*
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps *
( Doorbell rings )
I thought it was time.
Jane?
Jane!
What, just turned up on your doorstep?
Just turned up on my doorstep.
Why?
That's what i asked her.
That's the first thing i said.
I said, "why?"
Come in.
What did she say?
She just came in.
I had no idea what to say.
Drink?
Thanks.
Obviously, you ask her what she's doing there.
Of course i do.
You must be wondering
Why i'm here.
Yeah, okay.
I'm a very perceptive person.
Have you noticed that, patrick?
No.
I can sense walls.
Walls?
Where you and i are concerned,
I think i'm sensing a wall.
When we're all out together,
You and i never speak.
Never, patrick.
Now, why do you never come and talk to me, patrick?
Well, i've never really had to.
There's always been blokes around.
Well, that's sad.
Because, the funny thing is,
I think we've both got a lot in common.
I know i have.
Look, i haven't been avoiding you on purpose.
Don't feel bad.
I don't feel bad.
No, i've dealt with all my bad feelings.
I went on a course.
A course?
"Learning to love yourself."
I came top.
She's mad, isn't she--Jane?
Totally bonkers. Oh, yeah.
The thing about jane, right,
The think that you've got to understand--
Oh, god!
No, this is relevant.
Okay--
Imagine there's this big bus crash
Outside your house.
Bus crash?
Bus crash, yeah.
And it was all supermodels on board, right--
And helen mirren--
And you had to build
Just one supermodel out of the wreckage--
Or one helen mirren.
And you decided to use just the best bits--
Which might seem a bit heartless,
But, you know, these things have to be done
In the real world.
And, as luck would have it, you've got all the right bits.
You don't have, like, no heads and three arses,
Which would be great if you like arses,
But it would be rubbish for a modeling career,
Or screen nudity.
Actually, that would be great for screen nudity.
Anyway, so if you built your new supermodel--
Or your new helen mirren-- Out of all the best bits,
Then why,
Why did claudia schiffer shag david copperfield?
Relevant, you said?
Well, it's relevant. It's bloody relevant.
There's a supermodel who shags total prats,
And i don't know where she lives.
So--Jane.
Do you know what else i can sense, patrick?
Um...
pollen?
No.
Dog whistles?
The ozone layer?
I sense absolute, terrible, tragic loneliness.
Aw.
So you came round here for a bit of company?
Good decision. I'm pleased you did that.
No, no, no!
I'm not lonely. I'm never lonely.
Oh.
No, i held a workshop on loneliness
At my local community center for a year to help others.
That's true, actually.
But no one ever came.
She used to sit in a room on her own once a week
With a sign on the door that said "loneliness."
People thought she was an exhibit.
Why helen mirren?
Because she's just so naked, isn't she?
It's like she's just got to get her clothes off.
It's like her breasts are afraid of the dark.
Aren't we drifting from the point here?
When a helen mirren film comes on the telly,
That's like a guarantee.
Her name says, "okay, boys,
You better watch this one with the curtains shut."
Jane!
What do you do when you're unhappy, patrick?
It's never really come up.
No, what do you do
When you really need someone?
Pull.
I sense the loneliness in this room.
I sense the lonely hours that you've spent here.
But i don't feel lonely.
I'm getting you... standing here.
Yeah. Just gripping on to this mantelpiece.
Am i right?
Yeah.
But i definitely wasn't alone.
And then you-- You pace around,
And then... you go into the next room.
Uh, actually, that's a cupboard.
That's a bit odd.
Jenny agutter.
Oh, yes!
Jenny agutter is consistent.
Jenny agutter's like a brand name
Of screen nudity.
Even in logan's run.
For no reason at all.
Walkabout.
What a movie. Fantastic movie.
Walkabout is the industry standard
For frontal work.
Can we just get back on the subject here, guys?
What was in the cupboard?
Sharon, of course.
Oh! Sharon stone!
Yeah! Sharon doesn't mind what's showing.
It's like, "hello, i'm sharon. Pass me that small comb."
Exactly.
She's the american answer to gail porter.
