*
* you won't admit you love me *
* and so *
* how am i ever *
* to know *
* you always tell me *
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *
* perhaps *
Hi, it's steve.
Oh, hi, steve.
So what was the pause for?
I don't know. I panicked.
What did you do after the pause?
Well, the pause got out of control.
You kept pausing?!
It got away from me.
At first, it was just a normal pause,
A collect-Your-Thoughts pause.
That's perfectly acceptable.
But then... then i thought about the pause.
And now the pause is too long to ignore!
Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in the conversation.
Exactly! Only not saying much.
Right.
Like patrick.
Now i'm a rabbit in headlights!
This pause is just expanding
And expanding
Like this out-Of-Control thing!
Yeah, like in the blob!
Yes, like in-- What?
The blob, 50s horror movie.
This blob comes from outer space
And just keeps growing and growing.
Right, thanks.
It eats people!
And in the end they kill it by electrocution.
But that bit doesn't really apply here.
Anyway, i've got the phone in my hand
And i'm saying nothing.
Right. No, nothing!
Nothing is coming into my head!
I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment
The entire english language.
I hate it when that happens!
I can feel my hair sweating!
Oh, god, yeah.
And there's always this puppy trapped in a car
That you've got to rescue!
What?
Oh, sorry. I'm back on the blob there.
There's always this puppy trapped in a car
In those movies.
Okay. Sorry. So, um...
the blob from space is the pause...
yeah.
What exactly is the puppy?
Love.
What?
Obviously, the puppy represents love.
You've got to rescue the puppy of love
From the car... of conversation.
That's right, isn't it, jeff?
Steve?
Hi, it's steve.
You said.
Right--Right, of course.
Um...
um...
there seems to be a fault on this line.
Brilliant!
Pretty good.
A fault?
You--You couldn't hear me talking then, could you?
I could hear you breathing.
Uh, that wasn't me.
It wasn't you?
No, no. Um...
maybe--Maybe there's someone behind you.
I'm alone.
Look--
I was just wondering,
Would you like to meet up sometime?
Or alternatively, i could never phone you again
And emigrate.
How 'bout tomorrow night?
Great.
I suggest new zealand.
Kidding.
Right.
Why don't you come 'round to my place.
I'll cook.
You said what?
I'll cook.
It just came out of my mouth.
You know what "i'll cooksays?"
It says,"let's have sex."
No. That would be "come and spend the night with me."
"Come and spend the night with me" says"let's have sex."
"I'll cook"says"let's have sex andi'll cater."
Sally...
susan, you are offering this man
Food and sex in the same place.
If there's something to read in the loo, he may never leave.
Men don't expect sex just 'cause you offer to cook.
Okay...
have you thought through your foreplay yet?
They know about that?
What do you mean, foreplay?!
What do you think i mean?
I mean where exactly do you take your socks off?
My advice is to get them off right afteryour shoes
And beforeyour trousers.
That's the sock gap.
Miss it, and suddenly you're a naked man in socks.
No self-Respecting woman
Will ever let a naked man in socks
Do the squelchy with her.
That's your foreplay tip?
Socks?
Many men have fallen through the sock gap, patrick.
Under the sexual arena of earthly delight,
There lurks a deadly pit of socks.
Okay...
foreplay tip number two...
whoever you normally fantasize about during sex,
Start calling them "susan."
With you--With you it's always, uh...
mariella frostrup, right?
Well, call her "susan frostrup."
That way, when you're in bed with susan,
You won't shout the wrong name when you got your eyes shut.
Or you could call her "god."
Yeah, that'd work.
( Gasps )
So is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else?
Jeff: well, you know,
Everybody does.
That's why there are so many celebrity marriages.
I'm sorry?
Well, if you fantasize about someone else during sex,
And so does your partner,
And those two people that you're fantasizing about
Happen to meet while you're still doing it,
They're bound to sense something, aren't they?
Because they're connecting on like avirtual plane.
So can you imagine what it was like when
Posh first met beckham?
They were the epicenter of a nonstop,
Nationwide virtual shag!
I mean it's no wonder she got pregnant.
When the van comes for you, jeff, go quietly.
Okay.
