the bar.
She could be having a joke.
Are you feeling all right?
Here am i phoning?
Bruce's bar and grill. I told you.
Here is that?
Where?
N Australia?
No, no. London.
Stadler street.
H, i know stadler street. Here?
Near Susan's.
Usan's?
Yeah, you know, Susan's.
Th-the bar.
He bar?
Yeah, you may not have heard of it,
it's for australians.
Here's a bar for australians
called Susan's?
N london?
Oh, yeah!
You always find a whole bunch of australians in Susan's.
Near Susan's?!
His must seem like a stupid question,
but does this bar have anything to do
with Susan Walker?
You know Susan Walker?!
You also know Susan Walker?
Oh, yeah. Everybody here knows Susan.
How do you know her, then?
I-i amgiselle.
I am Susan's new bitch.
H, uh...
Client-- Susan's new client.
Uh, look, I'd better be getting on.
Es, yes, of course.
O, wait!
Hello?
Uh, excuse me asking,
but, um... Were you one of Susan's...
Special friends?
What?
Susan has spoken so often
of her great love of australians--
Australia.
Are you perhaps...
David?
Igel?
Ill?
Artin?
Ennis?
I-i will narrow it down--
canberra?
Elbourne? Sydney?
Hat is your name?
Uh, Dick.
Uh--uh--Dick darlington.
( disconnects )
what's wrong?
Susan slept with Australia!
Sally: Susan.
What's wrong?
What?
Um...nothing.
Gotta go.
( door closes )
should we go after her?
In a minute. Now, try it again.
( french accent ) i am Giselle.
( whipping sound )
i am a french bitch.
( french accent ) i am Giselle.
I am a french bitch.
Ohh...try it with more wine.
How could she know Susan?
It doesn't make sense.
Giselle. Julia mentioned a Giselle-- new client.
But how could she know stuff about Susan i don't know?
I'm phoning Susan.
And she was french.
She called her the french bitch.
How many french bitches can there be?
Seven.
What?
In my experience.
( cell phone ringing )
why have you got Susan's mobile?
I was in her office yesterday.
I must have picked up the wrong one.
She's got the same one as me.
Susan must have my phone.
Tell you what...
And I'm not just saying this--
compared to you,
masturbation is in its infancy.
Julia: I seem to be missing three pairs of knickers.
Susan speaks french, doesn't she?
What?
Your friend, Susan Walker, she speaks french, yeah?
I think so. Why?
We've got this new client, Giselle.
I put her with Susan, but she's a bit of tricky one.
I should have dealt with her myself,
but i can't speak french.
She's french?
Well, yeah.
Excellent. And a bitch.
A bitch? Excellent.
Okay, I'm back to being your Boss now.
Now go back to the office,
or I'll set the french bitch on you.
Yeah? Excellent.
( growls )
Jeff!
( door slams )
( french accent ) this is Giselle.
Your organizational skills are a disgrace,
and i am extremely disappointed with your performance.
If were up to me, i would put you over my knee
and spank your bottom.
Susan: H, for God's sake!
Giselle, will you please stop talking to me like that?
I'm not a child.
F you have a complaint about my work,
you can take it straight to Julia Davis!
Susan!?
Don't you "Susan" me!
'm happy to work with you on this project,
but we have to have a sensible working relationship.
I am sorry, i, um...
My English is not so good.
You are going too fast.
( speaking french )
hi.
Hi.
You okay? Yeah.
Listen, I've just got some work to finish up on.
Right.
Patrick and Jeff are here.
Oh, no problem. I can go in the bedroom.
Fine. Great.
See you in a mo'.
See you.
( video game noises )
okay, this is getting complicated.
Now, Giselle knows Susan because she's a client--
what if Giselle finds out I'm Dick darlington?
Why should she?
She might tell Susan,
and then I'll have to explain why i was pretending
to be an australian on the phone.
If Susan finds out,
you say you're Dick darlington. Why me?
Okay. You, Patrick.
No way. Anyone else want a beer?
Oh, come on.
I-I'll get some beers.
( phone rings )
oh, shit!
Am i Dick darlington now?
Shh!
It might be her.
(french accent ) hello.
Is that Bruce's bar and grill?
I know that it must be, because i press "redial."
G'day...again.
Is that the lovely Giselle?
I do not believe there is a Bruce's bar and grill,
and i do not believe
that there is a bar called Susan's.
This is a joke
at the expense of my friend, Susan Walker.
No, it isn't.
Don't be silly.
I will tell you how i know this--
because Susan Walker is right here with me.
Oh, no, she isn't.
I can assure you she is.
Well, i can assure you she's right here with me.
I am passing the phone
to Susan Walker.
Hello, this is Susan Walker speaking.
Susan, can you tell this french bitch
that you're Susan Walker?
Hello, this is Susan Walker.
Hello?
( doorbell )
Jeff: 'll get it.
Bruce's bar and grill--
were you answering the phone as an australian?
What are you talking about?
Steve... I'm Giselle.
Ou're Giselle?
I was Giselle on the phone.
Susan, I'm really sorry to interrupt,
but i just had to tell you...
It was me.
I was Giselle on the phone.
Ou were Giselle?
I'm so, so sorry.
She was Giselle?!
No, i was Giselle!
I was Giselle. Who was Giselle?
I'm really sorry about this, Susan.
But i was Giselle on the phone. It was me.
What are you talking about?
I phoned you.
Julia, i was Giselle, and i phoned him.
And he was Dick darlington.
No, Susan...
I was Dick darlington.
No. Look, it's okay, Jeff.
I was Dick darlington.
And i was Giselle.
What's the matter with you? I was Giselle!
( doorbell ) I'll get that.
I phoned you at lunch.
I thought i was talking to Jeff.
I put on a french accent
and i said I'd spank your bottom.
Excellent.
was Giselle!
was Giselle.
What in the name of God is going on here?
Steve: Jane?
( french accent ) no! I am Giselle.
( french accent ) and so am i!
In that case, I'm Dick darlington.
No! 'm Dick darlington!
Yeah, we're Dick darlington.
And I'm Giselle!
'm Giselle!
And so are we!
Would everyone just shut up!
Thank you!
( phone rings )
oh, what?!
Hello.
Who could it possibly be this time?
Giselle or Dick darlington?!
It's someone called Yvonne for you.
No, uh...
Can't come to the phone.
Why not?
There's people in the way.
Okay, I'll put it on speaker.
Yvonne: Teve.
Hello.
Ello, Steve.
T's Yvonne. Emember? From the bar?
R do you give your phone number out
to every strange woman you meet?
H-hi.
Isten, i was wondering...
Hi. There's been a bit of a misunderstanding.
I'm actually with someone,
so i won't be able to, uh...
I'm sorry, Yvonne. Good-bye.
Well, i think we'd better, um...
Yeah, i think we'd better.
Bye.
M-m-met her in the bar-- gave her my number.
Stupid, uh...
But i was never, ever going to...
That's why i was pretending to be a, you know...
Dick?
Yes.
Hmm.
Sometimes i miss being single, too.
I guess this means the honeymoon's over.
No, no, i don't--
i-i still...
Real life starts here.
If you...still want it to.
If you don't, um... Let me know.
I quite fancy popping back to Australia.
There must be a whole new batch
past the age of consent by now.
Susan.
What?
Where are you going?
It's up to you.
It's up to me...
It is up to me.
It's up to me.
Oh.
( french accent ) hello.
I am Giselle.
* if you can't make your mind up *
* we'll never get started *
* and i don't want to wind up *
* being parted *
* broken-hearted *
* so if you really love me *
* say yes *
* and please don't tell me *
* perhaps *