No, no, no. Gail's never gone the full walkabout.
True. True.
Gail's only gone as far as full-Backal.
Full-Backal?
Full-Backals really annoy me.
It's like unfinished work.
But it does leave something to the imagination, though.
Yeah, i suppose.
And your crayons.
Yeah, okay, jeff.
Slightly too much insight
Into your leisure time, thank you.
So, patrick, the cupboard.
Why do you have...
britt ekland!
Oh, oh, oh, britt!
Britt ekland spells "naked."
Can i just mention the film the wicker man ?
The dance in the hotel room?
The birth of my libido. Mine, too.
It was on the other night. I taped it.
Let's all go to patrick's.
No, no. I was only six.
I had seen parts of britt ekland that i couldn't even name.
I was seven.
I didn't realize that television could do that.
I started watching it all day, every day,
Just in case it did it again.
With you on that one.
My parents thought i was in love with the tv set.
You were watching it all the time?
Well, yeah. With you there, too.
But, also, i'd get aroused the moment it was switched on,
Even if it was just the news or doctor who.
Okay, not quite so with you now.
One day-- One day i lost control
In front of my whole family during songs of praise.
Lost control?
Completely wrote off the television.
Sorry, you're telling us that, as a young child,
And despite the obvious electrical dangers,
You sexually assaulted the television set
During songs of praise?
Is...
is that what happened to your hair?
The cupboard!
Why do you have so many videos?
Why have they all got girls' names on them?
Well...if i tape a film,
Like basic instinct, say,
And i don't want to forget which tape the film is on,
I give the tape a name...
like paula,
Or... astrid.
Do you think i'm a complete idiot, patrick?
Well, i hadn't really thought about it.
Those aren't films.
Those are women you've slept with.
You've videotaped all the women you've had sex with,
Haven't you?
I can explain.
Yes, i have.
And you keep them in a cupboard,
Like a lot of old movies.
How do you think they'd feel if they knew that?
How do you think--
Barbarella would feel?
Actually, that is a movie.
Oh, patrick, patrick, patrick.
You're so sad, and so desperate,
And so very, very lonely.
Room in your cupboard for one more?
"Room in your cupboard for one more?"
Biggest come-On i've ever had.
Oh, you've had more than one come-On?
Oh, that's brilliant!
Anyway, how did we get started on all this stuff?
What was the question?
How are you?
Fine, thanks.
Here's another question--
Do you keep tapes of all your exes?
Well, below a certain weight.
I do have a quality threshold.
So you've still got susan, then?
Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely.
Susan's a keeper.
You've still got a tape of my girlfriend?
He keeps the tapes?
"Room in your cupboard for one more?" You said that?
Yeah. I really thought i'd gone to his house
To heal our spiritual divide,
But it turned out i was just gagging for a shag.
Those two are so similar!
Never mind that. Does he keep all the tapes?
Did you see?
This isn't fair.
I was gonna have patrick.
Sally, please.
Now you're having patrick.
And she's had patrick lots of times.
I'll be the only one who hasn't been patricked.
You're the only one who hasn't been steved.
Oh, jane.
Steve's nice, but patrick's enormous.
Really?
It's like scientists crossed a donkey with a pole vaulter.
According to susan.
Is this true?
Is patrick a pole-Vaulter-Donkey-Man?
You mean, you didn't notice?
Uh, i didn't get that far.
Are you suggesting we...
i only want to heal your loneliness.
Woman's voice: hurry up, patrick.
Well, you'll have to be quick.
I should go.
I didn't realize that you had company.
Obviously i'd love to, but, um...
well, i've got her down to her underwear,
And, you know, women can be a bit sensitive
If you try to swap them over at that point.
No apologies, patrick.
I don't compete with other women.
Great. Thanks.
Uh...
underwear?
What's that?
You've got my girlfriend naked on video?
No. I've got my girlfriend naked on video.
But she's my girlfriend now.
Yes, but on the tape, she's my girlfriend.
Patrick!
You no longer have the naked rights to susan.
I have the naked rights to susan now.
