*
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
* perhaps *
tv: Or the human animal, of course,
sex isn't simply for reproduction,
but it's also an important form of recreation and release.
That's true.
Or the adult male deprived of sex,
the build-up of testosterone
can have potentially dangerous behavioral side effects.
That's also true.
Or the maintenance of societal norms,
regular sexual release can be viewed
as a necessity for men.
Very, very true, actually.
Ndeed, such is the level of this primal compulsion,
many--in fact, most men--
continue with regular masturbation
even while in a stable sexual relationship.
No! Disaster!
I know.
Perfect. Brilliant!
I know.
Charlie dimmock.
What?
Oh, nothing.
( indistinct voices on tv )
i can't believe they put stuff like that
on television.
It's irresponsible.
It's like all those sex scenes when you were a kid--
they were always timed for maximum embarrassment.
Bc bastards!
You thought the BBC were trying to embarrass you with sex scenes?
I swear. I thought the tv was plotting against me.
I'd be in my bedroom watching a film,
and it's just a couple having dinner, or--
or a detective solving a crime.
It's all perfectly innocent,
and as soon as my dad comes up the stairs,
suddenly it's all baby oil and nipples. Every time!
I thought every actress in the country
was programmed to expose her breasts
the moment my father reached a certain altitude.
So did you ask?
If he still-- you know.
Goes solo.
I didn't want to ask.
I had no interest in asking.
But all i could hear was me sitting there
not asking.
It was so obvious.
He does though, doesn't he?
He's a man.
It's not just a right hand, it's a whole relationship.
Michael aspel. Where?
Oh, no, he's not here.
Then why did you just say his name?
It doesn't matter.
Anthea Turner.
Jane, please. What are you doing?
I've developed a new talent.
A new talent?
Last Wednesday-- it just arrived.
Amazing, isn't it?
What is this new talent?
Just by looking at someone,
i can determine their ideal celebrity friend.
Point is...
Men can't be allowed solo access to their erections.
They're not like us.
They've only got so many goes in them per day.
I know.
But Steve needs his mariella moment.
Fern britten.
Sorry?
That's yours. Fern britten.
Why fern?
Assertive, intelligent, successful woman,
but with a larger bottom than you!
You're good.
I know!
Mariella moment?
Did she ask?
You know...ask?
If you still...
You know...
Frostrup.
Frostrup?!
Yeah. Steve's whole fantasy life revolves around
mariella frostrup.
Jeff, please.
If he ever meets mariella frostrup in person,
his right hand will shout, "mother"!
Jeff!
It'd be like, you know, the end of e.t.
When he saw the spaceship.
There'll be organ music.
Thank you for clearing that up, Jeff.
Hey... organ music!
( laughing )
yes, Jeff.
So, did she ask about your, uh...
Frostruping?
She didn't have to ask the actual question, did she?
It was just there.
Of course it was.
It's out there, it's circling.
We're sitting there in silence and there it is,
just throbbing in the air between us.
Wasn't that a bit tactless?
The question was throbbing, Patrick.
Like an accusation.
Exactly.
You're choking the chicken.
You're strangling the python.
You're shaking the caravan, Jeffrey.
Uh...
Sorry, i, uh... Drifted off a bit there.
Family holidays, eh?
God, they went on a bit, didn't they?
..often maintaining societal structures...
It's not a big deal. I don't mind.
But the silence is just getting longer and longer.
So what happened?
Valerie singleton!
I'm sorry? Your celebrity match,
Valerie singleton.
You can be all sensible and organized together,
and make lots of lists.
I can see that.
It's uncanny, isn't it?
I'm thinking of writing a book--
"how to target and befriend the right celebrity."
Really?
You've got to use the right techniques.
Slipping the mobile, for instance.
That's a good one.
What's that, then?
You accidentally on purpose slip your mobile phone
into a celebrity's pocket.
Then you ring them up, saying you've lost your phone,
and you meet up for a lovely chat.
That's clever, actually.
Yeah...
Except...I've had to give up owning a mobile.
I had my last three blown up by prince William's security.
So you want to write a book
about how to stalk celebrities?
It's not stalking in my case.
I'm a celebrity myself.
Jane, you report traffic congestion on local radio.
Anyway, i don't recommend actual stalking.
That's best left as a threat.
You know, with your real unapproachables,
like Lorraine Kelly and salman rushdie.
Salman rushdie?
I had a real thing for him.
But he's such a tricky one to track down.
I had to use my full rangeof techniques.
There was a fatwa on him.
He was sentenced to death by the ayatollah.
I know. It got so out of hand.
