*
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
* perhaps *
( radio show music playing )
man: And now we go to Jane christie,
our eye on london traffic.
So, how's it looking up there, Jane?
Jane: Good morning, traffic!
Now, there's some serious,
must-avoid trouble spots today, I'm afraid,
but more of that later.
If you're listening, David Hammond of southweld street,
who wrote in asking for some of my underwear,
sorry, naughty person, you can just enter the competition
like everybody else.
Now, drivers, before we go any further,
let's start with a big meditation
in aid of reduced road congestion.
So, come on, everybody, close your eyes.
( tires squealing, cars crashing, honking )
so, how do you feel it went this morning?
The traffic report?
The traffic report, yes.
I think it was a success.
Jane, there are people in hospital.
Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy, I'm reporting traffic.
There's bound to be casualties.
As you know, for some time now, we've had problems
about the way you've been handling the reports.
Jeremy, i told you when i first took the job
i need creative input.
Sometimes you change the names of streets.
Only when i need a rhyme.
And the pilot has complained about your guitar.
He never! What did he say?
Well, just that you get a bit animated now and then.
Apparently, he sustained a mild concussion during hallelujah m4.
He made such a fuss about that, you wouldn't believe.
He was a mile above battersea, Jane.
He was flying a helicopter!
Well, that's another thing. Why is it always his turn?
Jane, I'm very sorry, really i am.
Personally, I'm very fond of you,
but this is as far as we can go.
Please, try not to be bitter.
I'm not bitter.
I'm never at home to mr. Bitter bottom.
I'm very sorry, Jane. Well, I'm sorry for you.
Because you've got that funny, little wheezing noise when you breathe,
which probably means you're gonna die.
Jane, please.
And then it'll be off to the crematorium,
and you'll just be a little, teeny-tiny pile of ashes.
And straightaway, your wife will start having sex
with a man with a much less smelly bottom.
But until then, i hope we can stay friends.
You're imagining it.
It is. it's increasing.
I've got an increasing face.
I've used too much skin nutrient,
and now my face is actually growing.
I'm becoming the incredible flesh monster.
Incredible what?
Sorry, i meant my mother.
( knock on door )
you'd better get that.
I expect it'll be some more neck.
What's wrong?
I've been sacked.
What?! No!
Jeremy just sacked me!
I've been completely and utterly sacked!
Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
( gasps ) Jane?
I'm so sorry.
I've been so stupid.
What have you done?
I had a moment of madness.
I've taken an overdose.
What?! Oh, my God!
You're not serious?
I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Oh, Christ. Call an ambulance.
Yes!
Jane, listen to me.
You've got to stay conscious,
and you've got to tell me everything you've taken.
Paracetamol. How many?
How many did you take, Jane?
Two.
Tell everyone i forgive them.
Two? Well, that's as many as you're allowed.
It says so on the bottle.
Okay.
You can only take 8 in 24 hours.
Frankly, i don't know how anyone finds time to commit suicide.
I think you'll find the point of an overdose
is that you exceed the recommended dose.
Isn't that dangerous?
Two paracetamol won't have any effect, Jane.
That's rubbish. It got rid of my headache.
I feel fantastic!
Which, suicide-wise,
isn't exactly a near miss, is it?
So you haven't actually taken anything poisonous?
Oh, listen to mrs. Critical.
Perhaps it's time you started.
Maybe it is time for a change.
I mean, what's so great
about getting up at six in the morning
to talk about contraflow and intersections?
You've never understood show biz.
There must be something else you'd like to do.
Yeah, something more you.
Well, there is one thing.
What? Okay--
you know how I've always wanted to work with children?
( snorts ) you hate children!
Well, I'm sure i could overcome that
in a professional environment.
Anyway, there's bound to be some opportunities to tell them off.
What kind of work?
Well, there's this little opportunity that's come up,
and i thought maybe, well--
what opportunity?
I'll show you!
I'll be about an hour, okay?
Oh, okay.
This is so exciting!
This is going to be a whole new beginning!
And to think, when i was committing suicide,
I'd very nearly given up hope!
An arse beach?