You can't keep the tape!
Yes, i can. At the time the tape was made,
I had the naked rights!
Patrick, you don't get to see my girlfriend naked.
That's the rules!
Oh, jeff, tell him the naked rules.
I love the word "naked."
It's brilliant, isn't it?
Naked.
Thanks, jeff.
When i was a kid, i used to write "naked"
Hundreds of times on a bit of paper,
And then rub my face in it.
It's better than sex.
Every morning i wake up glad i'm not you.
Me, too.
You shagged the barmaid here, right?
Yeah, ages ago. Before she got married.
You make a tape of her? Yes, i did.
Can i have a loan?
Sorry, i had to tape over the barmaid.
Exactly.
You had to tape over her 'cause she's married now,
And because you're not a completely shallow bastard.
Actually, it's 'cause i saw her breast-Feeding.
Okay, maybe a touch of shallowness there.
Steve, i'm only thinking of you.
I mean, i'm on the tape, too.
What if she does stuff on the tape with me she doesn't do with you?
What stuff?
There could be stuff.
I've very nearly proposed to this woman.
Very nearly?
Well, i'm actually going to propose any second...
soon as i know what her answer is.
So i can assure you,
She's doing maximum stuff with me.
Susan has commitment-Sex with steve.
Exactly.
Whereas she had full-Sex with patrick.
She has full-Sex with me.
More than full-Sex.
Sex doesn't just have to be an animal act, you know.
It's like a meeting of two people.
A conversation.
What?
You mean, face to face?
Right. That is it, patrick.
I'm gonna see that tape.
No, steve, you are not.
And if this is all you guys can talk about,
I'm off. See ya.
He is way out of line.
Patrick is way, way out of line.
I can't believe he keeps the tapes.
I can't believe you were gonna shag patrick.
I'm just feeling so ridiculously horny.
I swear, if i didn't have my heart set on sex with a man,
You two would be in serious trouble.
Ugh! I could never have sex with another woman.
What if she had a smaller bottom?
'Scuse me, i have a crisis here.
Way above bottoms on the crisis scale.
We're women.
There is nothing above bottoms on the crisis scale.
Bottoms are our natural enemy.
Sally, please.
They follow us around our entire lives,
Right behind us and constantly growing.
How do they do that?
I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.
Can we focus on my problem for a moment?
I'm naked and, indeed, pornographic
In patrick's video cupboard.
Uh, i never even made it into the cupboard.
I turned down my cupboard opportunity.
Guys, please.
Now, when i eventually sleep with patrick,
I'll be older.
I could have stayed forever young
In the cupboard of patrick's love.
Sally...
i'm gonna have to do him really soon
Before my bottom takes over my entire body.
Steve is now friends with patrick.
Patrick has a tape of me.
Steve is gonna see the tape!
The man who has very nearly almost proposed to me
Is gonna see that bloody tape!
It's still a "very nearly almost"?
Well, i'm trying not to answer before he actually asks.
That can look keen.
Patrick wouldn't show him the tapes.
And steve wouldn't watch it.
Even they'd have more taste.
We're talking about men.
They regard nose-Picking as the bright side
Of having flu.
She's got a point.
Even if he sees the tape, so what?
Well, he'll see me with patrick.
He might be upset.
Is patrick better?
You mean, patrick's got technique?
He's pole-Vaulter-Donkey-Man, and he's got technique?
That's not just a hopeless dream?
Again, sally, we're talking about men.
They think the purpose of foreplay
Is to make your neck as wet as possible
And drown your ears.
They have the technique of an affectionate dog--
But without the loyalty.
So what's the problem?
Well...
i think i've started doing my orgasms differently.
"Doing" them?
You mean, you fake your orgasms?
Well, no. I--I don't fake them, as such.
Sometimes i just start a little early
Just to guide them to the right spot.
It's not so much "faking" as...
turning on the landing lights.
Talking them down
With a few encouraging sound effects.
Otherwise, it's all that "down a bit, over a bit,
No, dear, that's your own thumb."
Trouble is, it doesn't actually glow in the dark.