Speaking of getting out of hand,
what happened with Steve?
Have you ever been so self-conscious
you've forgotten how to breathe regularly?
Oh, yeah, sure.
It's like when you're sitting on a bus
and there's this woman...
That's the worst.
I can't move!
I'm totally clenched!
If I'd have stood up, I'd have taken the sofa.
I could feel him getting tenser and tenser.
Which would've been fine-- it would've been okay, except--
what?
Have you ever seen Steve
trying to seem relaxed?
I was just trying to seem relaxed.
I had a moment of madness.
What did you do?
( whistling )
what are you doing?
What?
Why are you whistling?
J-just felt like some music.
So you whistled?
It's an option.
Why don't you go put on a cd or something?
I'm not in the mood for a whole cd.
Sometimes you want a full orchestra
and sometimes you just want a...
Quick whistle?
Apparently.
What are you so annoyed about?
Who said i was annoyed?
You only say "apparently"
when you're really annoyed about something.
Look, i don't mind you whistling, okay?
Everybody whistles...
Now and again--
particularly men. It's perfectly natural.
Right.
As long as you don't get "whistled" out.
Subtle. Very.
Blunt! Evil!
By the way, I've invited my parents
for a late supper on Wednesday night,
here, if that's okay.
Don't worry, I'll cook.
Y-your parents. Great.
That'll be...great.
What's so bad about her parents?
Wednesday-- that's tonight.
I'm just getting up the courage, mate.
Why? What do her parents do?
They talk about sex.
No!
They're incredibly open about everything.
The whole family is. Susan, too.
They talk about sex like it's a completely normal thing.
Are they insane?
Parents have no business talking about sex.
It's not their area.
It's disgusting. Oh...
Like when you find your dad's magazines.
Exactly!
Or you hear your parents doing it.
Oh, yeah, I've been there.
Or your mother starts making enormous sculptures of erections
and filling the house with them.
That's what i hate!
I'm sorry?
Tons of the bastards,
all over the place.
Some of them were huge!
We had to keep one of them in the garden shed.
You grew up in a house full of erections?
My mum said it was a celebration of love.
Of love?
That's a bit of a leap.
She used to keep the ones that had gone wrong in a box...
Under my bed.
Trust me, you don't want to know about my nightmares.
I went out with a girl once who made a sculpture of...
You know...
Junior Patrick.
Junior Patrick?
You call it "junior Patrick"?
Yeah. She said it was her best-ever model.
She said she'd never had to use so much material.
Yeah, okay. We know.
There's big, there's balance problem...
And there's bazooka man!
Not one to boast, boys,
but she said that in all her years of sculpting,
she'd never had so much room for the battery compartment.
Battery compartment? In a sculpture?
Yeah. I always meant to ask her about that.
As soon as she finished, i never saw her again.
Right.
Last i heard
she started up some sort of mail-order company.
You know what, though?
She'd misspelled "mail."
I think you may have been had, mate.
And a lot more often than you realize.
I think my time is up.
Hey...
Just passing.
Thought I'd check you hadn't forgotten.
Of course, i haven't forgotten.
How can anyone forget your parents?
What'd you mean by that?
Nothing. You're parents are great.
They're really...great.
Good. Great!
Well, we should be going.
Fantastic.
I'm just going to pop to the loo.
I hope there's a lock on the door.
You know.
You wouldn't want to have to whistle or anything.
Yes, you're looking very nice today, Sally.
But I'm sure I'll manage to contain my excitement.
Good. ( gasps )
is something wrong?
It's just my stockings.
Oh, are you wearing stockings, too?
Come on! I'm just going to the loo, for God's sake.
Sally isn't wearing stockings.
I happen to know she's wearing tights and thermal pants.
Okay. That's just one step too far!
All right. Here's the deal.
I'm going to the loo, okay?
Nothing's gonna happen here that's going to cause me
to lose control.
Oh!
I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Um...
I've got my drink all down you.
I really am sorry. You're soaking.
Oh!
Patrick: It's her, isn't it?
E.t. Phone home!
No, no...
I'm fine, really.
I've completely soaked your trousers.
Don't worry about it.
I was about to go to the toilet anyway.
Not that i was intending to wet my trousers, obviously.
Although i am pleased to meet you.
Right...
I-I'm Steve, by the way.
Hello, Steve.
( Susan clears throat )
oh! And this is my girlfriend...
Usan!
Who? Oh, yes!
Uh, this is Susan!
Hi, Susan.
My girlfriend.
Right.
Well, uh... Good to meet you.
Sorry again.
Uh...look, i--
we'll talk about it later. Right.
At length. Yes.
Oh...