Why not? Why not an arse beach?
There are many dedicated breast beaches.
"Topless beaches," not dedicated breast beaches.
They're not like nature reserves.
The fact is, some women don't have large breasts,
and they're people, too.
What?
Maybe they'd like the freedom
to show us their bottoms instead of their breasts.
Maybe they'd enjoy a more flexible,
ass-friendly beach that says,
"hey, so long as you got cleavage,
who cares which way it's facing?"
Patrick.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were with lynda tonight.
I think I'm gonna have to terminate lynda.
What, already?
Oh, i really like lynda.
She always remembers my name.
It's great when women do that, isn't it?
Just two weeks and she's history?
Where did she go wrong?
Just made a simple, tactical error.
Which one?
Which of the many?
For, many are the ways
for a woman to leave the cupboard of Patrick's love.
Very true, my friend.
She might suggest a weekend away together.
Termination on the spot!
She might refer to him as her boyfriend.
Oh, an instant, taxi-home violation.
She might even use a sentence
containing the forbidden word of death.
Both: Christmas.
None of those.
I'm talking about the big mistake.
The one all women should be trained to avoid.
She has ruled out, at any point in the future,
the possibility of a threesome.
How can a relationship survive without hope?
No disrespect, but what would you know about relationships?
A relationship is a loving Bond between two people,
and a threesome can take the edge off that.
You've had threesomes?
That's fantastic.
Sex with two complete women.
That's totally brilliant!
Okay, Jeff-- calm, focus, breathe.
Steve, sex with two whole women.
Think of the advantages. They can't both fall asleep.
Right.
And if one of them suddenly leaves or punches you,
you still got one left.
If one of them plays that old sneaking out of the window trick,
there's someone there to untie you.
It's total genius.
Yeah, but Jeff--
and all those breasts.
Your bed will be like a breast car park.
It would be like being attacked by the giant breast octopus,
only this time your mother won't wake you up before the good bit.
I think you can probably stop now if you like.
"Jeffrey, Jeffrey, you're vibrating the light fittings!"
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
There would, in fact, be just four breasts.
Steve, it's a bad idea to actually count women's breasts.
The whole bus stares at you.
Bus?
Bus...or whatever.
Jeff, I've never had a threesome.
What?
I don't think anyone ever has, really.
It's just something women say to you when you first meet them.
It's your basic, three-stage strategy.
You know--darling, I'd love to try a threesome.
Darling, one day I'd consider a threesome.
Darling, I'm pregnant. There's your threesome.
And so the cycle of life continues.
So, lynda doesn't know about the three stages?
You can't respect that kind of naivety, can you?
She didn't seem naive to me.
That would be asking a lot.
She's very inexperienced when it comes to sex.
She takes ages.
No point in putting it off,
time to power up the woman ejector.
Good phone--small. The smallest available.
Do you know how many times
i couldn't find this phone today?
Five. Nice.
You're gonna dump her over the phone?
Yeah. It's much less upsetting.
Ore upsetting, surely.
How do you mean?
Oh, for her?
Yes, totally excellent result.
What? Answer phone.
Lynda, hi, it's Patrick.
Listen, I'm sorry to leave a message like this on your answer phone.
Um, i want to put this as gently as possible.
I've been thinking a lot about the future,
and you're not in it.
So, sorry. It's not me, it's you.
No, hang on, it's the other way around, isn't it?
Um, so, anyway, good luck, lynda, and goodbye.
If you ever want to call up for a chat or just to say "hi,"
remember, i screen my calls. Ta ta.
Phaser's on "kill."
Photon torpedo.
Ribbed.
Sorry.
Well, that wasn't bad, was it?
Simple and direct.
No mess, no complications, clean break.
Lynda: Patrick.
Lynda!
Hi, Patrick. Hi, guys.
How's my mr. Snuggle bottom?
Fine.
I just thought I'd drop by on the off chance you were here.
What's the matter with you lot?
You look like you've seen a ghost.
No, no, not at all. No, no, no.
No, you're not dead. You look great. Oh, thanks.
You're not, like, you know, decomposing or anything.