So you've never been with a woman, then?
Susan.
Hi. Can i come in?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Something wrong?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, i was talking to the girls last night,
And the subject of your video cupboard came up.
Right.
Look, i know it's your thing,
And i'm not in any position to get prudish,
But i would like to know that the tape is in safe hands.
Come on, susan.
I've told steve,
Now i'm telling you--
That tape stays in my cupboard.
Thanks, patrick.
Shouldn't have insulted you by even asking.
Well, that's okay.
Steve: bloody hell!!!
She's never done that with me!!!
So, who's never done what with you, darling?
Um...
we were just watching something.
Really? What?
Jenny agutter.
Jenny agutter?
Walkabout.
We're watching walkabout.
Aw...you're upset that jenny agutter's never gone
On an aboriginal walkabout with you?
I admit i was surprised
At the strength of my own response.
Susan on vcr: oh, patrick. Oh, babe!
Jeff: oh, yes. Yes, there! Oh, that's it!
I think they found a lake.
I am, as it happens, capable of telling the difference
Between walkabout and homemade porn.
Particularly if it's porn in which i am playing the lead.
Well, the female lead.
Sorry.
Patrick, i cannot believe
You would have shown steve that tape.
Steve, i can't believe you would have watched it.
No, don't speak!
I'm too angry for you to speak.
I'm more angry than i have ever, ever been.
Look at me, boys,
Because this is as angry as i get.
Ow!!!
( Steve and susan moaning )
Go, susan, go.
Su--Go, go, go!
Naked. Naked susan. Naked.
* susan, susan, susan *
* susan, susan, su... *
* susan! *
* oh, susan! Susan, susan, susan *
* susan, susan, susan, susan, su *
* susan, oh, susan, su-- *
Well?
Aren't you gonna continue with your song?
Nah.
Why not?
Forgotten the words.
Susan, um, i'm really sorry about this.
It was a bad idea-- A pub idea.
A-A-And i didn't mean to bring jeff.
S-S-Sometimes he's hard to get rid of.
How long have you been watching this tape?
A-About five minutes.
Five minutes?
Yes, just five, yes.
Five minutes?
Look, i'm really, really sorry.
Five whole minutes?
Do you know what's really disgusting about that, steve?
Yes, i do.
I really do.
I don't think you do.
No, no. I--I absolutely do.
I'll tell you what's really disgusting about that, steve.
That's not me!
Well, it's a very similar bottom.
That bottom is twice the size of mine.
Similar breasts.
Look at her face, boys.
That's not susan!
How could you have watched this
For five whole minutes
And failed to notice that it's not me?
How could you mistake that
For a video of my bottom? Look at it!
Well, it's very low-Quality.
I know. Look at the cellulite!
I meant picture quality.
I like cellulite.
It's like a bit of variety, isn't it?
Couldn't you tell you had the wrong tape?
Well, it had your name on the label.
Even if it had my name on the label,
Surely you'd...
( moaning continues )
Patrick?
Yes, susan?
Have you taped over me?
Um...
did you tape that woman over me?
I can explain.
Yes, i did.
That bottom--Over me?
Is this true, patrick?
Have you taped over my girlfriend?
Yes, okay? Yes.
That's why i didn't want to show you the tape.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
So you just thought you'd show the tape anyway,
And no one would notice it wasn't me.
Look, in fairness to patrick, we didn't notice.
And i've not seen your bottom,
So, really, it's just steve you should be angry with.
Sorry, steve. You can't always save everyone.
It's bad enough you kept the tape, patrick,
But now you've erased it, too.
That doesn't make sense. Well, i'm angry.
Making sense gets in the way.
Hang on, it's finished.
Oh, i remember this one. It's a quickie.
Don't worry, there'll still be lots of you.
We just taped over the foreplay.
There was foreplay?
No, we're not going to watch this.
Look, it's private. It's personal stuff.
I think we've learned our lesson. I'm sorry.
No, hang on.
What?
I want to show you
The complete difference in bottoms.
Susan. Here we go.
Just watch this for a moment, okay?