So i just popped in for a drink with sal
Before i get home and start cooking.
I wasn't expecting to see you.
Could i have a word, please?
Sure.
You guys okay for drinks?
Yeah, sure.
Can i just clarify
When i say dinner, i mean dinner.
I know that.
Absolutely.
Plain ordinary cooking.
Well, i wasn't expecting a fish course.
So you can stop worrying about your socks.
I think they just melted.
A motor show.
Yeah. I thought we could go together.
You like cars, right?
Everybody likes cars.
Would this be a date?
I'm sorry?
I'd love to go, patrick,
But strictly as your friend.
What do you mean friend exactly?
I wouldn't be your date.
I'd be your friend.
No, sorry, still not with you.
Okay. Let's take it slowly.
What do you call people you go out with
But you don't try to sleep with?
Men.
Now, since i'm only a friend date,
Do you want to take this ticket back and get an upgrade?
Hey, no. We can go as the friends thing.
I'm never going to sleep with you, patrick--
Ever, ever,
Ever.
Okay, thanks. See you 'round.
That looked like a dumpingconversation.
How'd it go? She took it okay.
Would you consider a naked man in socks?
I would consider anything except animals and tories.
Maybe angus deayton. What?
I think angus could pull off naked in socks.
Susan, you've got to get past this angus thing.
I'm trying!
So how's the patrick thing going?
It isn't.
I told you he wasn't your type.
I'm surprised he was ever yours.
What did you see in him. He's so dull!
I need personality.
Verve, humor.
At least now i know why you called him "donkey brain."
Actually, i called him "donkey."
Yeah, but i got the point.
No, you didn't.
What?
You mean...you mean.
Some men are born lucky.
Some men are born very lucky.
What was patrick born?
A tripod.
You let me dump a tripod!
You bitch!
Oh, come on. You'd have dumped him anyway.
There are different levels of dumping, susan.
There's dumping, plain and simple,
And there's dumping afterwards!
Excuse me, girls.
Seem to have a bit of a balance problem.
Okay.
Foreplay tip number three!
Please, jeff, no more.
What, you don't think you need help here?
Susan is no ordinary woman.
I don't think i need the advice of a man who had a panic attack
At the prospect of sex with her.
Listen, do yourself a favor.
When you get to her flat,
Check out her remote controls.
Her what?
Her remote controls--You know, for her telly, her video,
Her sound system.
Check 'em out.
Why?
Are you talking about susan's remotes?
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Amazing, isn't it?
Scary! Scared me, too!
I didn't realize a woman could be that shameless!
So...a motor show, you say.
I thought you didn't want to... go.
I didn't realize it was such a big one.
She'll be with you in a moment.
What happen to personality, verve and humor?
Sod them!
After all the men i've been out with,
I deserve a full-Size one.
Okay. But i'm not gonna stand here
And watch you humiliate yourself.
Oh, and just one thing... what?
Patrick is a tory.
What?
Well, here we all are.
I thought i'd find you all here.
How's my favorite little ex, hmm?
Fine.
It such a good idea staying friends with ex's.
Take it from someone who knows.
Friendship's more lasting than love,
And more legal than stalking.
Oh! Everybody...
i want you to meet howard.
Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Does anyone know if that big ginger bloke
Is still working behind the bar here?
Sometimes.
Excellent.
He's an ex of mine.
I think i still owe him a slap.
I'll get the drinks.
Oh...isn't he just perfect?
He's gorgeous!
Tonight he's mine.
Jane, isn't he gay?
Fascist!
No! I'm just saying he goes out with men.
Not women, men.
Da-Da! I'm bisexual!
Howard!
I don't want you to get unduly excited, but i'm off to cook.
Great.
You can come and watch.
In that order.
Great.
( Whispering ) susan, susan.
How tory?
Okay. How big?
Susan: i think we're almost ready.
Don't you just love oven timers?
I don't think i've got an oven.
There's a square thing in the kitchen,
I always used to put books in it
Till there was a slight fire incident.
Susan on video: oh, yes! Yes!!!
Mm! I'm such a great cook!
Oh, i see. Right.
You okay?
Yeah. Just, um...
oh, of course-- A man, a television.
