*
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps *
( Machine whirring )
( Vacuum stops )
Got here early.
Right.
Thought i'd tidy up a bit.
She was tidying up my flat.
Serious. Very.
Yeah, a buttock-Clenching moment.
Excellent.
What?
Well, was she bending over or something?
No. I clenched my own buttocks, patrick.
No offense, but that's a pretty basic mistake.
No, i mean i experienced fear.
I...puckered.
You..."puckered"?
Yes! I-I-In a moment of consuming terror,
My...rear iris closed.
What?
Okay, imagine this, patrick.
Some woman that you know, right?
Your mother, your sister, your girlfriend
Is, even now, without any advance warning,
Tidying up your flat!
Yeah, probably.
No, no. Really tidying.
Thoroughly.
Under your bed.
Back of that high shelf in your wardrobe.
Among your video collection.
Oh, that iris.
New haircut?
Yeah.
Got a lot of big meetings coming up, you know?
Wanted the "hard man" look.
Isn't it a bit, um...
what?
Gay.
This is not a gay cut.
This is a "hard man" cut.
What came over you? I don't know.
I just suddenly had this impulse to tidy his flat.
It was scary.
Maybe tidying is true love.
No. Oral sex.
Yeah, when you're still doing it
Without preconditions.
You do oral sex without preconditions?
Sure. Absolutely.
How do you get anything done around the house?
You get a man in.
You know...
i think i've always misunderstood that phrase.
Listen, i hope you don't mind...
i'm taping something on your vcr.
Fine. No problem.
Don't worry, i found a blank tape.
Where?
What?
Where did you look for the tape?
It was lying by the telly, on the floor.
Right.
Great.
Oh, there was a tape in the machine,
But i thought you'd probably want to keep it.
Did you know which tape?
I don't take notes, patrick.
I don't know which tape is in the machine
At any given moment.
But did you know if it was one of--
Those tapes.
I couldn't remember.
I don't keep a self-Abuse log.
Well, neither do i.
What specifically did you tell your hairdresser?
I said i wanted a "hard man."
You interfered with a man's vcr?
You never know what you're gonna find.
I found it.
Well?
Porn?
Yes.
Which one?
Not...
inferno?
Inferno.
Oh, my god. No problem.
What?
As long as she hasn't watched it.
You can't tell anything from a title like inferno.
Patrick, um...
inferno isn't the full title.
Well, how bad can it be?
Lesbian spank inferno?
The thing was, though,
I don't know if she's seen the title on the label.
So, how am i supposed to play it?
Does she now think i'm some kind of masturbating pervert?
You are.
We all are.
True.
So...
how are you?
Fine. How are you?
Great.
How are you?
You've already asked.
What?
You've just asked me how i am, twice.
Well...
i love you.
You see, i don't know
If he knows if i've seen the tape.
He said he loved you?
It's what men do
When there's a gap in the conversation.
They hate silence.
It makes them feel guilty.
Pause for a second,
And they ask you, "what's wrong?"
Two seconds, and they ask if you've got your period.
Three seconds, and they love you.
I went out with him for five years.
He never said he loved me.
It's easy, if that's what you want.
You've just got to ride the pause.
Trust me, most marriage proposals
Are the result of a longer-Than-Average silence.
I can't believe he said he loved you.
You haven't even been going out for two months.
I can't believe you said you loved her.
She wasn't even naked!
That's not the point!
I don't know if she's seen the tape.
I still don't know.
And if she's seen it, what does she think?
You're worried she might think you're a lesbian?
Oh, wouldn't that be great?
What?
Being a lesbian.
All the advantages of being a man
But with less embarrassing genitals.
Plus, every time you have sex,
There's four breasts!
Two guest breasts...
and two you can take home afterwards.
Oh, it's bloody brilliant!
I like films with lesbians in them,
'Cause it's nice to think
There are attractive women who can't find a boyfriend.
No, patrick. They're lesbians.
Yeah, that's what i said.
You have the sexual politics of a viking attack.
Wait, you're saying i can't convert lesbians.
I could convert lesbians.
I bet patrick can pull lesbians.
Thank you.
He'd confuse them with his haircut.
So then what happened?
A few more conversation gaps.
So i did the girlie thing.
You know, we should have a dinner party.
Fine.
But not the usual crowd.
Let's get some new people in.
Good idea.
So you'll both come, yeah?
Course. Love to.
Oh, yeah, do you guys want to come for dinner?
Absolutely. Sure.
Nice.
Five years i went out with that man.
It's not that i want him back or anything,
It's just he never once told me he loved me.
He goes out with this new woman,
And he's in love with her straight away.
How does that look to people?
I'm sure there's been staring.
Two points.
One--We agreed two months ago to end your therapy
As it was going nowhere, remember?
I thought that was an exercise
To help me cope with rejection.
No, that was rejection.
Don't say that.
You can't just barge in here anytime you feel like it
And talk about yourself for 20 solid minutes.
I'm supposed to be talking to mr. And mrs. Tyler
About their marital difficulties.
Who?
I really think it would be best
If you look for treatment elsewhere.
I've got this dinner party to go to,
And they'll both be there.
I'm not sure i can cope without help.
Someone else's help.
Oh, that's good, isn't it?
Because, if you like animals--
This is evasion, jane.
I know about that. It's in all the manuals.
Evasion, you say? That's interesting.
Jane.
Is this personal?
Of course it isn't personal.
Because if it isn't personal, then we can be friends.
I just need some friendly help about this dinner party.
This is, as usual, about your fear of rejection,
And, as usual,
You're attempting to manipulate me
By emphasizing your vulnerability.
It's what we call passive-Aggressive,
And it doesn't work on me because i'm a professional.
Hi, steve.
This is my friend jill.
Hi.
Jane's brought someone.
I didn't say to bring people.
Did you?
Well, you know jane.
Why did she have to bring a date?
It's a woman.
You mean, it's not a date?
Well, jane swings both ways. I mean, it could be a date.
Probably is.
Both: playstation!
So, a lesbo couple, eh?
And it might be best if you killed jeff.
Less embarrassing all around. Yeah.
This is real life, jeff.
Not your sordid little lesbian fantasy.
Oh, and you better hide your videos.
I-I-I'll just.. G-Get the drinks.
Hi.
Jane's in the loo.
Right.
Good.
So, you're jane's...friend.
Well, if "friend" is the right word.
Oh, yes.
You realize i'm her--
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
She's mentioned me, then. Interesting.
Well-- Not you specifically.
But we--We assumed she was seeing someone.
Well, you would assume that with jane, wouldn't you?
She's very attractive.
Must be a bit embarrassing for you, being her ex.
Obviously, we've talked about you.
Obviously.
Nothing bad, don't worry.
So, um...
how long have you two been...
having sessions?
Are you all right?
Fine, fine. Um...
that was blunt, but that's good.
Blunt is good.
I tried to break it off with her a while back,
But you know how it is with jane.
Oh, yes.
She comes once a week,
Whether i want her to or not.
Really?
She's unstoppable.
H-How does that work, exactly?
Once a week, doesn't matter what i do.
That's quite unusual, isn't it?
Did she do the same thing with you
When you were going out?
Not on a strictly weekly basis, no.
I'm sorry, am i making you nervous?
No, no, no, no...
no.
Because, sometimes what i do
Makes people nervous in a social context--
Particularly men.
Well, speaking as a man,
I-I think you guys have got the right idea.
You've--You've got the best of both worlds.
What do you mean?
Well, you know.
No, i don't.
Well, um...
you've got four breasts!
I'm sorry?! No, hang on--
This blouse isn't particularly flattering--
No! No! But i really had nothing else.
I'm not saying you've got four at the moment,
Just when you're... what?
You know. What?
Y-Y-You're excited.
You think i develop extra breasts when i'm excited?
No, not so much develop.
Acquire.
What, in the name of god, are you talking about?
Sorry. Sorry.
I've been totally sidetracked
By the complete irrelevance of your breasts.
Uh, no, not that you have irrelevant breasts.
I mean, you've only got two, that's for sure.
Unless you were some sort of cow.
Oh, no. A very attractive cow. A prize-Winning cow.
But you're not a cow. You're a person.
But i bet you'd be a prize-Winning person
If they had a sort of cattle market for women.
A women market...
which, thinking about it,
Would be a bad thing in many ways.
Hello, steve. How are you?
Fine. Great. Absolutely.
Ooh, could you remind lovely susan
That jill and i are vegetarian?
You're what?
You're not a vegetarian.
I'm bi-Vegetarian.
What? That doesn't exist. It's not possible.
I'm an emotional vegetarian, jill.
I know a lot of vegetarians,
And we tend to like the same films.
Do you have a problem with that?
You can never finish your greens,
And you can suck a whole pig through a straw.
I'm not exclusively vegetarian, jill,
If that's what you're trying to say.
Vegetarianism, for me, is about...
saying "yes" to things,
Even meat.
No, it isn't.
Look, um...
i'll--I'll just tell susan about the...
vegetable thing.
Ooh.
We are being mrs. Judgemental this evening.
How did i let you talk me into this?
I explained how we're friends now, remember?
Vividly.
They're vegetarians. Is that okay?
And they're fighting.
Didn't think they did that.
Well, let's hope it doesn't get out of hand.
We don't want it to develop
Into a vegetarian spank inferno.
Ah.
So you were discussing your little habit
With your little pal, were you?
( Whispers ) thanks, jeff.
Is something wrong?
Apparently.
You always say "apparently"
When you're really angry about something.
Well, there's a useful clue.
Is this about the tape?
You've known about the tape for a week.
Everyone's known about the tape.
Apparently.
( Doorbell rings )
I'll get that.
How does jeff knowing make a difference?
Let me put it this way--
I pride myself on my cooking.
Sorry? So if you feel the need
To nip out for a sandwich in between courses,
I'd be obliged if you didn't advertise the fact.
Right. Okay.
Does anybody other than jeff know?
No, no, no. Absolutely not, no one.
Jane's just arrived--
With a female girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
Better hide your videos.
Oh, for christ's sake!
Oh, thanks, patrick. Susan--
What did i do?
You just told susan you know about the tape.
Susan told you about the tape?
Thanks, sally!
Susan?!
A vegetarian is someone who does not eat meat,
You insane bitch.
I get enough of that language
During our sessions.
Jack: where are you going? At least talk to me.
Susan.
I love you.
Oh, for god's sake.
Oh, thanks.
( Mouths words )
Baa!!!
Baa!
( In sheep voice ) mama.
Baa!
Aw...
baa.
If you like animals, you'll love lamb.
Jane, stop picking on your date.
Date?
Friend, sorry. Friend.
So, steve...
susan tells us you've been using pornography.
"Using pornography"?
What a strange expression, jane.
Um, i enjoy erotica, if that's what you mean.
But then, doesn't everyone?
I certainly don't "use pornography,"
Whatever that means. That makes me sound like...
some kind of--
Wanker?
If you two need any help with any issues,
I've got a window coming up on a weekly basis.
If you can't stand the meat,
Stay out of the kitchen.
Patrick: not really qualified
To talk to them, though, are you?
Not qualified?
Yeah. Well, you know. The, uh--
Man-Woman thing.
I've got a wall full of qualifications
About the man-Woman thing.
Yeah, academically qualified.
I'll show you the list, if you want.
No, thanks, not really my area.
Oh...
oh, i see.
What?
No, sorry.
I should've realized.
Realized what?
No, i--
I thought you were with sally.
If you're so qualified, jill,
Explain this one--
If a woman thinks something is a turn-On,
Then it's erotica.
If a man does, then it's porn.
I think you have a somewhat blurred vision
Of lesbian spank inferno, steve.
But then, i suppose you would.
It's an erotic film.
It's not even a film.
Why do you assume that?
What makes you think that it hasn't got a...
proper story and everything?
Well, it's kind of hard to tell, isn't it?
Because you kind of tend to fast-Forward
If anyone's dressed.
Thank you, jeff.
Sometimes i forget
And do that with proper films.
I can get through a lot of movies in an evening.
The point is,
Lesbian spank inferno does not count as erotica.
Yes, it does.
Of course it does.
You've got about 15 lesbians.
It's porn.
Well, i don't call it porn.
You called it porn in the pub.
Get a new haircut, patrick.
Will you stop going on about my haircut?
What's wrong with it? I think it's lovely.
Thank you. And it really suits you.
You're the only person who does like it.
Oh, i bet you know lots of people who like it.
Okay, okay--
What makes an erotic film any different from porn?
A plot you can't summarize in diagrams.
Yeah--For instance?
What film is erotic?
Well, i found the piano very erotic.
Oh, come on. Thepiano?
All men hate that film.
Well, i liked it.
Holly hunter was naked for most of it.
She was nude in one scene.
Depends how you watch it.
No, now, the thing is you just assume,
Without even watching it,
That lesbian spank inferno isn't a proper, grown-Up film,
Albeit... with some adult content.
No, i'll tell you what the thing is--
You assume i didn't watch it.