Just--Just look.
Tv announcer: and now on bbc2--
Britt ekland in the wicker man.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Okay, okay.
Let's put britt back in the cupboard, shall we?
What? Come on!
See how long she lasts.
I realized you were anxious
To get into patrick's cupboard, sally,
But i didn't know this was what you had in mind.
No, no, no. I just, sort of,
Popped in here when i heard you arrive.
You mean, you hid?
Oh, no, no, no.
There just weren't enough chairs in the living room
For everyone to sit down.
Oh, so you thought you'd stand in a cupboard?
Manners cost nothing.
Sally wanted to see the tape, too.
She arrived just after jeff and steve.
I just wanted to see what the tapes were like
In case i ever decide to appear in one.
By the way, you might want to do some work on your bottom.
That wasn't my bottom!
Oh, i know how you feel, but denial gets you nowhere.
( Doorbell rings )
I just wanted a quiet day in.
Here's your starter for ten, everyone--
Who could that possibly be?
Patrick: jane.
Jane: i'm very worried
About the size of your loneliness.
Oh, are you trying to deal with your loneliness
By surrounding yourself with friends?
How's that gonna work?
The size of his loneliness?
I meant, uh, scale.
Women are always saying "size" accidentally,
Don't you find? Yeah.
Anyway,
What are you all doing here,
And why wasn't i invited, huh?
Is it something fun?
Oh, heaps of fun.
We were watching porn videos about me.
I'm being played by britt ekland.
Porn videos?
Oh, is it the tape of you and patrick?
Have i missed much?
God, what is it with you lot?
Why do you all have this desperate desire
To see me naked?
Oh, susan. No one wants to see you naked.
Okay, that came out wrong.
The first time i saw you all in one place,
I had to show you a breast.
What is it you want this time? Any requests?
Well, i don't know about anybody el--
It's not gonna happen, jeff!
Sorry.
So if i hadn't turned up,
And if patrick hadn't taped over me...
this would've been my audience.
And all thanks to you.
Wait, wait. It's not steve's fault.
You can't blame steve.
Jeff-- It's the cupboard's fault.
There's too much nudity in the cupboard, you know.
With that amount of naked breasts in one place...
we--We-- We can't help ourselves.
We--We home.
We're drawn like...
perverted moths.
Perverted moths?
To the flame of breasts.
The... flaming breasts.
You really don't have enough blood
For both ends of your body, do you, patrick?
And that's a guarantee.
Well, there you are, then.
I'm not a bad boyfriend.
I-I-I'm a perverted moth,
And you're on fire.
No, you're not a bad boyfriend, steve.
You're an ex.
Susan!
You know that question you very nearly almost asked me?
You weren't frightened the answer would be "no,"
You were frightened it would be "yes."
Too many naked women left in the cupboard.
And you're not ready to leave yet.
Good-Bye.
She wasn't right for you, mate.
She was beautiful, she was great in bed...
and she was a really nice person.
Yeah.
You should have held on to her, really, shouldn't you?
Thanks, jeff.
Oi...
we better go. Yeah.
Oh, i lost my naked rights, didn't i?
Never mind.
Plenty more naked fish in the cupboard.
W-W-Water cupboard.
Water closet.
Jeff,
A water closet is a toilet.
Are you trying to comfort me by telling me
There's plenty more fish in the toilet?
I think what jeff is trying to say
Is there are plenty more fish in the toilet of love.
That's right, isn't it, jeff?
How are you feeling?
Flushed.
( Snoring )
( Door slams )
S-Susan?
Propose.
Propose?
Right now.
Propose.
I may say "yes,"
I may say "no."
I may or may not be wearing anything
Underneaththis coat.
You know there's only one way
I'll know this is real life and not just a very good dream.
What's that?
The usual.
Steve, look!
It's britt ekland.
* if you can't make your mind up *
* we'll never get started *
* and i don't wanna wind up *
* being parted, broken-Hearted *
* so if you really love me *
* say yes *
* and please don't tell me *
* perhaps *
* perhaps, perhaps *