Better leave you two alone.
Is there anything i can do?
Just relax.
Shouldn't have got you here so early.
But if sally's going to humiliate herself,
I'd rather she had as small an audience as possible.
My fault, really.
I told her something about patrick i shouldn't.
Probably the batteries have run out.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll just, um...
they've also climbed out.
Oh...i'll have put them in something else.
I'm always running out of batteries.
No...these are empty, too.
Oh, hang on! I think i know where they ended up.
( Loud humming noise )
There you are.
Thanks.
What am i thinking?
I've just bought some new ones!
Da-Da!
Do you find your batteries run out really quickly?
Well, i've never had any complaints!
Sorry?
Nothing.
Um, what was it that you told sally about patrick
That you shouldn't have?
Oh, just that my ex is a very big boy, indeed.
Oh...
why don't you watch the telly.
I'm going to jump in the shower.
The thing about blair, right?
The thing about blair...
is this country ready for a president?
Yeah, i know what you mean.
He worries me, that man.
The tories have got to find a way
To save the country from him!
Yes...i see your point.
Whoa. You said that all tories
Should be drowned in their own vomit.
That doesn't mean i can't see their point of view.
You know what we need now?
We need maggie back.
Oh, dear god! What's wrong with good ol' maggie?
You can't be against her, can you?
Patrick, it had better be enormous!
What?
The motor show.
It better be a really big motor show.
What are you suddenly bringing up the motor show for?
Because i have never been
To a motor show with a tory!
So it had better be a really big, enormous
Throbbing motor show!
That's all i'm saying.
( Chuckling )
You know, you're a lot more fun when you're relaxed.
Not as funny, but a lot more fun.
Thank you.
What is it about men?
I mean, you're supposed to be the confident ones.
You're supposed to be chasing us.
It takes some of the excitement away
If we keep having to shout, "hurry up!"
Hang on.
First dates are more stressful for men.
For us, it's the unknown.
For us, too.
No...you know one more thing than we do.
What?
Well, you know...
i don't.
Uh...okay.
Um...you're on a date, right?
Any date...
i'm not saying this date in particular.
Um, the guy is wondering if he's gonna get lucky.
All night that's all he's thinking.
True.
And the woman...
she already knows.
Also true.
Ah, so you see...
we're dealing with the unknown.
I always thought it was because
You were worried about your equipment.
My--My what?
Oh, you know...
if he's going to fire off too soon or something.
You are...
you really are up front, aren't you?
I mean i, personally, never had any worries
About premature... firing.
Just about the unknown.
Exactly.
Steve? Yeah?
You're definitely getting lucky tonight.
Just to take the pressure off.
( Stumbling ) well...that's great.
Th-That's fantastic.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
See, now, i...
can...
relax.
Great.
Aren't you gonna swallow?
Oh, yeah, i'm gettin' there.
Maggie thatcher, in my opinion--
Now, listen to this, patrick,
This is the voice of an oppressed minority.
Maggie thatcher is the best prime minister
This country has ever had!
How dare you say that!
You're gay! You're on our side!
Actually, sally, howard doesn't think of himself as gay.
Yes, i do.
There are no homosexuals,
There are just people sexuals.
No, jane. There are definitely homosexuals.
Howard!
Do you want gay men to be labeled?
Yes. That would be fantastic.
Must be a lot easier being gay.
I mean sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.
Why is that?
Well, 'cause, if you're gay, right?
If you're gay, masturbation is practice.
You know...
you can have a good ol' practice on your own,
And, you know, when you're ready,
When you've got the hang of it,
You have a go on someone else's.
It's a piece of piss.
That's a very good point, actually.
No, it's not. It's homophobic, you stupid queen!
It is not in the least bit homophobic.
Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia!
There's just people phobia.
See, it's different.
It's different when you're a straight bloke.
When we finally get our hands on the gear,
Let me tell you, it's not a drill.
Gays have got their own practice kit,
But you don't get any practice women.
We're supposed to fly those babies
The first time we get in them.
( Laughing )
Sally: that's not funny!
"Get in them" is not funny!
Oh, don't be so p.C.!
Typical lefty puritan.
Typical what?