I'm not just saying that.
( giggles ) you're so funny.
He's so funny, isn't he?
Can i have a word, mr. Sexy hair?
Um--
bit of news for you. Come on.
See you in a minute, guys. See you.
You have to tell her. I know, i know.
So, she's not decomposing.
You like her, don't you?
What are you talking about?
I say that to lots of women.
She's becoming available.
Think you can handle being the next guy after Patrick?
I could take Patrick.
Of course you could.
I couldn't really, could i?
No, not really.
Steve: Jane?
Steve, could you come with me to Sally's?
I'm gonna need your help.
The girls are there, but i need a boy, too.
It's gotta be a mixed group.
Oh, look. Patrick and lynda.
They go really well together, don't they?
He's dumping her.
Good. I think she's a bit two-faced.
Hi, you!
Can you guess what my news is? Before we get to that--
I've been thinking about your naughty, little suggestion.
You know, a threesome.
And do you know what? I got so turned on.
Really? Let's do it.
What, you mean, at some point in the future? You'll consider it?
No, i think we should get started straightaway.
Tonight. Wow.
I'm feeling so horny!
( both giggle )
can i borrow your phone a minute? Sure.
You mean, you can just phone up for a threesome?
No, i want to check my messages.
Oh, right.
Sorry, no!
What's wrong?
I never lend my phone.
Why? It's too small.
Small?
It might get lost. You've got big ears.
I've just got to make a call.
( giggles ) you're so funny.
( ringing )
hello, this is lynda. Eave a message,
and I'll phone you back. Ye.
( beep )
lynda, Patrick.
Um, just thought I'd better warn you
that I've got an answer phone double.
Uh, there's a mate of mine Ivan, and what he does, right,
is he phones up whoever I'm going out with at the moment,
pretends to be me, and dumps them. What a joker.
So, i hope he hasn't wound you up too much
with that silly message.
Um, not that I've any reason to suppose
he has left you a message.
It's just that he's done that to all the other women
I'm seeing at the moment,so--
ha ha ha. Just a bit of answer phone humor there.
Just trying to lighten the mood.
Just heading off.
I'm really glad you dumped that Dizzy cow.
She wasn't right for you.
Oh, sorry. I didn't see you were on the phone.
It's really small.
Um, hang on, hang on a sec, lynda.
Yeah, Steve, well done on dumping that Dizzy cow.
Nice work.
Sorry, what was that?
I was just saying...
"Good job, dumping-wise."
So, you've dumped her properly now, have you?
You haven't just left a message on her answer phone?
For God's sake, I'm not gonna dump her
till after the threesome!
Well, I'll catch you later, okay?
I've gotta go and help Jane.
I'm not Patrick, I'm Ivan.
Ha ha. Fooled you there.
Just playing my big joke.
I hope you're not gonna blame all this on Patrick
because I'm not Patrick,
because, if you see, when you think about it,
you've got no reason to believe that i am Patrick.
None at all. No, no, no. Ha ha. You can't prove a thing.
There you are, Patrick!
Who are you talking to?
Hello, Patrick's friend.
I'll be off, then. Off?
Yeah, I've got business. Oh, that's a pity.
I thought we could go on the pull together.
You know, I'm really in the mood tonight.
You've still got my flat key, haven't you?
Yeah. Yes, i have.
Well, when you've finished your silly old business,
why don't you meet me there.
And, who knows, maybe I'll bring a friend.
Yes. Yes, you stay here and, you know, whatever,
and I'll go to your flat and erase...all my bad memories.
Time i did that.
( giggles ) you're so funny.
See you later, okay?
Okay.
Wish me luck.
Yeah, luck. Lots.
Okay. Threesome, three in a bed.
Giant breast octopus.
Take me now.
Hello, Jeff.
Hello--
hello, lynda.
So, got any plans for the rest of the evening?
First of all,
I'm going to talk about me.
Well, you're awake.
I've had a long look inside myself.
I've been peeling back
the trembling, delicate petals of my special selfness,
and I've uncovered nine separate layers of inner identity,
which I'd like to share with you in ascending order.