He forgot her name.
He forgot to go to the loo.
I know.
You'd think he'd want a last look at them.
Jane?
Jane: Mariella frostrup
is so me.
You got a plan to meet her, then?
There's always a way, Sally.
Always.
Right. Here we go, then.
Susan's just in the kitchen doing all that...
Well, you know, whatever it is she does in the kitchen.
( chuckling ) great.
I can see Susan's been making her mark here.
Well, you know how it is.
She spends rather a lot of time here these days, doesn't she?
Most of the time, really.
Well, you know...
Oh, we know...
Naughty, naughty.
Oh, yes, we're...naughty.
We're ever so naughty.
Well, i mean, fairly naughty.
Uh, actually, probably about medium naughty.
Well, medium to fairly, I'd say.
It's great how we can
talk about these things, isn't it?
I mean, being so open. It's really great.
There's no point in being all prissy, is there?
Absolutely not. Prissy--i hate that.
So, Susan tells us you've started doing solos.
Um...
Her dad's just the same, aren't you dear?
Well, no harm in it, is there, Steve?
Well, no... No, no, of course not.
Exactly.
It's p-perfectly natural.
Of course it is.
I've always said to Susan,
if you're going to live with a man,
you've got to get used to all his funny little habits.
Oh, right.
Good.
You okay, Steve? Yes, yes.
It's just you look a little unrelaxed.
No, no. Not at all. Not me.
I mean, you know what they say,
if music be the food of love,
then masturbation is just a snack between meals.
I mean we all do it, don't we?
I do.
That's for sure.
I mean, i get turned on if i see my right hand naked.
How are we all doing in here?
We're just getting relaxed.
Just having a good ol' relaxed chat.
I was just telling mom and dad
how you've started whistling to yourself.
Dad's just the same, aren't you dad?
Yes, i am.
I... whistle.
Yes, he whistles...
Tunes...
Solo.
Back in a moment.
Um...
Susan probably needs a hand.
Not as much as you do.
Apparently.
Oh, i know her.
And her.
( whispering ) over here.
They're not really lesbians.
Trust me.
Okay, what do you think?
What am i supposed to be looking for?
That's me.
The one at the back, that's mine.
Whoa...
I don't believe it.
I've been sold.
She sold me as a sex aid.
You sure that's you?
I mean...all of it?
Excuse me. Um...
Could we have a closer look at one of these, please?
Which one?
Right at the back there.
The Scary one.
Oh, the junior Patrick.
You're mariella frostrup.
Yes, i know.
What a coincidence.
I'm sorry?
I'm in the business, too.
Really?
So that's a coincidence, isn't it?
What do you do?
I deal mostly with traffic issues.
Oh, you're more show biz, though, aren't you?
Well, and panorama.
Well, yes, panorama. I'm really pleased to see you
tackling more serious journalism these days.
Thank you.
I quite often have to handle the North circular myself.
When you say...
"Traffic" issues...
Well, i mean i report...
On traffic...
From a helicopter.
Quite a big one.
I see it very much as a stepping Stone.
But in the meantime it's a real chance to influence...
Traffic.
Traffic?
It's great, actually.
I tell a few little fibs,
and, suddenly, I've got a very easy drive home.
And once a month
i get to really take it out on the a-40.
I always say what other job,
outside of a nuclear submarine,
allows you to work off your pmt on a whole city!
Maybe it's just the name,
maybe she just named it after you.
I don't know. It's very similar.
Even that bit?
Definitely that bit.
Wow.
So you guys gonna buy this or what?
Ha ha ha ha!
E're not buying it.
We're not buying it together or anything.
No, it's a gift. It's a gift.
For someone else who is not us.
A completely different person.
A woman person.
We know lots of those.
In fact, i want it gift-wrapped.
It's a gift. I'd like it wrapped...
Like a gift. Okay?
Do you want to start an account with us? No, thank you.
We can give you a code name. It's very discreet.
No, it's not necessary.
Yeah. We don't need accounts.
We don't need code names.
So just wrap that, will you?
Certainly.
This lots to be sent off to "caravan shaker."
Out the back.
Steve: H, for God's sake! 'm sorry.
But you're gonna have to go!
I don't understand! What did i say?
You know perfectly well what you said!
It was completely out of line!
I--i--
there is openness,
and then there is openness.
You overstepped the line!
I really don't understand!
It's just better if we bring the evening to an end.
Thank you! Good night!
This is ridiculous!
The boy's gone mad!
Ha ha! I'm sorry...
But that was completely out of line.
Did you hear what he just said?
Yes, i heard what he said.
First of all,
he spend all evening winding me up about
whistling,
about how I'll tire out my lips if i whistle too much.
He just meant whistling.
Actual whistling. He was embarrassed.
He was trying to make jokes.
But you heard what he said just then.
Yes, i did.
"All that whistling--
by the time Susan gets home, you'll be too tired to--"
well, actually,
i don't want to use the word he used.
"Pucker."
By the time Susan gets home,
you'll be too tired to pucker.
Pucker?
Pucker.
Not--
no.
I see.
I suppose you think this is all my fault.
Steve, i-- it's at least partly the television's fault,
if they hadn't put that program on!
It is not the television's fault! It is your fault!
Now go and find them! Yes, yes. All right.
I've really got to go now.
I've got this live broadcast thing,
mustn't be late.
It's really good we met each other, isn't it?
It's a tough business, and we need all the help you can get.
Well, i suppose.
If there's ever any help we can be to each other,
please don't hesitate to offer.
Look, I'll see you around. Okay?
Oh!she's mine!
How did it go?
I think i came across well.
Although i did mention nuclear weaponry
in the context of pmt.
I must stop doing that.
I want in.
On mariella?
Yeah. Sorry.
There's no passengers. You don't have the skills.
No. But I've got this.
The mariella mobile, the hot line to frostrup.
I want to be a mariella mate, too.
What about Susan?
Susan's not part of the deal.
E're going to be mariella's friends now.
There isn't room for everybody.
We? Just you and me. Susan's out.
She's my oldest friend.
Okay.
Do you know what this is?
Do you know what this simple phone is, Sally?
It's a golden ladder to celebrityland.
With just this phone, we can ascend
to a whole new plane of existence.
We can leave the drab, ordinary world behind
and go to all those parties in the color supplements.
We'll have famous people for friends
and go to their houses and see their toilets!
Nothing, nothing, Sally...
Is ever going to be dull again.
( sighs )
okay. Here goes.
And it's all down to your phone.
Okay. How long do you think we should wait
before we ring that "mariella mobile"?
Jane...
Jane: Aaahh!!!
( indistinct voices )
ha ha! So pucker, i thought,
sounds like... You see?
So he must have thought i said...
That's exactly what he thought.
So we thought we'd better come back and sort it all out.
So he's still out looking for us?
Probably buying you flowers or a bottle of something.
Those are his normal guilt reflexes.
Better try and get hold of him.
Patrick: Steve!
I need to speak to Susan.
What's so urgent?
She's the only ex i can trust.
I need a second opinion.
What is it?
( whispering ) a sculpture.
This isn't a good moment. I'll see you tomorrow.
It's important. Just show it to her.
Some other time!
Look, they've got satellite.
Oh, Robert.
Y the nationwide poster campaign...
Oh, please, not her.
Steve's completely obsessed with mariella frostrup.
Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm not.
( cellular rings )
that's my mobile.
No, it's me. I was just trying to get hold of you.
( continues to ring )
where is my phone?
( continues to ring )
actually--I'm sorry.
S that--is that a phone ringing?
( continues to ring )
sounds like you forgot to
turn your mobile phone off, mariella.
His isn't mine.
've never seen this phone before in my life.
Ome on, who did it?
Nswer it.
Ive 'em a fright.
Ello. This is mariella frostrup.
Ou are live on television.
Hello?
This is Steve Taylor's phone.
He's not gonna be live anywhere!
Bloody television!
Every single time!
Obviously, she must have picked up my mobile.
Uh...accidentally.
Apparently.
Good night, mother. Good night, father.
Where are you going?
To my room!
You mean my room?
Hat's your room!
On the sofa?
Good night, Steve.
Oh, come on--
and Steve, if you want anything tonight,
anything at all,
just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
As i recall, you just put your lips together
and...
Not tonight, lover.
Perhaps we'd better go.
I'm sorry.
I think I've probably run out of ways
to make the evening worse.
I don't know how to apologize.
No. I imagine you don't.
But i suppose we have to give you credit for trying.
Good night.
Um...
Actually...
Well, thanks for phoning, Sally.
I should have known you two had something to do with it.
It was worth it just to see the look on his face
when mariella answered the phone.
No. I'm still at Steve's. I'm going to go home later.
Apparently, the traffic in town is really hellish.
The a-40 s at a standstill.
Yeah...
Okay, then. See you. Bye.
Steve?
What's all this?
Apparently your mother really liked her present.
* if you can't make your mind up *
* we'll never get started *
* and i don't want to wind up *
* being parted *
* broken-hearted *
* so if you really love me *
* say yes *
* and please don't tell me *
* perhaps *