Come the revolution.
What revolution? You guys are in power.
We're the revolution now.
No. No, that can't be right.
You're the evil empire. No!
Yes. Like star wars,
And patrick and me are the rebel alliance.
( Singing star wars theme )
No! You're not the goodies. We're the goodies!
We're lefties! We're always goodies!
( Darth vader's voice ) no, sally, you are the establishment!
Don't say that, you bastard!
You can't call me bastard anymore. That's oppressive.
Oh, you're oppressing me!
Are you going to the loo?
Yeah. Wait and go with patrick.
There's something i need to know. What?
Just wait and go with patrick!
So what about jane?
Jane?
You're ex. I mean, she's very beautiful.
Hope i can measure up.
I hope i can measure up to your ex.
Patrick. Oh, he's sweet.
It's always kind of difficult
Meeting your predecessors, isn't it?
Yeah. I, uh,
I used to go out with this girl years ago...
her ex was like this big, muscle-Bound god.
I was really intimidated till she told me that
Every time they were in bed together,
And he was on his way in, so to speak,
He used to go
Geronimo!
After she told me that, it wasn't really a problem.
Yeah. I remember patrick doing something like that.
Really? What?
Well, every time he was making an entrance,
As it were,
He say, "just say when."
Anyway...
that's enough chat.
About ex's.
About anything.
Jane, i hope you don't mind.
There's something i need to get straight.
Not at all. This is much more romantic.
Yeah. Um...
you see, i'm beginning to think
There's been a bit of a misunderstanding here.
This is not a date.
Oh...god!
Oh! There has been a misunderstanding, howard!
This is a date!
Jane, i'm gay!
No problem. So am i.
No, you're not.
Well, i'm a little bit gay.
And if you were, that would be two problems.
Homophobe.
No, homosexual.
Oh, howard, i know you're a homosexual.
It doesn't mean you don't go out with women
Just like any other man.
Look. Look over there. Two straight men--
They go out with women.
You don't expect them to go out with each other, do you?
Yes, of course, i do, if it's convenient.
No! No, you don't!
I expect they're always nipping off together for a cuddle.
It's just you that's narrow-Minded.
Jane, i am gay!
And i've always, always been gay.
I was the sperm at the back, shouting,
"No, don't send me into that big, scary cave!"
I was the only sperm that had to be chased by the egg.
Don't you get it? I'm gay!
Well, you certainly seem to be under that impression.
You like portillo?
I nearly cried when he lost his seat.
That's illegal!
Hang on.
Don't go yet!
You've got to go with patrick!
You're weird!
You're weird, you are!
Man: jeff murdoch! Is there a jeff murdoch here?
Yeah.
Phone call for you.
Now, listen-- Keep away from me!
Hello?
Jeff, it's steve.
Steve! Ha ha!
How's it going?
Great. She's in the bathroom doing whatever they do.
Things are getting seriously weird here.
Let me tell you...
that sally is a really weird person.
Whatever. Look, i need you to do something for me. What?
When patrick goes to the loo, can you go with him?
Jeff?
Can i sit here?
Sure, no problem.
It would be nice to have someone open-Minded
At the table...
someone flexible.
It's really weird tonight!
People are behaving a little oddly, i must say.
I'm glad someone else has noticed.
Oh, look, jeff...
patrick's gone to the loo.
Why don't you go with him?
Have a bit of a cuddle.
I need you!
Um...
i was just... mm-Hmm.
But can it mow the lawn?
I think the next model up
Comes with a strimmer attachment.
Do you really?
What?
I've got this feeling you're getting unrelaxed again.
No, no!
Don't worry. I know just the thing.
Now...
let's get squelchy.
( Romeo & juliet love theme plays )
Mariella!
Angus!
You look... you look...
so do you...
oh...
i-I'm terribly sorry.
Are you all right?
It's okay. It's fine.
I'm so, so, so sorry.
Don't worry. It happens to a lot of guys.
Why did i say that?
* if you can't make your mind up *
* we'll never get started *
* and i don't want to wind up *
* being parted *
* broken-Hearted *
* so if you really love me *
* say yes *
* and please don't tell me *
* perhap, perhaps, perhaps *