Jane. Yes, Susan?
Choose life.
But to cut a long and beautiful story short--
here's what I've decided about my career.
A lot of people think that being a television presenter
is the easiest job in the world.
Well, everybody's wrong, and i don't mind saying it,
because there's being a children's television presenter!
That's gotta be the easiest thing ever.
You just have to waggle your head a lot and shout.
Anyway, I've got this audition coming up,
and i just know i could do it.
I need you guys to help me prepare.
So, say "hello" to aunt Jane
and her little helper...Jake.
Hello, everybody!
Oh, my God, it's a penis!
It's not a penis.
It's a snake.
Snake, penis. What's the difference?
You are cute.
Oh, sure you start off keen, but it never lasts.
I can see your lips moving.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, what's mr. Drippy saying?
Did you really used to go out with this guy?
I'm just saying that when Jake's talking, i can tell it's you.
Ah, but you see, Steve, it is me.
Jake's not real.
Yes, i got that.
It's just really obvious it's you.
Well, of course it's obvious.
This is a sock. Socks can't talk, Steve.
You're not being really perceptive or anything.
You're supposed to talk without moving your lips.
Don't be ridiculous.
How would anyone understand what i was saying?
Yeah, answer that, mr. Floppy head.
I do not have a floppy head anymore. She makes me gel.
Who's talking about your hair, sunshine?
What's funny?
That was quite funny, actually.
Hey, big news! Hold the front page!
Sensible Susan's got a sense of humor.
Ah, now that's unfair.
Susan's very funny. She's always making me laugh.
Yeah, but usually just her walk.
Her walk?
Her bouncy walk.
You know, boing boing boing.
I don't have a bouncy walk.
It's a lovely bouncy walk.
I don't know why i don't walk like that.
You have breasts.
That snake is just getting out of hand.
Oh, and here she is. It's Sally Harper.
"Oh, i look so old today. Oh, i look so ugly today."
Stop your pathetic whining for God's sake!
My God, Susan! I'm being criticized by a talking penis.
Susan: It's okay, Sally.
It took me three years of counseling
to stop having that nightmare.
Jane, are you absolutely certain you told us everything you took?
Yeah, yeah, just paracetamol.
Right.
Or whatever they were.
Because you're always getting pills at parties, aren't you?
And i don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet.
You'd never have any surprises.
This week's top tip from children's hour.
Okay, and can i just clarify--
what are we supposed to be doing to help you with your audition?
Well, there's this guy who does this art program for preschoolers.
Well, he got caught buying drugs last week,
so he's been promoted to proper television.
That means there's a vacancy, and i just know i could do it.
And we help you how?
I need practice.
What i was thinking was you all pretend to be kids,
and do lovely paintings of me,
and i suggest improvements.
Good plan, huh?
Well, i think we should do that in a lovely, calming way.
Sorry, you mean, we're gonna calm down
the most self-obsessed woman in the world
by sitting around doing paintings of her,
while she has a conversation with her own right hand?
Self-obsessed?
Steve, I'm in no way self-obsessed.
Give me a break, you deluded bitch!
What?!
You're nervous, Jeff.
Is it me that's making you nervous?
I'm always this nervous.
You're just closer. You can see it better.
I've always found you very attractive.
Did you know that?
Oh.
So, when you said did i have any plans for the evening,
you didn't just want the sofa?
No.
Oh, people usually just want the sofa.
Do you find me attractive?
Well, yeah. Obviously.
There's nothing obvious about it.
You know, women get insecure, too, you know.
Really? Of course.
I'm always worried my breasts are too small.
Don't be daft.
You know what, as long as you've got breasts,
it doesn't matter which way they're facing.
Uh, i--i don't mean that yours are facing backwards.
You're just flat-chested.
( giggles ) oh, thank you.
Um, um. What-- what about Patrick?
Patrick? Oh, he's gone.
Yeah, i know. I was sorry to hear about that.
What do you mean?
It's just that Patrick doesn't like to be tied down.
Oh, he does, you know.
Oh, no. I just meant--
( humming )
that was nice, wasn't it?