I love you.
Prove it.
How?
Tell everyone here,
In a reasonable amount of detail,
The story of lesbian spank inferno.
Come on, tell us the moving tale
Of the 15 spanking lesbians.
You know, i have never understood
The male obsession with lesbianism.
A whole area of sex with nothing for them to do.
Just answered my own question,
Haven't i?
I think they like to imagine
They can get in there and convert them.
Exactly.
I'm surprised someone like you
Would think that gay people could be
So easily diverted from their sexuality.
Conversion can happen, course it can.
You think so?
Sure, it's just a matter of meeting the right person.
Well, that's a rather unusual view.
In fact--
It's just a matter of...
sitting next to the right person at dinner.
Well, that's very flattering.
You agree with me, then?
Well, i don't know if i agree with you, exactly,
But, um...but i think you're very kind.
Really?
Anyway, i think steve was gonna tell us all a story.
Unless, of course, he's too embarrassed.
Steve: okay, um...
lesbian spank inferno...
opens with five lesbian filmmakers.
Um, a collective, you might say,
Who are having a competition
To see who can make the best lesbian film.
Filmmakers?
Yup. Independent filmmakers.
Meaning?
Meaning they're not the kind of girls
Who want to deal with the studio bosses,
The focus groups,
All that industry schmoozing.
Meaning they've got cameras in their bedrooms.
So neatly avoiding the whole studio system.
Very clever.
Yes. So, during the opening act of the film,
They're meeting up to see each other's films
And see who did the best one.
And i'm guessing we see all the films.
Exactly.
We see each film...
within a film, as the...
tension mounts.
Do those films have plots, too?
W-W-Well, no.
They're more sort of...
mood pieces.
Expressionistic?
Very much so. At the top of their voices.
Yes. Thank you, jeff. You can stop helping me now.
So, basically, um...
they watch the films, they pick a winner.
That's the movie. There you go.
And what does the winner get?
Isn't she presented with a trophy, or something?
Well, yeah, yeah. Um...
she gets a sort of trophy, yes.
Trophy?
Oh, that.
What kind of trophy?
Three speeds.
Yes, you can stop helping me now, jeff.
What about the spanking?
Not a lot of spanking there, you know?
Thank you for bringing that up, patrick.
God knows it might have slipped by unnoticed.
No problem.
So, the spanking then?
Well, um...
as a spur to, uh, future excellence
Amongst the lesbian film collective,
They decide that the loser,
The one who made the worst film...
better have a bit of a spanking.
She must be a bit pissed off.
Oddly enough, she suggests it.
She suggests it?
She's very dedicated.
Oh, it's not much of an inferno, though, is it?
One person?
It goes on a bit.
Why is that, exactly?
Very strict collective, is it?
Well, she keeps saying...
"Ooh. Don't stop."
Why?
I think she feels quite badly about her film.
Still not much of an inferno, steve.
Well, then the winner says, um...
"ooh, i want a spanking, too."
Why?
Two people. Still not much of an inferno.
Well, then they all decide
That they want a bit of a spanking.
Yeah, but why?
Sisterhood?
Oh, god.
How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?
Oh, because it's got naked women in it!!!
Look, i like naked women.
I'm a bloke.
I'm supposed to like them. We're born like that.
We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one.
Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view.
Look, it is the four pillars
Of the male heterosexual psyche.
We like naked women, stockings, lesbians,
And sean connery best as james bond,
Because that is what being a boy is,
And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective.
I want to spend the rest of my life
With the woman at the end of the table,
But that does not stop me wanting to see
Several thousand more naked bottoms before i die.
Because that's what being a bloke is.
When man invented fire he didn't say, "let's cook!"
He said, "great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark."
As soon as caxton invented the printing press,
We were using it to make pictures of--
Hey--Naked bottoms!
We've turned the internet into an enormous
International database of naked bottoms.
So, you see, the story of male achievement
Through the ages,
Feeble though it may have been,
Has been the story of our struggle
To get a better look at your bottoms.
Frankly, girls, i'm not sure how insulted
You really ought to be.
Go, you're the man!
The rest of your life?
What?
You want to spend the rest of your life with me?
Yeah.
Is wednesday good for you?
* if you can't make your mind up *
* we'll never get started *
* and i don't wanna wind up *
* being parted *
* brokenhearted *
* so if you really love me *
* say yes *
* and please don't tell me *
* perhaps *
* perhaps, perhaps *
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