Uh, it was brilliant.
I like kissing, don't you?
Oh, yeah. Especially the tongues part.
I love getting all that extra tongue.
You know, sometimes i eat really cold ice cream
just so that my tongue goes numb, and it feels like someone else's.
But we all get lonely sometimes.
Jeff, how do you feel about threesomes?
Th-th-threesomes?
You know, threesomes. Three in a bed.
I really fancy a threesome tonight.
I mean, do you?
What do you think?
Oh, that would be--
that would be like-- that would be like an octopus.
Well, then let's not waste any time, shall we?
Wait, but there's just two of us, which is great, obviously.
I mean, that's like a whole one more than normal, but--
don't worry.
I think i know where there's someone hot and waiting.
Oh, brilliant! Fantastic! Superb!
And remember, don't be intimidated.
About what?
Well, Patrick.
Why would i be intimidated about Patrick?
Well, he's a big boy, isn't he?
I can take Patrick.
Ooh!
You have no right to say that. That is completely unfair.
I'm in no way self-obsessed.
You are the most self-obsessed human being who ever lived!
I am not self-obsessed.
Sweetheart, you're having this whole conversation with yourself!
Well, so are you!
So, what do we do?
Well, it's bound to wear off eventually.
What is? Being Jane?
Excuse me, i was told i could find--
Jane. Jeremy.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
What's happened?
We announced there was going to be a new traffic girl,
and the switchboard has been jammed all afternoon.
Really?
I've been doing some research.
It turns out you've got a lot of supporters.
I thought it was just me, but there are a lot of people
that realize you're not nearly as mad as you seem.
Oh, that's wonderful.
How have i ever managed to make so many wonderful friends?
You use your breasts!
Shut up, Jake!
What is that?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
I'm so excited. Congratulations.
Hey, is this the guy who keeps sneaking looks up your skirt?
Well, hi there, mr. Not-getting-it-at-home.
What is that?
It's a talking snake.
A what?
These things happen.
I've not been looking up your skirt.
Of course you haven't. I never said you did.
Oh, please, you've got the hots for her, and you know it.
It's the reason you gave her the job in the first place.
How dare you! Yes, how dare you!
I'll handle this, Jeremy.
You can't talk to Jeremy like that!
I am the snake of truth, and i will not be silenced!
Right, well, that's settled, then.
So, you're re-employing Jane. That's great.
You've gone mad. I am not mad.
Oh, my God, I'm naked!
I'm going. This woman is completely insane.
Not at all. It's just her right arm.
The rest of her's fine.
Yeah, this is the sanest Jane's ever been.
The thing is, Jane isn't herself at the moment.
She's been taking drugs.
Okay, that didn't really help, did it?
I don't care how many sad bastards phone in supporting you.
I don't care how many people at the station
think you're some kind of wacky asset,
I'm going to the station and telling them it's me or you.
I have worked over 18 years and am a personal friend
of the chief executive and the owner.
I'm one of the most respected people in this industry,
and you have reasonably attractive breasts.
I think we both know what the result will be. Excuse me.
Oh, dear.
That didn't go very well, did it?
Is the snake gone now?
I think so.
Oh, never mind.
At least you've still got the audition for the other thing.
It's not reporting traffic, though, is it?
I like reporting traffic,
and tomorrow morning, someone else
is going to be talking about all those traffic jams instead of me.
Can you imagine anything more disappointing than that?
( door slams )
hi.
Hi.
Just thought I'd get ready.
Are you alone?
Say "hello" to your new playmate.
Hi.
( both screaming )
( radio show music playing )
man: And now it's time for our traffic report,
and i believe we have somebody new to meet this morning.
Jane: Good morning, traffic.
You're listening to Jake the snake, and before we get started,
can i just give a message to Jeremy Phillips
who resigned from the station this morning.
Bad luck, Jeremy. You just don't have the breasts.
*
* if you can't make your mind up *
* we'll never *
* get started *
* and i don't want to wind up *
* being parted, broken-hearted *
* so if you really love me, say yes *
* and please don't tell me *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *